Poetry
I dream of a place so far away,
But yet so close you can see
The peace that is upon my face.
No more tears, pain, or burdens and fears.
There is joy around us everywhere.
The grass is green and flowers are very bright.
The water is so pure and the taste is sweet.
The animals will be laying at our feet.
They will be so gentle and soft to touch.
The children, they will be playing all around.
Their laughter will be a joy to our ears.
There will be sweet music everywhere.
No out of tune voices will be heard there.
For the sound will be gentle for all to hear.
We will have work, but what a joy.
All will be strong, no weakness there.
Now I would like for you all to know.
This is not just a dream I do have.
For God made this promise long ago.
And it will all come true.
For He loves us so.
(9-2-97) {Laura Elam}
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When you write "The peace that is upon my face," it implies a viewer looking at you. Who? Are these viewers in that Place? Or God? Or you?
"No more tears, pain, or burdens and fears" could be said in a less cliched manner.
"There is joy around us everywhere" "There is" is often filler. Remember everyword must count. As are "very" and "so" I'd describe purity and sweetness with an image as opposed to using those exact words.
When you say, "will" it implies again that this is a yearning and a hope. And the poem becomes more universal: The animals and the children. I'd rather a real clear personal image of the animals instead of one taken strictly from the Bible.
About "out of tune voices" I wondered a bit: yes, God will make everyone perfect. But why not have imprfect singers in heaven singing their hearts out gloriously?
Words like joy, strong, weakness are heavy words and should be carefully used because they have so many meanings they might seem vague.
The ending: "Now I would like for you all___" is abrupt. It doesn't only end the poem suddenly but it seems to imply that the reader either distrusts this dream or has never had the same dream.
You want to show the reader that the dream is valid and trustworthy (because it is a dream planted by a loving God) and far off yet near but I don't know if that ending does that.