Healing
Emotional Pain; Wounds that are delivered blow by blow, to the psyche; the heart of what makes a person who they are. Wounds that cannot be measured in bruises and bumps, or cuts and scrapes; Wounds that fester, but do not bleed; Wounds that leave their mark upon the human heart.
Within the heart of the woman labeled, “Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Assault”, lie the darkened secrets and memories of a childhood she has long since tried to erase. Secrets, now covered by the fogginess of time, lie virtually unnoticed as the deceiver of mankind sets the stage to destroy her faith, her hope, and even her soul. This woman is someone just like you. She is a daughter, a sister, a mother, an aunt, and a grandmother. She’s your next door neighbor, or your best friend. She is your brother’s wife, your mother or even your sister. She is any woman you know and many of the women you don’t. She is well respected within her community, or not respected at all. She’s the lady of the house, or the lady of the evening. She… could even be you. On the outside you may never notice the darkness that has occurred in her soul. She hides it well. She is an expert at pasting on a smile and keeping the silence of her secret locked away from the reality of her mind. Oh, she knows the darkness is there, but she doesn’t want anyone to know just how deep it has pervaded her soul. She puts forth a strong front to show the world she’s tough; she’s ready to handle anything and afraid of nothing. She lets the world believe she is capable. But inside she’s dying for the hope she no longer believes in. Inside her heart aches with a pain that demands a justice she doesn’t believe exists. Inside her faith is being destroyed and though she cries for help, she doesn’t believe her cries will be heard. In her solitude of self, she wrestles with the fear of what she cannot see, and the things she cannot control. Her life has been shattered into a thousand tiny pieces and scattered throughout the years of her life. Her hope of restoration has long since been replaced by the drudgery of living. She longs for peace, and quietness of heart and soul. She prays for laughter and joy. Each morning she looks in the mirror and ponders the vacant eyes staring back at her. Day after day, month after month, and year after year, she continues her existence in silence while nothing seems to change except the age of the face in the mirror.
The pain of an Adult Survivor of childhood sexual assault runs so deep that most people cannot comprehend the depth of emotions ruling the hearts and lives of those who have been subjected to such atrocity. Friends and family members may be willing to lend a sympathetic ear at first, but sadly that sympathy is short lived. For the briefest of moments there is enough compassion within the hearts of human beings to be touched by the horrors of abuse, but because they lack the understanding at the root of the mental, emotional, and spiritual battles adult survivors face on a daily basis, more often than not, that response becomes: “It’s in the past, get over it.” While that may be easy for some to do, to those such as myself, living beyond the rule of the inner struggle has not been a simple task. It has been a long hard battle with an attitude of solid determination to overcome, and a constant choice to keep walking forward on the path where true freedom can be found.
This book has been written, not only for personal reasons, but to give voice to the inner battles adult survivors deal with in their daily lives. It is written to let them know they are not alone. There is hope. There is healing, and there is freedom to all who have been trapped in this lifestyle of trauma. It is my hope to point you in the right direction on this journey toward healing in Christ Jesus. I can tell you what I have done and how it’s helped me, but I will tell you now, you will have to take the steps yourself. If you truly desire to find the life you were meant to live, then today your journey begins with first steps.
First steps: A conscious and deliberate move in an effort to alter your present condition.
There are first steps of every kind. First steps are usually huge. First steps are usually frightening, and typically, taking that first step is the only real way lasting change can be brought about in your life. God wants to heal your heart and He definitely wants to free you from those things that keep you spiritually bound from Him. But Beloved, God needs your participation. He will not force you to cooperate with His Spirit for the changes that need to be made. It will take a conscious and deliberate move on your part to begin. I am including a few first steps that will help you open the door to the prison of emotions your heart and soul are in:
1. Admitting “it” happened.
One of the first things in finding healing is the re-opening of old wounds. Admitting or acknowledging the wound of sexual assault and giving place to the emotions that were not allowed to surface in your childhood. As frightening as that may be, this a must. For those who have never reached this first step before now I caution you to brace yourself. The pent up emotions of a Survivor can be very strong and very intense. To literally describe the emotional phase of admitting sexual abuse would be to say the wound has just happened. In essence, you will be experiencing the pain as if the abuse recently took place. This is very natural and although these emotions can be quite scary, let them have their place. These emotions deserve to be acknowledged and to be heard. Eventually, this phase will pass and you will find the intensity subsides.
In admitting sexual abuse to ourselves we give our brains permission to process the events of the past in the here and now, and acknowledge to God that we have a very deep wound in dire need of His healing power.
