Healing
Mommy: My First Ministry
(Feel free to read my previous entry, “Living for the Love of Me” to gain a greater understanding of this article. It was written in 2003 and it gives insight to my struggles with codependency)
It was around this time last year that my mother and I weren't speaking to each other. As much as it hurts to admit this, here is the jagged, scathing truth: I used to absolutely loathe my mother. How could a woman who held a child secluded in her tender, supple womb be so utterly detached from me – even if I was the fruit of her untamed lust? I was still her baby and worth the investment to love, right? Well, at the age of twenty-something, here I was, serving in ministry and hating my mother. I didn’t understand how the two dynamics could peacefully co-exist. Furthermore, I didn’t know why other ministers couldn’t see past my “anointing” to the core of my being – tattered, broken and bruised. Why couldn’t they tell that I really didn’t have it all together the way I appeared? Putting on a façade was an art form for me.
Last February, a few days shy of Valentine’s Day, I received what I thought was a devastating blow to my existence. My mother told me that her psychiatrist advised her to completely cut communication with me. ME – the person who once ran her small, delicate fingers through ridges of torn flesh from Mom’s abusers. ME – the seven-year-old who heard God whisper the answers to Mommy’s questions when she told me that she wanted to commit suicide. ME - the daughter who did everything she could to be the exact opposite of Mommy. I had lived a life clothed in perfectionism, fragranced by low self-esteem and shrouded in rejection. All of a sudden, I was cut loose by the one who I should be able to cling to the most. Why me? I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read these words, “Remember I birthed you; I chose not to flush you.”
It felt like a sharp knife had penetrated into my already tattered heart. What happened? I hadn’t been perfect enough to be loved? After 28 years, I still wasn’t worthy?
I called two close relatives who were committed to seeing me through the situation. I knew that there was major demonic activity at hand. But, I was too tired to fight. I had grown weary and I emotionally fainted from the pressure. One family member explained, “Imani, you’re more spiritually mature than your mother. You’ve known that for a while. Maybe this is a time to step away from this relationship. But she is going to need you before you need her. And when she does, you will have to be there for her and demonstrate the love of God.”
The days slowly ticked by…I was nauseous, exhausted and the fibers of my being seemed frayed beyond repair.
Then, seemingly, the earth shattered beneath my mother’s feet.
God was trying to prepare me for true ministry.
It was almost like clock work…the events came harder and stronger - the way I’ve heard many women describe childbirth.
March 25th – Mommy’s best friend of 42 years died suddenly of an aneurysm.
July 2nd – Mommy’s apartment flooded out and she was displaced for about a month.
September 25th – six months to the date of her best friend’s death, Mommy’s fiancée (one of the BEST men to grace the earth) died suddenly.
Unfortunately, my mother and I had to reunite under devastating circumstances. But, I’ve seen the Hand of God gently soothe the scorched areas of our relationship. We have watched Him mend the wounded places of our hearts for the past six months. Then, God allowed me to encounter alife-changing situation that enabled me to walk more boldly in the power of choice (remember as you read that I said it was a choice). I willingly made the best out of a recently offensive situation.
In January of this year (2007), I went out of town to help with a praise & worship conference that a close relative was hosting. After the festivities were over, numerous people were invited to her home to fellowship. When another family member asked me about a dish that one of the guests had made, I comically responded, "I don't know what that is but I don't know half of the people here. Everybody doesn't wash their hands so I'm only going to eat what my [relative] made."
Needless to say, the relative who was hosting looked at me and said with as much disgust as she could muster, "You are JUST like your mother." Well, I chose to believe that she was referring to my silly banter and not that she was being derogatory. After all, this was the person who was a sounding board when my relationship with my mother went awry last February. Surely, she couldn't have been trying to insult me knowing how deeply I was hurt and that I’m still healing, right?
