Short Stories
Kate’s Outdoor Banquet
By Sherry L. Stoll
“Kate, you’re being a prickly pear.” Jonathan peered at her over his morning paper.
“I absolutely am not!” Kate fussed from the kitchen counter.
“Dear, I don’t think most people think of a barbeque as a formal dining experience.”
“Jonathan, people of our social standing have an obligation to set standards. Besides, it’s not a barbeque. It’s an outdoor banquet.”
“Kate, do I need to remind you that we’re farmers?”
“That sounds so common, Jonathan. You know I prefer agrarians. We have the finest soil in the county. I consider it my duty to entertain those less fortunate than us with the utmost style and grace.”
“But, Kate, do we need seating charts, tents, crystal, china, linen tablecloths and napkins? It’s a barbeque. Can’t we just have picnic tables and paper plates? You’re going overboard.”
“I will not budge! This will be the social event of the century in Brine County. No one shall ever surpass me. Are the grounds prepared for the arrival of the canopies?
“Yes, the yard has been mowed and is ready for the tents.”
“Oh, Jonathan, can’t you be more respectful of your social standing?”
Jonathan rolled his eyes as he left Kate talking to herself at the kitchen counter. He had chores to do. His batty wife wanted him to wash and wax the tractors. “Everything must shine,” she had said. He rued the day that he volunteered to host the Brine County Hybrid Seeds annual customer appreciation barbeque. Kate had a tendency to go hog wild. She was topping herself this time. At least she had agreed, after a lengthy discussion to serve beef and pork from their own stock. He hadn’t been able to talk her out of the shrimp cocktail and champagne. He prayed she didn’t ask people to take off their shoes before entering the tent.
Kate was so excited about hosting the most premier outdoor banquet Brine County has ever seen. She had thrown dinner parties in the past. But, this truly pushed her to the top of the social ladder. Not that she wasn’t already there, course. She ignored Jonathan’s grumblings and spared no expense. She had decided not to use local caterers. They were too common. There would be no coleslaw or baked beans at her outdoor banquet. Her caterers were coming in from the nearest major metropolitan area, about 150 miles away. It was bad enough that she had agreed to serve pork and beef.
Kate peered out the window and gasped. Russell’s Tent and Awning had arrived to set up her “canopies”. Bursting from the house she screamed, “Stop!” Bob Russell greeted her, “Good morning, Kate.” Kate didn’t acknowledge his greeting. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Well, Kate, I’m putting up the tents for your barbeque tomorrow.”
“This isn’t right. I specifically ordered purple canopies with gold piping for the Brine County Hybrid Seeds Outdoor Banquet. The decor and lighting depend upon it. Red and white stripes will not do. I will not have my guests thinking they are attending a circus.” Kate glared at Bob Russell thinking it was a big mistake to hire a local contractor for something this important.
Bob Russell just smiled back at her. “You’ll remember, Kate. I said I would see what I could do when you asked for a purple tent with gold piping. I told you I couldn’t make any promises. Besides, I saw Jonathan at the coffee shop last week and he said just to come as close to the colors as I could. This is it.”
Kate spun around on her heels leaving Bob Russell shaking his head. In her fury, she knocked over one of her wrought iron patio chairs which caused a chain reaction that resulted in breaking the glass top of the patio table. “Perfect,” she said.
Throwing her hands in the air, she entered the house at top speed. Reaching for her two-way radio, she spilled the creamer she had been in the process of putting away when she had spotted Bob Russell. With a dishcloth in one hand and the two-way in the other, she summoned Jonathan to the house.
“Jonathan Dirtwater, I must speak to you this instant!”
He rolled his eyes as he answered her on his radio. “What is it, Kate?”
“You must come to the house now!”
“I’m busy, Kate.”
“Now!” She spoke through clenched teeth.
“Kate, I’m knee deep in manure out in the red barn. Do you want that tracked in the house?”
“But, I need to speak to you.”
“Woman, either tell me over the radio or else come out here.” Jonathan was getting increasingly irritated.
Kate flung open the back door, carefully stepping through the broken glass of the patio table. She stomped toward the red barn. She wasn’t about to discuss her private affairs over the public domain of a two-way radio. It was so common. Why did Jonathan have to be so disrespectful of his social standing?
As the smell of cattle manure stung her nostrils, Kate staggered. Jonathan was busy with a pitchfork cleaning the stalls. Kate said, “I thought you were going to hire someone to do this for you. It’s so beneath you Jonathan.”
Jonathan just ignored it as he thought to himself that Kate was certifiable. In slow, accentuated words he said, “What in high heaven do you want from me, Kate?”
“I don’t believe I like your tone.”
