Christian Living

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Tell me why I am at this place again. Father, if you’re listening, and I am beginning to have my doubts, please tell me why my life is so cyclical. I have tried; I have stopped trying, I have wrestled with you; I have released my grip. What more is there? I thought that with my last valley I was free and clear for quite a while. This one is deeper, dryer, and more invasive than I’m comfortable with, really. I have nothing left to say. I guess I will be down here; waiting.

Mythology used to fascinate me in high school and college. I found it spectacular that the ancient peoples truly believed in gods and goddesses. Even more fascinating was that they had a god for every occasion. These gods were not reliable either; oh no, instead, they were finicky and peculiar. They could change their mind, fight with one another, and just become rather unpleasant.

I find myself wondering how easy or how hard it would be to worship these gods and goddesses. Under slight duress, I found myself watching Troy the other night. Throughout the movie, I wondered two things: why did the men wear such short skirts, and why did they bother to rely on the gods who never seemed to come through?

I remember one scene. The Greeks just finished plundering Apollo’s temple and cutting the head off his massive bronze statue. Predictably, Apollo does nothing about this affront, and the Trojans are left to wonder whom it is they actually worship. I would think that would be a major clue that something is wrong. See, their gods were not like mine. I know my God is patient and is not One to smite every offense, much to my general relief usually. No, their gods were ones that played with lightening bolts and if someone made them mad, they usually knew about it.

So, what was the point in having all these gods? If there was no predictability, why waste the time and effort? Most importantly, if there was no knowledge of reliance upon any of these deities, where did the desire stem from? Oh sure, a desire to explain the ever pressing questions of why and how, but was Zeus and his bunch really the best answer for day-to-day life?

So, after much reflection, I find myself here again. Particulars aside, I let myself down time and time again. I tell God not to waste any more of his time on me because I am a hopeless case. At the very least, I will become like Saul and waste the blessings anyhow by doing things my way. And I start to feel sorry for myself but it occurs to me, with the help of a very good friend, that I have indeed created my own mythology.

In order to clean out some wounds, one must gut them completely and apply some sort of cleanser to the infected area. My friend did some much-needed digging in my life and revealed what she refers to as ‘havens.’ Havens, mythology; same difference.

Let me explain. When I am feeling like the valley is too low, or the problems have just become too much, I have familiar escapes set in place for me to run. One of the escapes is to the refrigerator. It seems innocuous from first glance, a guilty pleasure. But it’s not, if I let it really take a hold, is it? The other two myths I have involve my own head. I like to let my anger and frustration really fester. It becomes so powerful; so addictive. The last myth is my ‘other life’ myth. I can convince myself that if I were to escape this current life, the next one would be so much better. I would make sure that everything was set up perfectly going into it, as to prevent current kinds of crap from entering in.

Are these current myths any different from the ones the ancient Greeks used to hold up? Am I indeed lying to myself; deluding myself into thinking these myths, these havens, hold any truth, any reality? The ancient people used gods to explain their current events, and clung to worshipping them as a way of control. I use my myths as a convoluted way of explaining away my current reality. I escape to them as a form of worship, to bring my sort of control to the situation.

So, thus far I've managed a sad-sounding tone, so here I will to cast off sorrowful veils. Everybody’s life falls to levels that make them uncomfortable. I dare say that what separates them from me is that I have no shame. Or, at least I like to pretend I have no shame. I write about these kinds of issues so you can look at yourself without public inspection.

I really want people to know that becoming a Christian does not make the kinds of valleys I wrote about disappear. In fact, these valleys make me stronger by revealing myths that I need to vanquish. That’s why I wrote this story. Two things bother me: pre-Christians tend to think we are supposed to be perfect, and Christians hesitate to talk about the really hard stuff. It’s easier for all of us to say everything’s fine, isn’t it?

Ok, so back to the story. I’m in the valley, waiting desperately to be pulled out. I am running for my myths for comfort and security. If I’m smart, I’m reading the Bible and praying. If I’m not, then I’m feeling sorry for myself and delving even deeper in my mythical havens. More often than not, I opt for the latter.

But I ask again- Does Jesus have any opinion on this? Does the Bible offer any respite from the valley?

He promises that we are protected through the valley:
“Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!’” Jesus in Luke 17.1-2

He promises us that the valleys are worth it!
"If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” Jesus in Matthew 10.38-39

He promises that we are definitely not alone in the valley:
“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat, I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.” Jesus in Matthew 16.24-25

I’m going to let Paul have the final word tonight. He is talking here about the thorn he had. To put into context: Paul’s job was to preach God’s word to the Gentiles. He is talking about the wonderful visions and revelations of heaven and such that God gave him and here is what he says:

“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” Paul in 2 Corinthians 12.7-10

Can I say what Paul said through my valleys? Can I remove the myths and ‘just let Christ take over?’ Paul was not a superhero; he was a man who had his eyes on the only true prize, Jesus. Rather than escaping as I try to do, he kept his eyes focused on the reality of the sufficiency of Christ. He embraced the thorn, actually believing that it was a gift to keep him grounded and focused on Christ rather than himself.

Oh Father, thank you for always telling the truth. Thank you for not always answering prayer the way I would have you answer it. Thank you for the trials and temptations in my life that make me a better person for you. Jesus, we would be so lost without you. No matter what I may think, you are my strength, my reliance. Thank you most of all for being so much more than a myth.

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