2. Accepting abuse as part of your past.
Accepting abuse as part of your past isn’t as weird as it may first sound. The fact is that sexual abuse is a horrible circumstance that took place in your childhood, but that same abuse-as horrible as it was, has helped to shape you into who you are today, and helps mold you into who you become tomorrow. You accept that you cannot change the fact that rape or molestation is a part of your past, and you accept the challenge to change those things in your future that are within your power and control to do so-and only those things - and you work toward what can be considered the greater good of a horrible circumstance. I used to look at my past as a dirty secret that I didn’t want anyone to know about. But today, I look back and say, if I hadn’t gone through what I did, maybe I wouldn’t be as compassionate toward my fellow man. Maybe I wouldn’t want to help other’s who struggle with the questions of their lives. My abuse, as horrible as it was, has made me a better person. The end result is more glorious than the beginning.
3. Admitting the need for help.
Admitting your need help is not an admission of weakness. Anyone who has been victimized needs someone to talk to, someone who will understand the fears and pain, and give you room to express the emotions of your heart and give a safe environment for healing. There really isn’t much more a counselor or Psychologist can actually do besides ask the questions that get you to open up. There is a reason I say we must admit the need for help. God is a gentleman. He will not force His way into your heart or into your past; He will only enter when you give Him permission to do so. We know we can’t physically sit down with God, so we’ve got to look for that avenue that will give us the opportunity to open ourselves up as if God were the one in the room with us. A physical person gives us someone real to look at and talk to. A real voice we can hear, physical hands to hold and give comfort. Admitting our need for help isn’t easy but in doing so we remove ourselves from the role of “rescuer” to the role of the one in need of “rescued.” We give God the place He rightfully deserves as our Redeemer, and Rescuer.
Now, once you admit the need for an outside source to help or guide you through this journey, I want to draw a distinction between the people you talk to, and where your help actually comes from. It is important that you understand there is only One who has the ability to offer you any real hope of total recovery and that “He” is not a physical person. The physical person you will meet with each week is an instrument God uses to reach your heart. There is nothing magical or mystical about them. They are a human being just like you. They are there to ask you questions, and allow you to give your answers. The One you will encounter as your Help is God Almighty. He is the only One who possesses the ability to reach past the physical into the spiritual (both present and past) and to heal (fix) that which modern counseling and psychology cannot touch; the wounded human spirit.
If you choose to seek help from a professional counselor, I would (firmly) suggest Christian counseling because of the spiritual aspect involved with childhood sexual assault. Not that I am against someone in the secular world from treating a Christian, but with Christian counseling you should receive a “God-like” viewpoint, more so than someone who is not a Christian is capable of seeing. Another set of eyes to perceive the situation from a biblical point of view. This person must be one whose faith is firmly grounded in Jesus Christ. I do realize finding a spirit filled, Christian counselor may be just as difficult as taking your first step, but worth every effort you put forth.
In my opinion-and it is only my opinion, the best off secular counseling has is a “band-aid” treatment for a wound in need of deep spiritual surgery. Please do not misunderstand me here. The profession is definitely surrounded by those who are compassionate and deeply caring in their efforts, but they are bound by regulating laws and practices that lack the spiritual understanding when it comes to the matters of the heart. But by all means, if secular counseling is the only counseling you can find, please begin there.
I also want to offer you one warning. Anyone offering you freedom from the past, by your ability to achieve certain steps, does not understand the intricate emotions of the victim of abuse, nor do they have a clue into the far reaching ability of the healing power of God. Although good advice and self affirming actions can increase your self esteem, there are no step-by-step instructions that offer true spiritual freedom from the present emotional struggles. Each survivor needs healing individually crafted for their personal circumstances, emotions, and heart. What works for one, may not work at all for the other and there is no step-by-step program which has ever been able to claim the ability to reach into the past and heal the emotions that presently bind its victim to the past. Only Jesus Christ can, and does, offer that kind of freedom and healing, and any Christian counselor should lead you in that manner. If you are not being led to Jesus Christ as your Ultimate Healer…find another counselor!
Once you have begun the first steps toward freedom, the remainder of this journey becomes a day-by-day process, and let me be the first person to break the news to you…this process will not be hurried. When you look up the word “Process,” one part of its definition is as follows: “A natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result.” Your particular result is freedom from the emotions and torture of your past, but freedom does not happen overnight. God will intentionally take you into and through each layer of change that He has specifically designed for your heart. During this time, every heart and mind attitude that has become an accepted way of life (a non-truth) for you will be revealed, and as God reveals them and heals them, you will be given opportunities to learn how to re-think your position in God and in life. You will be given opportunities to learn how to accept the freedom that has already been given to you through Jesus Christ, and you will then begin to learn how to walk in that freedom.
Another part of the process is identifying the attitudes and mindsets that are symptomatic of sexual abuse; symptoms that end up taking the majority of our time, and attention in this life. These symptoms range from mild to severe, and have all been rooted in the lie of sexual assault. They present themselves as truth. We may evaluate or perceive them as truth, but they are not what God has intended for His Beloved to walk in. They are symptoms of a lie and the lie is the thoughts, perceptions, intentions and attitudes produced by the act of childhood sexual assault..
