TITLE: The Random Machine, or Proof that I am Totally Crazy
By Jacob Gibson
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One peaceful day, on November 23, 2009, all was at peace. Okay, that's a lie and we all know it. The world will never be at peace until Jesus returnts. But that's how some people begin their stories so that's how I'm going to do it to. Anyways, all was fairly peaceful until...
Dr. Random: Nee hee hee hee! I've finally completed my perfect invention. The random machine!! And I have begun the story in a the usual stereotypical mad-scientist-in-a-cartoon scenario! Using the thoughts and power of Jacob Gibson's wacky brain, I will randomize the world and up to three-sevenths of the universe! All will bow before me after I turn this on! Now where is the ON button? Oh great. How did I forget where I put that? Where are the instructions for this? For the love of Bob I invented this and can't even remember how to turn it on! Horse radishes!
*bangs on it several times and machine starts up*
Dr. Random: Ah! That's right! That's how you do it! Prepare yourselves, people for the most randomness you've ever experienced. Har har har har! No wait, was it that or bleh heh heh heh bleck? I don't remember. My memory is teh awful! Oh wait... it was nee hee hee hee hee!
Three minutes Later...
Some guy: What was that?
Some girl: I think it was a random boom.
Some guy: Is that a bad thing?
????: Hey you. Do you suffer from the onslaught of random booms? Are they constantly attacking you when you least expect it and least desire it? Well I'm Bobby the boom exterminator and I specialize in exterminating those pesky booms. With this handy device--
*gets tackled by a professional football player before he can finish his sentence*
Dr. Random: Wah ha ha ha! It's working gloriously! What else can I do?
Ten seconds later...
The actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies: *walking down the street whisteling* Oh no. What's that sound I hear? *looks back*
*a huge mob of crazy girls chase after him screaming*
The actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies: Ah! A huge mob of crazy girls chasing after me! *runs like a vampire to get away*
*girls put on rocket skates to catch up with him*
The actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies: Nooooooooo!
Cosmo the fairy: I like this story. Finally something I can understand! Hee hee hee hee!
The actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies: Cosmo! Help me! I wish I could get away from these girls!
Cosmo: Sorry, actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies, but I only grant wishes to Timmy. And unless you grew taller, more hair, and more attractive to women, I don't think you're him. Wait. You're not, Timmy, are you? If you're Timmy you better tell me right now!!
Timmy: *rolls eyes* Uh... no he's not. Hey, if I help you do you promise to let me be in the third movie?
The actor who plays Edward in the Twilight movies: Uh, sure! No problem!
Timmy: Alright, I wish that there was something to divert the attention of these obsessive girls.
The actor who plays Jacob in New Moon: Hey, how did I get here? Gah! Not again! *runs away in the opposite direction and half of the mob splits off and chases after him*
Timmy: Okay, maybe there was something better I could have done.
Wanda the fairy: *flies after Jacob* Wait for me, Jacob! You have to give me your autograph!
Cosmo: Heeeeeeeeeeey! She never asks for MY autograph! >_<
Ten minutes and thirty-two seconds later...
The president: Okay, team, this doesn't look good. This Dr. Random guy is randomizing America and it's spreading rapidly. Random lights are flickering on and off, random clowns and mimes are running through the streets on foot and unicycle, giant bowling balls are randomly rolling around, thousands of random people in animal costumes are dancing everywhere nonstop, random toilets are exploding randomly, and someone is performing "The Storyteller's Book of Randomness." Here's what we're going to do. If we spend 2 billion dollars on military, and research and development to make a strong enough weapon I know we can defeat him. Spending lots of taxpayer money is always the answer in a time of crisis.
Former president: Excuse me, sir, but I don't think you need to spend that much. 1 billion should be enough.
The president: Who let you in here? And who asked for your opinion? You're not the president any more.
The ghost of Ronald Reagen: I will haunt you all until the day you die!
