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Jonah, Best of Bible Sports part II
by Jacob Gibson
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Gabriel: Hello and welcome back to the...

VII=<>*<>*<>={({( National Faithful League! )})}=<>*<>*<>=VII

Gabriel: Before the commercial break we saw Jonah run like the wind and then leap onto a ship like a kangaroo. And though this would be amazing under normal circumstances, his actions are disobeying God which means that pretty much anything he does may not count for anything.

Michael: Yes, thatís right. Weíre all waiting and hoping that he makes the right decision soon and changes course so the Ninevites can hear the Lordís message. It would be a shame for this to turn out bad. I never like it when my favorite players lose, and God doesnít want anyone to lose in the long run.

Gabe: Right. Letís go back to Jonah now. The crew was fairly nice to him and didnít seem to mind that he jumped aboard. Now the prophet has gone down to the lowest part of the ship to take a rest and regain his strength. Who could blame him after that run?

Mike: He doesnít look like heís sleeping very peaceful though. That often happens when we sin against the King. Hmmmm, do you think we should have done the commercial break during this time? This isnít very exciting. Maybe Iíll eat my angel food cake now.

Gabe: We could watch something else going on in the world right now. *pushes buttons on a remote that takes them to different areas of the Earth* Letís see... no... no... no... definitely not...

Mike: Woah! Hold it! Go back to the boat!

Gabe: Holy mackerol! Look at this storm! It came out of nowhere like someone turned on a switch. (I didnít do it!) The ship is getting tossed like last week's meatloaf and looks like it could break apart any second!

Mike: The crew is scared silly and throwing things overboard to ligthen the boat! If this is part of Jonahís punishment, I hope no one has to suffer with him. Oh wait, whatís happening now?

Captain: *runs down to Jonah and shakes him* What do you mean, sleeper? Arise, call on your God; perhaps your God will consider us, so that we may not perish.

Crew: *yelling to each other* Come, let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this trouble has come upon us.

Mike: Cast lots? Cast lots of what? Sand? Fish?

Gabe: You really donít know? After how long weíve been watching everything!

Mike: Just kidding. I know what they are.

Gabe: Uh-oh! Itís fallen on Jonah!

Crew: Please tell us! For whose cause is this trouble upon us? What is your occupation? And where do you come from? What is your country? And of what people are you?

Jonah: I am a Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the dry land.

Crew: He ran from God! *totally freak out* Why have you done this? What shall we do to you that the sea may be calm for us?

Jonah: Pick me up and throw me into the sea; then the sea will become calm for you. For I know that this great tempest is because of me.

Gave & Mike: UH-OH!

Gabe: Wait, theyíre still trying to row back to land! Maybe thereís a small chance to............................. never mind. This looks bad.

Crew: *cries out* We pray, O LORD, please do not let us perish for this manís life, and do not charge us with innocent blood; for You, O LORD, have done as it pleased You.

Mike: Oh theyíre picking him up. There he goes into the raging water! *bites nails*

Gabe: Those strong guys can really throw far! Uh... sorry. Whatís this? The storm stopped just like that!

Mike: Look! The crew offers sacrrifices to the Lord and makes vows to him in great fear! What a surprise! Even though Jonah foolishly disobeyed the Lord, He used the dire situation to bring these sailors to know him. Itís amazing how He can do these kind of things.

Gabe: Yes, and maybe theyíll let him back on board now, unless theyíre afraid the storm will come again. Hopefully the guy doesnít have to endure a long swimming event next. Michael, do you get the strange feeling that the Lord has prepared something to happen right now?

Mike: Yes, I feel it but I donít know why. Hold on... what's in the water? It's really big and heading right towards Jonah! Itís... itís....

Gabe: *jaw drops* OH!... OH!.... OH!

Mike: *eyes bulge* NO WAY!

Gabe: *puts hands on face* OH MY WOOOOOOOORD! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?! Gah! Great pink behemoths! I am speechless! Completely speechless! Jonah just swallowed a whale!! I mean, a whale swallowed Jonah!! *pounds desk again* Letís watch the replay in slow motion............. Gross! Man alive!

Mike: Did you say manna live?

Gabe: No. Oh my! Ladies and gentlemen, we have seen many things on this program but NEVER anything like THIS! Speechless, I tell you!

Mike: No kidding. Ya know, suddenly that fish sandwich commercial we just watched has lost all appeal. Bleh.

Gabe: Whales are actually mammals, not fish.

Mike: I knew that.

Gabe: Yet you thought they laid eggs!

Mike: I didnít say that! You did!

Gabe: Oh, thatís right. It was a figure of speech. Letís hope that Jonah isnít man-a dead. If the story ends like this, I donít know how I can continue this show.

Mike: On the bright side, Jonah can be thankful that whales werenít created with sharp teeth or he could have been dead already.

Gabe: The ship crew is freaking out at the sight, and who could blame them? Letís take a look inside the great fish to see how heís doing.... Yuck! Heís alive but probably doesnít feel like it.

Mike: I feel sorry for him, even though he had it coming. Whatís the prophet doing now? Letís listen.

Jonah: *bangs on whaleís rib cage and shouts in desperation and panic*


Jonah: Out of the belly of Sheol I cried, And You heard my voice. For You cast me into the deep, Into the heart of the seas, And the floods surrounded me; All Your billows and Your waves passed over me. Then I said, ĎI have been cast out of Your sight; Yet I will look again toward Your holy temple.í The waters surrounded me, even to my soul; The deep closed around me; Weeds were wrapped around my head. I went down to the moorings of the mountains; The earth with its bars closed behind me forever; Yet You have brought up my life from the pit, O LORD, my God. When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the LORD; And my prayer went up to You, Into Your holy temple. Those who regard worthless idols Forsake their own Mercy. But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay what I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD.

Gabe: *wipes tears from eyes* Iím so moved. I hope the Lord will rescue him.

Mike: Same here. Hold on, Iím getting a message from Him right now.

Gabe: Me too.

*both angels listen carefully and then look at each other with the same expression*

Mike: Uh... um... wow

Gabe: Ooh... boy. Letís just get to work and not dwell on it.

Mike: Right.

Jonah: *sits quietly in the whaleís belly*

????: Fear not, Jonah.

Jonah: Aaaaaaaaaah!! Who are you?!

Mike: We are messengers sent here by the Lord to tell you that He has heard you prayers and knows you are here.

Gabe: You will not die in this great fish but the Lord will surely rescue you from death.

Mike: You will be here for a little while longer and then you will walk on dry ground again.

Gabe: Remember that the Lord is always with you, and you must always obey Him.

Jonah: I will remember. Thank you. Hello? Where did they go? Am I losing my mind?


Mike: Alright, that wasnít so bad. I donít know why I hesitated. At least we donít have to be in there for three days like he will.

Gabe: And that weíre not bound at the Euphrates river waiting to give judgement at the end of the world.

Mike: What? Is this another future thing?

Gabe: Sorry.

Mike: But yes. We have one exciting job. The third of the angels that chose to follow Lucifer really got the worst deal ever. Serving the King is the best job any angel or human could ever want.

Gabe: Well folks, this is going to take awhile so weíll see you again after the commercial break. I have a feeling that the story is almost over. It should be good. Stay tuned!

Both: Halleluah! The Lord is completely just and merciful to all! Glory to his name forever!

*music plays*

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