TITLE: broken shackles By ese Adonkie 11/01/05 |
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I had come to a point in my life where I felt suicide was the only option. Depression had eaten deep into me. Fear of a bleak future held me prisoner and because I was so afraid of failure I could not step out of this prison to achieve anything.
Apart from the depression, I felt worthless. I was not contributing much either to the world or my family I was little in my own eyes.
I saw my life as a life of wasted years; I had so little self worth. Nothing really mattered to me. Not my husband or kids, not my parents or brothers, not my friends.
It began each morning of my dreary existence and would last all day.I heard this voice say inside my head that i was nothing and nobody. All i did all day was cook, clean, take care of the kids and start the circle all over again each day. That voice told me to look out and see how others were faring, other mothers and wives. It said they had the perfect life. a job, more income, respect from others because they were career women contributing to the affairs of the nation and bringing meaningful pay checks home so dreams could be achieved but what did I do? Stay at home all day to nurture two little kids that’s all? What did I bring home to contribute? Nothing.i only did the eating!
So I began to envy them and long for what they had. The perfect life! Career women not just a stay at home mum like me.
The more I thought about it the more I got depressed. My husband and kids suffered. I blamed them for my present predicament; I saw them as shackles holding me from achieving all I wanted to. I began to resent and maltreat them. I lost patience with the kids and beat them for every mistake i made. I wanted to be someone else apart from being a mother. As far as i was concerned they represented my handicap.Each day i woke up to my chores, depression woke up with me and took its place firmly in my heart and spoilt my day even before it began.
Then i had an encounter with someone who told me about Jesus. How he died for me, and loves me, and gives everyone a ministry. She made me understand that there was a set time for everything. For now my ministry was my kids, they were little now but would not always be so; she told me so many things that set me free. She taught me how to go to God in prayer to renew my soul. She asked if iwould accept Jesus in my life so he could be my lord and personal savior, as I nodded my head, i began to cry and it began to rain. The rain washed me clean, I was drenched but I was free at last!
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