TITLE: Ventriloquist Act 2: Love my neighbor?! (updated on 1-6-15) By Jacob Gibson 10/28/14 |
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I know that there’s a lot of bunny trails that get chased in this act but whatever you feel doesn’t need to be there can be removed for your act. Some jokes from my previous act can be used here too if you haven’t done them yet. All critiques are welcome. Thank you!
You: Hello children! My name is (name) and this is (dummy’s name).
Dummy: Howdy!
You: So, (name) how are you today?
Dummy: Well, I’d like to say I’m fine but that’s not true.
You: Oh? What’s the problem?
Dummy: Do you remember the last show we did?
You: Yeah.
Dummy: Well, after it was over you went to the bathroom and left me on stage in that stuffy bag. Then some kids found the bag and pulled me out. They started to play with me and make me say stupid things like, “Look at me! I’m a dummy! They call me a dummy because I’m so dumb. Dum-dum-dee-dum-dum-dum-dum dummy! It rhymes with tummyyyyyy and yummyyyyyy and gummyyyyyy bear.”
You: That’s all?
Dummy: Is that all, he/she asks? No! It gets much worse! Next they started throwing me around like a football *moves his head and yells as though he’s watching himself get thrown back and forth* I wanted to scream and call for help but somehow no words would come out. I just kept hoping you would show up but you took a really long time in the bathroom!
You: I’m sorry. That was wrong of them. I’ll try to put you in the car right away next time.
Dummy: With the windows down.
You: Sure.
Dummy: And a long book while I’m waiting for you.
You: … Fine.
Dummy: So, I’m sure that answers your question. I’m still quite unhappy about that. I’m going to take those kids to court and sue them all for the trauma and embarrassment they caused me.
You: Well, I know that would be the easy thing to do, but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. Jesus tells us we should love our neighbor.
Dummy: Uh… I’m afraid I can’t do that.
You: Sure you can!
Dummy: No, I really can’t.
You: Come on. Why can’t you?
Dummy: Because!... the girl/boy who lives next door isn’t my type okay!
You: …huh?
Dummy: It’s nothing personal. It’s just that she/he can’t talk right, she’s/he’s always yelling at me, throwing things at me, and she/he never ever stops crying. *imitates toddler crying* She’s/He’s also probably way too young for me.
You: *facepalm* No, I’m sorry. Let me clarify.
Dummy: If you’re just trying to embarrass me by telling everyone I don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet, you’re doing a very good job! *cries and blows nose into your shirt*
You: Ew. No, I’m not talking about that kind of love.
Dummy: You’re not? Oh! Heh. I knew that.
You: Uh-huh.
Dummy: I did.
You: Good. Anyway, I’m talking about a different kind of love: like the way you love your family.
Dummy: Oh! Or my dog?
You: Yep! As long as you love your family more than your dog.
Dummy: But my dog is part of my family.
You: Yes, but… just make sure you love your human family more.
Dummy: Human?
You: You know what I mean. Anyway! Loving your neighbor also doesn’t mean you only care about the person who lives next to you.
Dummy: *gasps in delight* Wait! Can Mr. Rogers be my neighbor!?
You: Mr. Rogers?
Dummy: Yeah! He’d make a great neighbor! We could feed his fish, compare our sneakers, and take the trolley for a joyride around the neighborhood of make believe. Let’s sing the song! *starts to sing the theme song; you try to stop him, but he encourages the kids to sing along with him until he finishes the song, sometimes singing in your face*
You: Very lovely. While you’re right that he would make an excellent neighbor, I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Dummy: His sneakers are better than mine?
You: No, worse. Sadly he passed away.
Dummy: *gasps in shock* No. No! That can’t be possible! He couldn’t still be on TV if he was gone!
You: Those are reruns. They show old episodes that he’s already done.
Dummy: Huh. Well that explains how he keeps getting older and younger so fast. *cries* Noooooo! Mr. Rogers! How could you go? You were so young!
You: He wasn’t that young.
Dummy: Why do you keep making me cry?! Why do you keep talking about such depressing things?!
You: Because you keep derailing the trolley! I mean, the train. Can we please get back on subject?
