Humor

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It was very lean times back in the antediluvian days, especially when it came to keeping track of birthdays. Actually, the first one has only been speculated upon, at best. The account goes something like this that after Adam was created, he looked over to his right and there was a cupcake with a candle burning on top of it. Of course, God already knew that Adam would ask what it was, so He was prepared with an answer. “It’s a birthday cake, but don’t ask me to explain it, just eat it.’ Of course, in those days, Adam was obedient. The serpent didn’t want to bother tempting Adam to not eat it because, frankly, the cupcake smelled so good that he wanted to eat it too, so, he couldn’t tempt Adam himself, at least not with a straight face, so he just watched Adam eat the whole thing.

Of course, this made the serpent very wroth, indeed, he had noted that he never got a cupcake when he was created and talked to God about that. “How come when I was created, you never gave me a birthday cake? It is not fair.’ God could have given him dismissed him, but instead he answered, ‘Angel food cake, perhaps, Satan?’ ‘Very funny’, Satan said, ‘but seriously, why not?’ ‘Well,’ God said, ‘do you realize how many candles that would take since I created all of you angels at the same time?’

‘Nothing is too hard for you God, you can do all things’, Satan replied back.

‘Well, it’s too bad you didn’t realize that when you were thinking about rebelling against me then’ God said and the conversation was over. However, Satan plotted to see to it that Adam would not have any more birthday cakes.

Since God did not hold Adam to having birthday cakes for others, the tradition dropped until Adams’ grandson Bob, Seth’s son, was born. This happened when Adam was about 700 years old. Back then senility wasn’t too widespread, in fact, Adam was a sharp as a tack and had been so moved emotionally by the birth of Bob, that he remembered the birthday cake that he had so long ago. ‘It’s too bad God did not give me a recipe for cupcakes because I really think it would be nice’.

Of course, Satan has a long memory too, and was there when Adam prayed to God for the cupcake recipe, all the while planning to hatch his scheme. God answered that prayer, but gave Eve the recipe instead and this turned out to be the beginning of the tradition that women do more cooking than men because up until that time, they had basically shared that responsibility, which controverts what evolutionists have been saying about the societal functions of the caveman and cavewoman.

‘Well, Adam’, she said, ‘since I have the recipe, you are going to have to find some milk and eggs, ok?’

‘So, when am I supposed to mow?’ Adam said back.

‘I do not know, but if you want your Grandson to have a birthday cake, you’d better get moving’, she said.

‘What about candles?’ he asked.

‘What are candles?’ Eve asked back.

‘Never mind’ Adam said, ‘I will get some, then you’ll see’ and off he went.

Adam came back with everything eventually, and brought back a single candle. Then he called all his family together and said, ‘Dear ones, Grandma Eve and I are very proud of our new Grandson Bob and we would like to present him with this birthday cake’ and at that Adam produced the second birthday cake ever. Everyone had a very small piece of it and then one of Adam’s cousins said (we don’t know where this side of the family comes from) ‘You know, Adam, I think for Bob’s second birthday we will need two candles and a much bigger cake if you catch my drift.’

Well, from then on, year after year, birthday cakes got bigger and bigger and hence, the need for more candles. Soon, gifts were given along with birthday cakes as well (icing wasn’t around in those days either) and every time a child had a birthday, out popped a birthday cake with candles and some presents. The problem was people were children at the age of 120 so you can see the developing problems.

Incidentally, history shows the breeding of chickens and cows for the express purpose of supplying ingredients for birthday cakes and only later do we find more uses for these animals.

Anyway, the Flood account, which was later retold by Moses because he thought that no one would ever believe the birthday cake story, was on account of the final birthday party for Methuselah, who was turning 969 years old. After gathering all the candles in the then known world, Methuselah’s mommy, 1326 herself and very shaky, made a birthday cake to about what seemed the size of Texas. The birthday cake was so big that they had to put walking aisles in it the way you do in between rows of corn, so that the candles could be lit-they hadn’t even worked out how long it would take to blow the candles out. They put a very large tent over it as Methuselah would have noticed it and blown the surprise.

One of Methuselah’s distant relatives tricked him into entering the tent telling him that his grandson Noah was soon to be coming back from his maiden voyage in his floating zoo that he thought would bring in some extra cash. Well, Methuselah bought it hook, line and sinker and entered the tent- a roar of ‘Happy Birthday, Methuselah many more!’ It’s a good thing Methuselah was a little hard of hearing because all those people shouting happy birthday made quite a ruckus.

Anyway, Satan caused Methuselah’s mommy to poke him in the side and say, ‘Go. Blow out the candles and make a wish’. So, Methuselah climbed up this step ladder to get high enough to blow out all 969 candles, but he blew so hard that the lower part of the tent caught fire and it spread into the surrounding homes and out into the forest. Soon everything was on fire and Methuselah was so overcome with grief that he died. Nearly everything was burning so God decided to send rain, but I guess he overdid it and the next thing you know, the whole world was flooded. The only people to escape were Noah, his seven relatives and all those animals who were on that floating zoo.

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