So, I responded, "Okay, well you told me that not everything about my mom is bad. There are some good things about her, right?" My relative quickly retorted, "Yeah, I know what I said and you're still just like your mother." By this time, I realized that she was trying to be negative. Immediately, my entire demeanor changed. My face was sullen and I was hurt. People surrounding me couldn't understand my disdain. I began to share, in a very vague way, that I went through some things with my mother last year. I mentioned that this same relative had been there for me with words of encouragement. It literally tore me up inside to hear her compare me to the person that I know she has very little if any respect for. At that moment, I realized that my performance-based life didn't mean anything. The fact that I haven't had a baby out of wedlock, done drugs and alcohol and been sex-crazed like my mother seemingly meant nothing. All of the accomplishments that I made because I was driven - for the wrong reasons- to not want to be like my mother meant nothing. This person still looked at me and saw my mother. Wow....that was a lot to take in. Moreover, I had to search my heart and my motives to find out if I had made the right decisions for the wrong reasons.
Shortly thereafter, my best friend Genia and I went back to our big sister's place where we were staying for the weekend. She began to talk to me about not letting anyone else define who I am. She said to MAKE the comment into something positive - even if my aunt was trying to be negative.
After returning home, I was still troubled. Again, Genia gave me a dose of tough love. She told me that I had given too much power to my family in this situation. The fact that I was thinking about the disparaging comments so much was ridiculous. Then, I realized something that was both profound and simple. I realized that I'm not close enough to Jesus. Being close to Him makes the idiosyncrasies of life pale in comparison to His presence. I may be close to Him in a lot of other ways. But the Lord put the spotlight on the area of my identity in HIM -the most important concept that a person should grasp.
Then, He showed me something that was even more applicable to my ministry. At the praise & worship conference that I had just attended, I watched my relative minister to the congregation about being the "walking dead" and asking God to draw us back to Him. I witnessed her receive a powerful prophecy. I heard her lift up her voice in praise & worship. Yet, at the end of the day, I found her ministry to be of none effect to me personally. Why? Because our first ministry should be to our family and it should be one of reconciliation. Now, don't get me wrong. My relative is still called and anointed of God to do a great work. His Hand is undeniably upon her life. But, the Lord showed me a weakness in her life to pray for and to be mindful of in my own ministry.
It grieves me to hear family members talking openly about my mother in a derogatory way. Yet, none of them have called her and said, "Come on; let's pray. Before I host another conference and bring another celebrity to my events, let me see about your need. Let me esteem your life higher than my own so that my offering will be pure before the Lord." It would be a shame if we were to lay hands on the sick and prophesy over others but can't even call our family members to pray for five minutes. God forbid.
This is what I realized. I can't expect God to take me to the masses and be effective if I'm not a witness first and foremost to those closest to me. My mother is the first one to say that I led her to the Lord. But, I felt challenged for us to go to the next dimension - together. When Mom celebrated her birthday in mid-January, she was talking about some things that she's been bitter over for an excess of 35 years. I told her that now is the time for us to commit ourselves to prayer as mother and daughter. Now is the time for the sour taste of resentment to be removed just as dross is burned off of gold. So, we decided that we would pray together EVERY DAY starting on February 1st.
This may seem trivial to many people but that's a HUGE step for us. To go from not talking at all to delving into deep healing prayer every day is nothing short of a move of God. My mother's heart is pliable now and I'm moving closer and closer into another dimension of ministry. I told God that I didn't want one door to open for me to minister until I have proven to be consistent and faithful over my first ministry - my Mommy. And praying together isn't the end of it. I see God building bridges for other mothers and daughters through my mother and me. He has already given me some direct instructions and strategies for us to make this a national outpouring from our hearts into God's heart.
So, I hope you're up for the challenge. Do you criticize your family members (or allow others to belittle them in your presence) instead of calling them and praying for them? Do you assert your spiritual authority just as much at home as you do in church? If not, why? I think that we tend to feel vulnerable with our relatives and we think that they won't receive us because of our inherent flaws. However, each day that we don't minister to them and we know better, we are being held accountable. Do you hear the power in that word? Accountable - every single day. So, I encourage you and I plead with you. If you haven't committed to make your family your first ministry at all times (not just on holidays), please do it today. If you're already doing it, then please encourage others to follow suit.
I believe this is the cry of God's heart to the Body of Christ at this time. Church as usual is overrated. We're out of order. We need a revival in our homes first and then we'll see it in the church. Didn't Jesus minister at home first before He went abroad? And even though many at home didn't fully receive Him, He still left us with the model of how ministry should be done. Let's do the right thing. We don't have much time left. And as I round the bend towards the ripe age of 30, I want to be just as effective as Jesus was in his prime. I think He’s proud of me.
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