????: Excuse me but I think I can help out here.
President: Who are you?
????: My name is ???? I mean Modnar. I am Dr. Random's twin brother and I have an idea to stop this random evilness. Here's what I think.
*gets tackled by professional baseball player*
President: The booms are getting worse! We have to hurry!
Commercial break! :)
This totally random story is brought to you by Hy-Vee food stores. A helpful smile in every aisle. (Or a jealous smirk from every clerk)
And by fruit yogurt.
And fat girls rule!! XD
President: Okay, let's hear your plan.
Modnar: It just so happens that I have built a machine almost exactly like my brother's that can access the writer's mind.
President: The who?
Modnar: The one who's writing this story.
President: Uh... yeah. Sure. o_0
Modnar: So, if I can find some people to join me and confront Dr. Random at his lair, I know that my machine can defeat him. It's not as powerful as his but twice as awesome and it's hot pink too! Yaaaaaaaay! =D
Some guy: I'll go with you!
All: Where did you come from?
Some guy: I just happened to be in the neighbourhood and couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Okay, so I just showed up randomly.
Al Gore: How convenient!
Some girl: I'll go too! Some guy and I want to help save the world so maybe the writer will give us real names!
Jacob: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... wha? Sorry I dozed off. Yeah, sure. I'll give you real names if you succeed.
The president: Now there's blams attacking us! Hurry and defeat him before we run out of time!
Modnar: You're not sending any help with us?
President: Let's not ruin the story.
Bobby: I'll do my best to stop him too! Just leave it to me and-- *gets tackled by a hockey player*
Some dude: Yaaaaaah! The house is falling apart around us! We have to get out before we're buried alive!!
Some dudette: Wait... I think it stopped crumbling. We should be okay just as long as the walls hold up.
Kool-aid man: *bursts through a wall* Ohhhhh yeaaaah!
*house begins to fall apart*
Kool-aid man: Oh crud.
Four hours, five minutes, and six seconds later...
Some guy: We made it to Dr. Random's lair! That flying submarine really goes fast.
Modnar: Time to give this baby a whirl! Here we go! *turns on his machine and a portal appears that spits out four characters*
Jim, Mike, Dustin, and Ross: We are the Insane Quartet! Ehhhhhhhhhhhh! Who are you? How did we get here? That was kind of random.
*another character emerges*
Yoshi Zorus the dinosaur: ROAR! I am Yoshi Zorus the Yoshisaurus, the giant Yoshi in the story Legend of the Yoshisaurus!
*yet another one comes out*
Michael the anthropomorphic Fox: Why am I here? My story isn't finished yet.
Yoshi: Well, neither is mine but at least you have a chance of getting an ending. *cries*
Michael: Dream on. My story probably won't get finished either.
Dusin: Aren't you copyright of Nintendo, Yoshi?
Yoshi: Uh, yes. But no one's getting paid for this so it doesn't matter.
Ross: Hey, who's that guy?
????: I am a character from Jacob's biggest story idea and that's all I can say. He can't start it until he finds someone who can help him write it so until that time I can't tell you my name.
Jim: What's it about?
????: An unusual sci-fi series involving (censored for fear of idea theft). It could be up to seven books long.
Mike: Interesting. But it sounds like more shameless advertising.
Jacob: Yeah, that's what I said at the beginning.
Some girl: Aaaaaaah! Who said that?!
Gabby Jensen: Well I'm not making a cameo appearance in this work of unartistic nonsense.
Reiko: I think you just did.
Modnar: Okay, I think we're ready. Let's go!
Some dude: Hey, store clerk, do you have any skunk-scented candles?
Store clerk: What? Uh... I don't know. Let me ask the manager...
Manager: What did you say you wanted?
Some dude: Skunk-scented candles. And diaper-scented too if you have any.
Manager: Are you stupid, boy?
Some dude: Stupid does as stupid is, ma'am.
Manager: I guess I can't argue that.