Dummy: *still crying* Mr. Roooogerrrrrrrs! I never got to meet you! *buries face in your lap*
You: *pat dummy’s head and rolls eyes* *whisper: We’re having pizza for lunch later.*
Dummy: Pizza? Yaaaaaaay!
You: Ok then! So, when Jesus said you should love your neighbor he was actually saying that we should love everyone. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated: with kindness and respect.
Dummy: Oh I see. Wait a minute… No! No, I really can’t do that!
You: What’s wrong now?
Dummy: You mean I have to love… you?!
You: Yes. Wha! What’s wrong with me?
Dummy: *slowly scans faces of audience twice* Oh where to begin! Your breath stinks sometimes.
You: It does not! *smells it*
Dummy: You talk too much.
You: You talk more than I do!
Dummy: You stuff me in a box/bag and only let me out for shows!
You: I… uh…
Dummy: You try to use me to impress girls/guys.
You: That is not true!
Dummy: And you’re always telling me what to do and trying to put words in my mouth. Sometimes it even feels like you’re controlling me!
You: Oh, you think I’m bad? How about the fact that you’re always interrupting me!
Dummy: I clarify for those who don’t understand.
You: You’re always complaining.
Dummy: I speak the truth that no one else will.
You: And you never show me any respect!
Dummy: I show you plenty of respect. Do you know how many bad things I haven’t said to you? Doesn’t that mean anything?
You: No it doesn’t! Because NOT saying bad things isn’t nice! Saying nice things is nice!
Dummy: Aren’t you supposed to be the good example in this act? Tsk tsk.
You: You’re the one who’s bringing out my bad side!
Dummy: Well if you’d just brush your teeth more and let me do what I want to do sometimes…
You: You…! You…! *sighs* You know what… neither of us are being very loving right now.
Dummy: You’re half right about that.
You: Stop. *serious now* Look… Jesus says we have to love everyone, even those who are very hard to love.
Dummy: You mean even when they’re very very very very very very very very…
You: Yes, even them.
Dummy: …very very very very… *looks at you and stops* hard to love?
You: Yes.
Dummy: But how?! I can’t just love *starts to look at you and looks away* people who drive me crazy. What about my brothers and sisters who pick on me? Or the adults who yell at me? Or those kids who throw me around the room?
You: That’s a very good question, (name). It’s very hard for us to love everyone on our own. Sometimes even impossible. But do you know what?
Dummy: Yes.
You: *shakes head* God gives us the ability to love them. God loves us so much that we can’t even understand it. God’s Son Jesus came to Earth and let people treat Him badly, but He never said or did anything mean to them. He even let people put him to death when he did nothing wrong. While he was dying, He even asked God to forgive them and not punish them for their actions. You know why he did all of that?
Dummy: So he could die for our sins and we could go to Heaven.
You: Yes! If he had treated people as they deserved, we couldn’t go to Heaven.
Dummy: Wow.
You: Wow is right. Jesus is our perfect role model. That means we should be like Him. So if we keep doing our best to talk and act like Jesus in every way, and keep asking God to help us be more loving, we’ll eventually be able to love those who we think are un-lovable.
Dummy: Even really bad people?
You: Yes. God loves them too and so we need to love them. We don’t have to trust everyone, but we should love them.
Dummy: That’s… amazing. I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier.
You: It’s okay. I’m sorry too.
Dummy: I love you, man!/girl! *hugs you*
You: *hugs back* I love you, (name)!
Dummy: *looks and points at audience* And I love you all! I would give everyone a hug but I can’t seem to get up at the moment.
*if any kids run up at this time feel free to let the dummy give them a hug*
You: And do you know what? The reason Mr. Rogers was such a good example was that He loved God too.
Dummy: *cries again* Mr. Rogerrrrrrrrs!
You: *pats him/her again* It’s okay. He’s in Heaven now. Riding a golden trolley.
Dummy: Good. Oh, I have one last question. And this is important.
You: Shoot.
Dummy: Do I have to love clowns? Because they terrify me.
You: We do have to love them, but we can stay away from them. They terrify me too.
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