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TITLE: Best of Bible Sports: Jonah (part I)
By Jacob Gibson
03/26/08
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Who knows where or how I got this weird idea, but I kind of like it! Let me know what you think. (Itís a bit long but I try to keep it entertaining)
Michael: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to... the

VII=<>*<>*<>={( National Faithful League! )}=<>*<>*<>=VII

*royal trumpets play theme which sounds similar to NFL theme*
*clips of famous Bible events scroll by*

Gabriel: Shalom, we are your angel sportscasters, Michael and Gabriel, here to show you whatís going on in Godís amazing world. He sure is something, huh?

Mike: Yes, Heís everything! The King sure knows how to turn ordinary things into extraordinary events! Thereís never a boring or unholy moment with Him.

Gabe: Amen to that. So whatís going on today? Any huge battles? Miracles? People getting thrown into pits or furnaces?

Mike: Well, since weíre reaching the end of the Old Testament, according to the all-knowing King, today we have quite an interesting event, and one that we have never seen before. I think our audience will truly enjoy this.

Gabe: Sounds glorious! Whoís playing?

Mike: Uh... looks like just one today. Itís a man named Jonah. Heís a prophet, the son of Amittai, and a long-time player on Godís winning team. He sure can preach it!

Gabe: Thatís it? Doesnít sound very interesting to me. Are you sure that the Lord didnít make a mistake?

Mike: You would doubt the one whoís never wrong? Do you want to get fired, Gabe?

Gabe: No! No! I was joking! Just saying what some people may have been thinking.

Mike: Uh-huh, yeah. But letís find out the situation before we assume anything. Oh... I just got word that the Lord himself is speaking to Jonah! I think that means he has a new assignment for him today.

Gabe: Oh boy. I wonder where Heíll send him this time?

The Lord: Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it; for their wickedness has come up before Me.

Gabe: Unbelievable! God is giving Jonah a great position to warn this terrible city about Godís judgment so they can be spared! Most prophets we've seen have been assigned to Israel with sad and unfortunate results, but he has a special assignment. This should be good!

Mike: Yeah, Gabe. It depends on the prophet though. The King of kings can only fully use people who surrender their lives to Him and trust Him for protection. So far most of them have done that pretty well, and I bet my wings that Jonah wonít be the interception. I mean... exception.

Gabe: You never know. I wouldnít bet anything, seeing how we can trust God for everything we need... and because youíve been wrong before. But letís go to Jonah and see how he responds to this.

Mike: Okay. Jonah is sitting in his tent twiddling his fingers... now heís getting up and... pacing around. Why is he doing that? Do you think that heís afraid?

Gabe: Hard to tell, Mike. Could be fear, could be pride, could be planning. Sometimes I wish that we could know what people are thinking just like our King. Oh wait... now heís getting up and packing his things. Now heís leaving the tent... heís stretching... now heís bending down in a running position. What could this be?

Mike: Hmmmm. My sources tell me... this is unbelievable! Jonah has made up his mind and he ISNíT going to go to Ninevah!! Oh no, my wings! Phew... still there.

Gabe: Seriousely?! This canít be good!

Mike: Yes, itís definitely not good, Gabe. Disobedience to Godís plays will only end up in a brutal penalty! Jonah isnít going to Ninevah but heís going to Tarshish; the very opposite direction!

Gabe: Ah! I donít know if I want to watch this.

Mike: It gets worse. Heís not only not going where he shouldnít but heís also going to try to run away from God!

Gabe: Great blue leviathans! No!

Jonah: *stretches his arms and legs, bends down in running position*

Mike: Yep, now I see what the event is today. Itís the exhausting, impossible, eternal sprint AWAY from God.

Gabe: Run from God? Isnít that impossible?

Mike: Yes, I just said that, and I wonder if he knows. Jonah is going to be running for an eternity. Wait, heís almost ready. And... *gong sounds* THERE HE GOES!!

Jonah: *takes off like a rocket... or something fast that existed in that time*

Gabe: Heavens to Betsy and Betsy in Heaven!! That guy can run! Look at him. Dust flying everywhere! People all around town are jumping out of the way! His Nike sandals are starting on fire! And I think I just saw a cheetah fall behind him! Bless my halo!

Mike: Do you take it back, Gabe? This is like nothing Iíve ever seen! It almost makes you wish that there was an actual audience to see this! Like the events in Greece.

Gabe: Yeah, Mike. You gotta admire his effort. I mean, sure, itís disobedience (which is worth zero points) but... you gotta admire his effort. And donít forget the other fast runners that weíve seen before. Remember the father of the prodigal son? When he saw his olí boy walking down the road with his head a-droopiní, his pa flew straight at him like an arrow from a bow! It was beautiful!

Mike: Huh?!

Gabe: And there was that guy in the garden of Gethsemane when Jesus was getting arrestedówearing nothing but a loin cloth! As you remember a solider tried to get him and when he grabbed it, the man took off and had it stripped away. He got back to his house in an unbelievable record time.

Mike: Excuse me, but what are you talking about? Is this something that happens in the future? Have you been reading ahead in the Golden Scorebook?!

Gabe: Er... uh... no, a minor prophet told me! Uh... Iíd like to know who wears a loin cloth at night in a garden?

Mike: Donít know, Gabe. It may go into fashion some day.

Gabe: Anyway... the story that we BOTH know. Remember when the prophet Elijah knew that the drought would soon end and it would pour like cats and dogs?

Mike: Oh yeah!

Gabe: With the Lordís power he was able to outrun a CHARIOT for goodness sake! And for those of you at home who donít believe me, you can read about it in I Kings 18.

Mike: Letís get back to the action now. Jonah is still running like mad and he still hasnít managed to get away from the Lord. And as you can see on the map *pulls out a huge map of the region* Jonah is here *draws a circle around a dot with a white marker* heís going in this direction *draws an arrow* and God is right... *draws a circle that surrounds the land* here! Well, actually this map doesnít really do justice. *pulls out a map of the world and begins to draw* Wait... uh... *pulls out a map of the universe that unfolds forever* Forget it! You know what Iím talking about!

Gabe: Look! Thereís a boat leaving port at Joppa! Heís running towards it but heíll never make it. Itís too far!

Mike: Oh no, will he make this, folks? Heís throwing money to someone... running to the edge... jumping off the edge... going over the water towards the boat... flying through the air... still going... and skidding across the long jump sand pit on the boat! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?! WOOOOOW!!! *pounds desk repeatedly*

Gabe: Great whale eggs! He made it!! This is exciting and frightening at the same time! I wonder if God has a new play for this setback?

Mike: He always does, Gabe. Heís always in control. I must confess that Iím a little worried whatís going to happen next, but whatever happens, we know that God will make it for good. Will Jonah neglect his duty and be punished, or return to it? Will Ninevah hear the message and be spared or destroyed? Stay tuned after this commercial break! *music plays again*

---
What happens next? If you want to hear the regular story, read the book of Jonah in the Bible. If you want to hear the rest of my version, just check out parts 2 and 3! Blue leviathan is also my username on the FW message boards. :)
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