“Well, I don’t like yours either.”
Kate stared at him blankly. It wasn’t like Jonathan to sass at her. She wasn’t watching where she was stepping and squarely placed here pristine white sneakers deep into a fresh cow pie. She acted as if she were about to faint. “This wouldn’t have happened if you had come to the house, Jonathan.” Kate was beginning to whine. She knew she always got her way when she whined.
“Oh, Kate, what is it for crying out loud?”
“You were at the coffee shop.” she stated flatly.
He was shocked that she knew. “What do you mean?”
“Bob Russell told me. He’s erecting canopies that are red and whit striped instead of purple with gold piping. He said you told him to come as close to specified color scheme as possible -- at the coffee shop.”
“We may have had that conversation.”
“At the coffee shop.” Kate was tapping her manure covered toes.
“Yes, at the coffee shop.”
“You promised me, Jonathan.”
“Yes, I did.”
“I feel so betrayed.” Kate feigned tears as she produced a lace edged handkerchief.
“It’s only coffee and visiting, Kate.”
“Jonathan, what about our social standing? You can’t be associating yourself with people not befitting of your class.”
“And what class would that be, Kate? We’re farmers. Pure and simple. We all put our pant on one leg at a time.”
“Agrarians.”
“Whatever. They are the same people you had all those invitations hand delivered to. What’s the difference?”
“I only do it out of my duty as your wife and as a leader in bringing culture to the community.”
“Kate, I think I liked you better before we had money. What happened to the easygoing country girl that I married 30 years ago? We had fun when we were Katie and Johnny, the dirt poor Dirtwaters.”
Kate smiled and patted Jonathan on the arm. “A little refinement never hurt anyone, Dear.”
She dropped her shoes into the wastebasket as she entered the house, convincing herself that Jonathan was just in a mood. She spent the rest of the day dispensing last minute instructions to the caterers, decorators, and event planners.
Kate went to bed feeling satisfied that the Brine County Hybrid Seeds Outdoor Banquet would be a smashing success.
The next morning met her greatest expectations. It wasn’t too hot or too cool. A full day of events had been planned. There would be a tour to show off their grounds, speakers, and a fabulous meal. Kate was positively beaming.
“See what superior planning can do for you, Jonathan?” Kate was so pleased that the valet parking service had arrived early in their purple vests. If only the canopies had met the color scheme.
Jonathan was just as glad this day was finally here and they could get it over with. Kate was driving him nuts. He headed out to conduct to “tour of the grounds” or farm tour, as he preferred to call it. First he would showcase the row crops planted in Brine County Hybrid Seed products and then move on to the livestock.
Kate was a little disappointed that her guests were showing up in blue jeans and shorts. She knew she should have specified proper attire on the invitations.
Everything was going splendidly. Kate knew she would be cemented at the queen of all social gatherings in Brine County from now on. She would become legend.
Jonathan was actually enjoying himself, too. He loved visiting with the other area farmers. He was starting to relax. But, he just couldn’t remember if had latched the gate at the farrowing house during the farm tour. The groups have been discussing diversifying their production and he just wasn’t sure about the latch.
Just then, he heard a pig squeal. Kate shot him a look. It was too late. The pigs were out and the dogs were running them straight for the tent. Mayhem ensued.
Pigs and people ran in all directions. Tables crashed. Guests were scattered. Kate was seen riding a sow throughout the maze of upended tables in the tent. Jonathan found her sprawled in a pool of punch with the punch bowl over her head.
Jonathan laughed until he cried.
Kate’s face softened. “Help me up, Johnnie.”
“Anything for you, my darling, Katie.”
They shared an embrace as Kate said, “Welcome to my barbeque.”
Copyright 2003 by Sherry L. Stoll
Author’s Bio:
Sherry L. Stoll is a freelance writer, poet and greeting card verse writer in addition to reviewing books for http://www.WomenOnWriting.com. She was the managing editor at the former site http://www.HerbalOrganic.com and was a regular contributing editor for the Energetic Remedies topic at http://www.Suite101.com . Her essay, “Seduction By Poetry” , a story about how she wooed her husband with original cowboy poetry, was included in the March 2003 release of HOPE: TRUE STORIES OF ANSWERED PRAYERS, part of the VIRTUOUS VICTORIOUS series by Red Rock Press. She was the recipient of the 2001 President’s Award of Literary Excellence from Illiad Press and The National Authors Registry for the poem, “Full Moon.“ She lives on a farm near Maryville, Missouri with her husband. She may be reached at [email protected].
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Wish there was a "6" on the rating scale. This was delightful in every way. What a wonderful way to start my day. With love, Deb
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