TITLE: Dealing With A Low-Self-Esteem
By Cheryl saddlemire
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She had a younger brother who was younger than she was. When she did a mistake, he often said, “
“Charmaine, you are very stupid, and very dumb.”
Charmaine wondered if she was stupid. She wondered if that was the reason why she had trouble keeping up in class. She wondered if God wanted her to be that way., but often asked herself as to why she was different from the students.
When she went to Sunday school every week, sometimes she was able to follow along with the bible studies, and other times she had to get help either from the teacher or the person who assisted.
Charmaine had a neighbour who had been a good friend to her, but she often criticized Charmaine about her stuttering. Charmaine always stuttered. She thought of what she was going to say, but she had difficulty pronouncing syllable words. Charmaine's mother never took her to see a speech therapist because she didn't want those speech sessions to interfere with her schooling.
By the time Charmaine was in her 20's, she was seen a speech therapist each week for four months. During that time Charmaine's speech improved. Charmaine still had some difficulty saying some of the multi-syllable words, but she did a lot of progress. Often there were times when she hurted herself with a hammer because she thought that she wasn't worthy for others be around in social atmospheres.
Charmaine also had talent. She could play the piano, and she was also an artist. She drew trees, grass, gravel,people, animals, and flowers. When she was in elementary school, she drew pictures in her spare time. She the mediums that she used were pencils, pastels, and water colors.
Charmaine took piano lessons. She played the piano for almost a hour each day when she came home from school. Her music teacher said that she had a natural talent for music. Charmaine practiced several pieces. A few times she played in front of the the congregation at the church. The people were very impressed in the sanctuary.
When she was in grade 10, she was required to a cooking assignment just like the other students in the class. She was making bean salad. When she had trouble understanding the recipe, her teacher became angry, and said,
"Charmaine, I am getting furious with her."
Charmaine hardly got into any trouble at school,but her feelings her hurt. She slowly, but surely make progress with the dish.
When Charmaine graduated from high school, she worked as a housekeeper in a hospital, and she also took college courses at night. Charmaine studied computers, art, and writing. Charmaine kept a journal beside her bed, and wrote what she did almost every day. Sometimes she just wrote what events that were significant to her.
Charmaine's parents never encouraged her to take post-secondary education, but she did. Charmaine failed a grammar test in one of her courses, and she didn't feel very good about herself. Her faith in God became weak, and she turned to alcohol. She felt suicidal when she was alone at home. She even felt suicidal at work, so she called 911.
When Charmaine was done her shift at work, she went to bars on a Friday or Saturday evenings. Older men who sat beside her had bought her drinks. All Charmaine did was cry. She felt as if her friends at church didn't care about her. They seemed to have their own lives besides attending church each week.
She looked for love in the wrong places. She didn't have a boyfriend. She had one, but she fell out of love with him when he left her first. It seems that nobody was interested in her.
She took college courses at night. When she failed on exam in one of her tests, she felt suicidal. She had a journal at her bedside. She wrote all the stuff that she accomplished in life, and stuff that she didn't.
Her mother, Dad, and her brothers were very successful in school, and in college. Her mother was a nurse, her father was a teacher, and her brothers were honor students in high school. They attended university. One of her brother became a teacher, and the other one worked in a correctional facility.
Charmaine audited a few courses in the local university. She took a course in world religions. She didn't too well on her tests, but she managed to get a 60% on her essay. She was pleased, but her professor said that her writing skills were inadequate. Charmaine knew about the bible.
Ever since she was little, Charmaine went to church, and to Sunday school. She also attended catechism classes. She knew about God and His powers. When she attended those catechism classes, she focused more on Jesus, and his love, and not so much herself.
If she was anywhere else like at home, she felt inadequate. Her brother seems to be the favorite one in the family. He always got straight A's. He was an honor student. Charmaine often excused herself from the dinner table before anyone else.
Charmaine eventually met somebody,and later on she had 2 kids. Charmaine's husband was good to her, but other times he said cruel stuff to her like saying that she was more trouble than she was worth or that she was retarded. When he said those insulting things to her, he apologized.
Her children were intelligent. Charmaine held down a job in the store, and raised 3 kids. In her spare time, Charmaine attended a few art classes, and she wrote, and illustrated a few children's books. She submitted a copy of one of her books to the school her son and daughter attended.
Charmaine sought help from psychotherapist. He gave her some medication for depression.
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