Short Dramas and Plays
You’ve Been Censored, Charlie Brown
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Maury- Head of network standards and practices
Greg, Glenda, Brad- Maury’s underlings
Linus (Optional)
[DIRECTOR’S NOTE: Ideally, this scene would be played with the network staffers on stage, and the scene from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Linus recites the Christmas story playing on a video screen. If that’s not possible, an actor can play Linus, in the appropriate Peanuts costume, on stage in a spotlight.]
Maury and company are sitting at a conference table. The phone rings. Maury answers.
MAURY: Standards and practices... Hello, Mr. Clark! Yes, we're sitting down to look at it now... I realize where the network stands, and I assure you, we won't let you down... uh huh. Okay, Mr. Clark, will do.
Maury hangs up.
GREG: So what's the big emergency, Maury?
MAURY: Kids, we got a major crisis on our hands. As you know, the FCC passed new regulations regarding offensive content on television. It's very important that we here do not let anything air that might violate those new rules.
GLENDA: We know all about that, Maury. What's the problem?
MAURY: The problem, Glenda, is that the boys in programming approved a certain thirty minute TV special to air on television tomorrow night that we now have to fix.
BRAD: Thirty minutes? We aired Pulp Fiction two months ago. How bad can it be?
MAURY: How bad? Johnny! Can you run tape for us? You kids watch the screen. You'll see the problem.
Spotlight on Linus, far stage right. OR, play the scene from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” on the video screen.
LINUS: Lights please! And there were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them, and they were sore afraid. But the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign to you: you shall find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger." Suddenly, a whole host of angels appeared, singing "Glory to God in the highest! Peace on Earth, good will to men."
Spotlight/Video out.
GLENDA: Wow.
GREG: Good grief! They approved this???
BRAD: Words can't say how offended I am.
GLENDA: The FCC will kill us with fines.
GREG: We'll lose sponsors, the ACLU will sue us.
MAURY: Relax, relax, people. The good news is network has given us total power to edit this and make it less offensive for those who do not celebrate X-mas.
GLENDA: (shudders) Don't even say it that way. It's so oppressive.
BRAD: This shouldn't be too hard.
GREG: Say what?
BRAD: All we need are a few bleeps here and there. Piece of cake. Here, play it back, Johnny.
Spotlight on Linus OR video plays again. NOTE: Where a [BEEP!] appears, the words spoken by Linus are bleeped out with a tone.
LINUS: Lights please! And there were [BEEP!] abiding in the field, keeping watch over their [BEEP!] by night. And lo, an [BEEP!] of the [BEEP!] appeared before them, and they were [BEEP!] afraid. But the [BEEP!] said unto them, "[BEEP!], for [BEEP!], I bring you [BEEP!] of [BEEP!] which will be for [BEEP!]. For unto you is born this day in the city of [BEEP!], a [BEEP!], [BEEP!] the [BEEP!]. And this will be a sign to you: you shall find the [BEEP!] wrapped in [BEEP!] lying in a [BEEP!]." Suddenly, a whole [BEEP!] of [BEEP!] appeared, singing, "[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]."
Spotlight/Video off.
BRAD: Well?
GLENDA: That was... interesting.
GREG: Can't they just pull it from the lineup?
MAURY: They're already advertising the special. It's a classic.
GLENDA: A classic case of offensiveness.
BRAD: Might as well dust off the old resume.
GREG: No! Wait a minute! We can fix this. Instead of all those bleeps, we'll overdub new dialogue that will neutralize the scene. We can save the show.
MAURY: You think so?
GREG: Let's try it. Johnny? Play back!
Spotlight/Video on. This time, Linus is muted and Greg fills in the blanks.
LINUS: Lights please! And there were
GREG: social workers
LINUS: abiding in the field, keeping watch over their
GREG: portfolios
LINUS: by night. And lo, an
GREG: text message
LINUS: of the
GREG: lowest priority
LINUS: appeared before them, and they were
GREG: focus grouping!
LINUS: But the
GREG: text message
LINUS: said unto them,
GREG: "Heads up,
LINUS: for
GREG: check it
LINUS: I bring you
GREG: insignificant news
LINUS: of
GREG: no consequence
LINUS: which will be for
GREG: no one.
LINUS: For unto you is born this day in the city of
GREG: Vegas
LINUS: a
GREG: baby of no great importance.
LINUS: And this will be a sign to you: you shall find
GREG: nobody
LINUS: wrapped in
GREG: aluminum foil
LINUS: lying in a
GREG: Chevy."
LINUS: Suddenly, a whole
GREG: bunch
LINUS: of
GREG: union workers
LINUS: appeared, singing
GREG: "American wages are
LINUS: highest. Peace
GREG: in the Middle East! And universal healthcare
LINUS: toward men."
Spotlight/Video off.
GREG: Well? What do you think?
GLENDA: We could replace it with a Who's the Boss? rerun.
MAURY: Good call. There's no law against Tony Danza... yet.
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This is good. I have written a screenplay and even, almost, had it made into a movie -- we even had the music and sets and everything, but money fell through. I guess it takes 10's of thousands of dollars to make movies. But, in my eyes i could have done it alot cheaper. Do you write to hopefully get to stage or are you writing to just get a point across because I get what your saying.
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