TITLE: Fraud By Lesley-Anne Evans 07/03/07 |
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Fraud
Some days I feel like a fraud
that if you could see the inside of me
the thoughts that i’m capable of having
that you would be shocked
i’ve always had tendancies to be negative
but this is different
what i’m talking about is intentionally looking
one way on the outside
while on the inside i sit and wring my hands with glee
when i obtain the reaction, the gratification
that i wanted, but pretended, I wasn’t interested in
with a humble hanging of my head
a dropping of the eyes
a muttered word of unworthy to receive, but please continue
to praise me
the depravity of what i am
the depth of it
ingrained in me
hypocrite
faker
fraud
cheap immitation
my words affirm my outer facade of pure intentions
my thoughts convict me of my sin
Jesus spoke of thoughts with strong words
he said if you even think about doing these things
you are guilty of doing them
so i’ve thought them
i continue to think them
i pray for forgiveness
knowing i’ll probably think it again
believing i won’t at that particular moment
yet a few minutes later, falling into that trap
Take every thought captive
to the obediance of Christ
yes, take those ugly, twisted, sinful things
bind them up in Jesus name
and cast them out
replace them with truth
the truth will set me free
i shall be free indeed
thats that solution
thats the action plan
that’s what needs to be done
i don’t always do it though
i act like a braindead
lost sinful soul
that doesn’t know any better
i bathe in it
i soak in it
i launguish away the minutes of
considerations
processing the possibilities for reaction
the choices that are mine
to make
you see none of this in me
you see with rose coloured glasses
you speak kindness and grace to me
you think the best of me
you give me chances
you forgive
you forget
you wipe the slate clean
you see me through the blood
of the Lamb
slain for my transgressions
my actions
and my thoughts
before the foundation of the world
so i can stand blameless
before the throne of grace
because my face
and my heart are one to you
the inside as visible as the outside
hypocracy impossible
fakery, fraudulence
irrelevant
exposed
stripped
washed
cleansed
redeemed
if only i could see myself through your eyes
i look for signs of positive change
i weigh up the good with the bad in me
i come away wanting
i come away feeling less than enough
if only for today, if i take these thoughts to you
would you set me free
would i feel free of self hatred
self doubt
self analysis?
i drag myself to the foot of the cross...
please Jesus, help me?
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