Humor
5 In Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee.
6 And Solomon said, Thou hast shewed unto thy servant David my father great mercy, according as he walked before thee in truth, and in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with thee; and thou hast kept for him this great kindness, that thou hast given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day.
7 And now, O LORD my God, thou hast made thy servant king instead of David my father: and I am but a little child: I know not how to go out or come in.
8 And thy servant is in the midst of thy people which thou hast chosen, a great people, that cannot be numbered nor counted for multitude.
9 Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people?
I Kings 3:5-9
Not long ago, recent archeologists uncovered a secret cave in Israel that held ancient records of history. One of the items uncovered was a document that, many believe, could be a missing section of the Bible. Some experts think that it could be a part located between verses six and seven of I Kings 3. This... is the actual original document, left as found with no changes whatsoever. Is it real or fake? You decide.
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And now, O LORD my God, thou hast made thy servant king instead of David my father. I know that no man hath gone to the past before and seen the things that our fathers hath seen and done that only Thou knowest. Give therefore thy servant opportunity to go back and see for himself three events in history, and determine if he cannot improve what has happened before.
And the speech interested the LORD, that Solomon had asked such a thing. And God said, It will be as thou hath asked. And the Lord sent an unicorn to come to Solomon with many colors. Solomon gathered supplies for himself and climbed onto it, and the unicorn did run like a galloping horse and leap off a hill into the air and soar in the sky.
And in a moment the unicorn did land outside of the city of Jerusalem at night. Solomon left it there and went into the city, taking his supplies with him. Having faith that he could still be born no matter what, He went to the house of Bath-sheba, his mother, before she was his mother, though she would be his mother. He took a large sheet through which none could see, and spread it over the place where she would wash herself, and did rest outside in a tent until dawn.
And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Jo-ab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rab-bah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem. Then Solomon went to his father, David, and said unto him, Long live King David of Israel, God’s chosen one! I am a traveler from a distant land and have a message thou must hear.
Then David did greet him and say unto him, Thou mayest tell me for I want to hear it. But thou lookest familiar. Knowest I thee? Then Solomon became afraid and answered, I believest not we hath met before. My name is Nomolos. I come to tell thee that thou must go out and fight with your men. You must not stay here. And thou must also marry Bath-sheba after her husband Uriah hath died. Go at once! But David heeded him not and said he would tarry in Jerusalem to rest and to pray and to write psalms.
Solomon was sorry and departed to the house of his mother, Bath-sheba, and was surprised that the sheet was removed. He greeted her and said, Woman, I could not help but notice that there was a sheet there and now it is gone. May I ask why thou hast taken it down? She answered, I knowest not who had put it there and I took it down, for I like to feel the sunshine while I am in this room. Solomon did try to convince her to keep it there but she listened not to him, and everything happened the same as before. Solomon departed from Jerusalem on the unicorn very displeased.
Then the unicorn did leap again in the air and landed in the wilderness. And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him. And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me. And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron. And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.
But Solomon approached the people of Israel saying, Stop! Do not commit this sin! I am a messenger from God and tell you that you must not give yourselves to idols and forget what the LORD hath done to rescue you from bondage! Be patient for Moses to return and the LORD shall bless thee and thy descenants greatly. Then Solomon did fetch a hammer he brought with him, and ran to the golden calf and smashed it to pieces. The people shouted with a loud voice and rushed him as one to lay hands on him, but the Lord rescued Solomon with the unicorn and he escaped without harm. The people instead did fashion a unicorn out of wood with pieces of gold from the calf and worshipped it.
Finally the unicorn did land in a beautiful garden, and Solomon determined to do what he planned. Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And when he saw Solomon he said unto him, It seemeth as though you have come from a long way. Come and eat of this tree to satisfy your hunger and ye shall become wise as well. For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as a god, knowing good and evil.
And when Solomon saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise he said unto the serpent, Serpent... goest thou down to the pit! And Solomon did retrieve his ax from the bag on his unicorn and cut down the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The serpent fled from the tree to another and the tree fell to the ground. Then Solomon did rub two sticks together and make a fire and burned it to ashes, and he did shout and dance with much gladness and singing. But the Lord caused another tree of knowledge of good and evil to rise up that the serpent went to, and when Solomon saw it he wept sore.
Then the unicorn he rode did run away from his sight into the garden. And Solomon cried out to God and said, Vanity! It was all vanity! O LORD, why hast thou kept thy servant from changing what was wicked to what is good? Doest thou not desire that man do what is righteous in thy sight? I doth not understand. And the LORD said unto him, Why art thou disappointed? Come, there is a thing thou should see. And the Lord carried him away, and Adam and Eve saw it but knew not who the man was or from where he came.
He looked again and behold, he stood on a hill with a large number of people who were weeping, and there before him were three men nailed to large pieces of wood. A Man between the two was naked and looked to be badly beaten and bruised, yet still spoke words of compassion around Him. A sign above his head said The king of the Jews. When Solomon saw this he was filled with horror and cried with the women beside him. LORD, what does this mean? Who is this Man and what hath he done? I understand not.
The LORD answered, I am the LORD thy God, and know all things. My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts. What man has meant for evil, I will make it for good and will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. The greatest evil of man will be used for my highest glory. No one can change what I have planned. Though ye understand not the meaning of this, one day ye may if ye obey my commands. Be content with what you have. I am all that thou needest.
And Solomon looked again and behold he had returned to Gibeon. And the LORD spoke to him again and said, Thou hast seen a vision and hast not changed anything. I will say to thee one more time; ask what I shall give thee. And Solomon knewest straight away what he should asketh for.
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Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28
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Quick Facts: (1) The original idea for the time travel device was going to be a large golden sun dial, but I went with the unicorn because I thought it would be funny and a good time to use it. (It’s mentioned enough in the Bible that it ought to be featured!) And no, I was not inspired by MLP since it wasn’t out at this time. (2) Instead of destroying the golden calf, I first planned for Solomon to assassinate the pharaoh of Egypt during the Israelites’ slavery, which would result in a more stubborn pharaoh taking throne and fifteen plagues instead of ten. (Or he would fight a leviathan) (3) The idea for this story came to me out of nowhere while pushing carts at the store where I work. Weird!
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