Symptoms can include, but are not limited to the following:
*Fear (unexplained, and/or directed toward an individual)
*Anxiety
*Depression
*Suicidal thoughts/tendencies/wishing you were dead (whether or not you actually attempt to take your own life)
*Self destruction
*Obesity/Anorexia-self destructive patterns
*Drastic changes in behavior/moods/grades
*Promiscuity
*Gender Identity issues
*Alcohol/substance abuse
*Prostitution
*Tendency for co-dependency in relationships
*Activity in the natural realm which cannot be explained physically.
Sexual abuse is an unfortunate circumstance that happens in life. It is a tool Satan uses to condition the creation of God-us, into accepting an implied thought process of the heart as a fact for our lives. The lie of abuse says, “I’ve been bad and therefore deserve to be abused.” But abuse is not a determining factor of who we are. We have to get rid of the implications that we are victims, and to do so, we need to get rid of some deep seated mindsets that are very detrimental to this journey of freedom.
The Determined Mindset and the Victim Mindset. Both mindsets rise from the symptoms of abuse and cause the journey toward freedom to become stagnated. A determined mindset is one that I relate to, and one that I can speak on with certainty. It is the woman who sets her heart and her mind toward personal strength and safety. She has determined no one will ever victimize her again, and she becomes the strong one, displaying her power and strength through her actions. Women with determined minds easily become promiscuous; reversing the role of victimization to user instead of used.
The victim mindset is the woman who has determined in her heart and mind, that being controlled is the only life she has been dealt. Being a victim is the only role she knows. Fear plays an important part in keeping her confined to abuse. It is easier for her to accept what she has always known than to live in what she doesn’t. She continues to be a doormat, rolling over and allowing the waves of life to toss her from here to there. Through her weaknesses she becomes a victim to the circumstances that surround her life. Women with the victim mindset easily enter into abusive and controlling relationships; never moving out of the childhood victimization role. It is quite possible for one woman to experience either mindset, at one time or another or a mixture of the two, but neither one is healthy for your heart, or your soul.
Either mindset is dangerous to your spiritual health, but the determined mindset might be a little tougher to break through than the victim mindset. Determined minds do everything for themselves. They don’t need any help. Even though they continue to experience difficulty from the past, they hold it inside and determine to become stronger. I can look back now and tell you that it doesn’t matter how much determination victims of abuse can muster up, because determining in our minds never to be a victim again isn’t enough; it doesn’t work. Instead, it sets us up for failure. Why? Because of the attitude that determination produces in the heart. We leave no room for the Spirit of God to work because we are busy saving, and protecting ourselves. Although we all smile and pretend it doesn’t affect us, any attempt of self-protection deepens the wounds and validates the lie of sexual abuse. Even the victim mindset is an attitude that attempts to self preserve. It produces the attitude of submissive slavery in order to preserve personal safety. But, most of us can attest to the fact that no matter how submissive we may have been we still ended up wounded.
Whether or not we presently acknowledge and accept it, the attitudes of our heart becomes the mindset that rules each survivor on an emotional level. It takes Someone greater than ourselves, and greater than our emotional struggles to rescue us, and lead us out of the prison we exist in. The prison I speak of is not one consisting of concrete and iron bars, but an inner attitude that chains and shackles each victim to the thoughts and beliefs that were taught to them through the circumstances of their abuse.
I had been aware of my past for many years and because I had read most of the self help books on the market, and watched many of the shows that dealt with sexual abuse, including Christian programs, I believed I was on the path toward recovery. But, in my quest to recover from my childhood wounds, not one book, or television show could tell me how to become free from the chains of the past. Not one of them was able to tell me how I could “fix” what was wrong inside of me. My heart still hurt. My thoughts still confused me. My past still controlled me, and my attitude still stank. There were a lot of suggestions for me to try to cover the problems over, but not one of them offered me what I truly desired; total freedom from every aspect of my troubled past. As an adult, I wasn’t just dealing with what had taken place in my childhood, but every day of my life I faced a barrage of negative emotions, deep depression, and spiritual torment that was directly linked to my past. No-one had been able to offer me a future free of depression or a future where fear didn’t rule my life. No one told me I didn’t have to remain chained to the past. No one told me I could be free. In my heart I knew there was only one way I could achieve total freedom and that would be through an encounter with the Living God. Only God held the power to redeem me from my ruined past, restore me to my rightful place, and rebuild me into His image; body, soul and spirit, and in the process of setting me free from the past, He would change the pervading attitude of my heart.
I realize that some of the things I share may come as a shock, and might even cause you to doubt the validity of my sanity but; what good is what I went through, and am overcoming if I don’t share with you what I know? Maybe because of what I’ve learned someone will understand that they were never destined to exist in torment. Maybe, because of the words I speak, someone will find healing for the wounds that rule their emotions. Maybe someone somewhere will be free. I have already asked God to prepare your heart to receive the truth and I also pray that God will give you wisdom to understand.
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