Mr. Debator: Oh yes you can!
*basketball player attempts to tackle him*
*basketball player gets tackled by golfer*
Back at the lair...
Dr. Random: If it isn't my incompetent brother, Modnar. I see you have some new allies. It doesn't change anything. You can't defeat me.
Modnar: What do you think you're doing, brother? Why do you hate the world so?
Dr. Random: I hate it because it forced me to watch stupid movies like Battlefield Earth and Plan 9 From Outer Space!
Modnar: What?! Forced you?
Dr. Random: Okay, so I just wanted an excuse to justify my actions. Anyway it's time to battle! Let's see how you face against my sidekick... FAILMAN! Nee hee hee hee!
FAILMAN!: Speedy delivery, punks! *shoots lots of fail at everyone* >=D
Everyone: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! We need more help!
Captain Awesome, Captain Pwn, Captain Roxxorz, Captain FTW, and Captain Allyourbase merge together to form... Leetman!!
Leetman!: Look out, evildoer! Hey, I have my own background music! How 1337!! Now you will pay, FAILMAN!. Falcon PAWNCH!!
*Leetman defeats FAILMAN! in record time*
Leetman: Yes! Show me your moves! XP
*gets blasted out of the story by.... let's say a tornado. Yeah.*
Modnar: Leetman! No! He was our greatest hope!
Some guy: I have an idea! *throws an asterisk at Dr. Random
Dr. Random: Ow! Hey, those are pointy! Stop it!
Some girl: How'd you do that? Let me try! *throws another asterisk at him
Jacob: Hey! Stop wasting my asterisks! I'm running out them and they're expensive. ***************
Police officer: You are under arrest for using too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!
Modnar: We need more help! Let's see who else we can bring here. *pushes several random buttons*
*characters flood out of a portal including Super Mario, Sonic, Garfield, Luke Sywalker, Ren and Stimpy, the Looney Tunes, Darkwing Duck, Mega Man, Link, Captain Falcon, Star Fox, Donkey, Diddy, and Dixie Kong, Spongebob, and... oh lets just lots more characters you may not have heard of*
Dr. Random: I am so scared. You think you've won but you're snot. I may be outnumbered but not out-matched. Prepare to face the awful wrath of... my random bomb! Bwahahahaha! I mean nee hee hee hee!
All: No more! Please!
All: Mercy! Mercy!
Some girl: He's too powerful! We can't defeat him! What can we do?
Wanda: Uh... shouldn't we help them, sport?
Timmy: Oops! I forgot that I could do something about this. Short attention span. I wish that Dr. Random was defeated and in jail!
Wanda *opens a large book*: Sorry, Timmy, but Da Rules clearly state that you can't use any magic that will help you end a story too quickly.
Cosmo: Yeah, you have to make an ending that is satisfying, leaves room for a sequel, and also lots of merchandising opportunities. Who wants a T-shirt!
Timmy: *smacks forehead* Of course. Then I wish that Chuck Norris and the toughest football players on the planet were here!
Chuck Norris: Are you ready to get kicked around the house? Get him!
Dr. Random: Stay away from me! Oh NOOOOOOOOOO!! X_X
*gets beat up severely and randomly*
*Keyboard cat plays him off*
Dr. Random: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
All: The world is saved! Hip hip... hoo!
Yoshi: Eh, what was the point of us coming here if we didn't do ANYTHING AT ALL?
Some guy: Advertising of course. Why is my name still some guy?!
Some girl: Yeah! Change our names already!
Jacob: Right. I now dub thee... What's-his-face and What's-her-face!
What's-his-face and What's-her-face: You stink!
Modnar: Hooray! All is well. And I'm 1.7 billion dollars richer! ^____________^
Kool-aid Man: *bursts through a wall* Oh yeah!
*building starts to cave in*
All: We hate kool-aid!
The end. The moral of the story is... *gets tackled by a tennis player*
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