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I remember the night my husband and I went out together for dinner. Time alone. I knew it was mostly for my sake and though I was grateful for his time and attention, I couldn't help but wonder why most married men don't feel the same need for quality time as women do. If, in the dating years, they arrive so eagerly on a girl's doorstep, flowers in hand, and leave reluctantly many hours later, why, years later, are they often occupied in other goals and share much less time together? I puzzled over this for many years.
That night I asked my husband the daunting question. His reply was forth right and simple. �It's because that was the only time we had to spend together; now we get to live together.� Simple, is it not? Once more, a light bulb went on in my head.
It is difficult for many girls to adjust to married life for this very reason. Before marriage, they are accustomed to being chief in their man's thoughts and time. Months are spent planning the special day, hours enjoyed together where she drinks in all the attention he lavishes on her. Flowers appear on her door step. During all this time, she has her parents, siblings, and girl friends to hang out with as well. Her life is literally drenched in love and friendship.
The wedding day comes and her heart may be unaware that in a few weeks life will feel very different. Her loving husband will go off to work, and if life happens as usual, he will become quite occupied in his vocation. Not only that, he will begin missing his buddies and may well phone her from work to ask her about joining his friends for a few hours that evening.
The new bride feels shocked. She has spent time planning dinner and thinking of the evening together, missing his presence. At this point, she feels hurt and very disappointed. For good reason? To her, yes; to him, no. How she reacts to these things will affect both their future happiness.
There is balance between co-dependence and independence. Both spouses will be more fulfilled if they have balanced friendships outside of marriage. If a husband wants to go out with friends, what a great time for a wife to go out with hers, or have a special time at home doing something she enjoys. Even if there are kids involved, this can be a perfect night to make it special with them.
Avoid self pity at all costs. There are few things as unattractive as a girl who pities herself at every turn. Or a girl who wallows in self pity instead of clearly (and gently) communicating her needs. Sometimes a girls �needs� are, in fact, simply desires which she needs to lay down out of love for her spouse. Or she may have a true need which can be expressed in love.
Quality time is of more importance than quantity. The time you have together will be meaningful and well spent as you learn to expect less and give more. As you give of yourself, you will also have a healthy spring board to make your own needs known. Most men will listen tenderly to a girl who is not a whiner, or selfish.
Accommodating his desires is a sacrifice with rich dividends. Your man will so appreciate you understanding his �man needs�, that he will, in turn, adore and treasure you.
A girl has so much power to fail proof her marriage. Sadly, many girls are too selfish to realize this, too full of expectations to understand the value and power of loving her man as herself. (Of course there are also many situations where a man is selfish, and no goodness in his wife will draw him. Women are not responsible for their actions--- but we may encourage or discourage our men. The focus here is our own hearts and how our lives affect theirs.)
That lonely feeling you may experience when he does his thing will not kill you. But withdrawal of your heart, if you continue in selfishness, will make both of you miserable.
Learn to observe, and see what kind of women are respected and treasured by their men. This will be eye opening. I have observed certain couples for years, and have seen the more critical, less respectful women grow older without the love they long for. I have also seen girls who have determined to stay in the soft spot of their man's heart, and the love they enjoy after many years is more than sweet.
Sometimes, what we set about to accomplish we unknowingly destroy. Men are attracted to ladies who are confident, but respectful. Girls who have an enjoyable life of their own invite them to share in a good life. No man wants to be everything to a woman. When a girl has her own great life (even if it something at home), she is alluring to her man, who is attracted to her goodness. When she ends all of herself and tries to get meaning and fulfillment entirely from him, she unknowingly turns him away.
This is called co-dependency.
For years, I depended on my husband for my happiness, and it wasn't until I was stretched beyond my limits that I broke free.
First of all, my husband attended academy for seven months, six hours away from the old farmhouse where I stayed with four little ones. My closest friends were at least twenty minutes away, I had no internet, and no smart phone. He drove home each weekend for a short visit, then needed to drive right back for another week. After seven and a half months, because he needed to begin work right away, I navigated through our move to the other side of the state.
There's nothing like driving a mini van loaded with four little ones, a dog, and some house plants to a home you've never seen, to shake you of some co-dependence. Everything was new, and I only slightly knew one person in the entire area. But it didn't end there.
My husband's job required him to work nights much of the time. I had to learn how to function well with bed times, wake up times, and sometimes three meals a day alone with the kids. Because he worked weekends a lot, I also wanted to branch out with new friendships, become involved in our church, and be a meaningful part of the new community. My brother in law moved in, and I was homeschooling our four.
Stretched to my limits, God used it all to shake me of the idea that I was dependent on another to function well. As friendships grew and I became integrated in a wonderful church and community, my confidence grew and I felt new strength rise within me.
Our marriage strengthened as well. Being co-dependent on another for security, happiness, and fun is more of a hindrance than a blessing. This doesn't mean you don't have fun, enjoyable times together-- you actually get more, because when you are not grasping constantly, you are able to give and receive well. Both of you come together with love and joy. When you love your life, you become lovable and fun to be around. You share joy. You breathe excitement, whether over big things or small.
Your joy is caught and appreciated. It draws your man in.
Mothers, this mentality can be yours even as a stay at home mama with little ones. Keep fun things going in your life, enjoy each moment, and laugh during challenging ones. If you love to paint, make time to do so. If running makes you happy, buy a jogger stroller, put those babies inside, and run a mile or two. Live your life with excitement over the things that make you �tick�, and you will be a pleasant person for your man to come home to.
Keep going out for a special girl's night. Keep those hobbies. Love your life! The only exception, of course, is when your guy expresses a desire for you to change. Always be considerate and giving to your man. If you are one of those women who are constantly on the run and your man needs you home more, by all means, change for him. I am speaking here of shedding co-dependence, not of becoming so independent that our men feel alone or neglected. As in everything, there is beautiful balance.
Some of us may be codependent not on our husbands alone, but on people, places, or things. I firmly believe that God gives us natural desire, and He loves to make us happy. When we are blessed, we should live it up! That strong desire for romance it there to be fulfilled. The love of what you do best is there because God wants you to thrive in that. Even our love for good food is a rich gift from the Lord meant to be enjoyed.
But there's more to life. And finding the source of meaning, security, and peace in our deepest place with the Lord sets us free to still live in joy when all we desire is not present. Live up your life, enjoy it fully, know you are born for blessing--- but don't hang on to temporal people or things so tightly that they become the defining factor for your peace.
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