Marriage

Submissiveness in Marriage

by John Clark 
04/22/23
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A marriage begins with the wedding vows. There is a phrase in the vows that says, "to love and to cherish." Much is said about the love part, but there is hardly any mention of cherishing. Cherish is defined as holding something dear. It means to value something, to protect and care for. In the case of marriage, that "something" is the relationship between husband and wife. In general, the Bible teaches that the husband is to love his wife as "Christ loves the Church"(Ephesians 5:25), which can be interpreted to mean in an unconditional and sacrificial way, and the wife is to be in submission to her husband. (Ephesians 5:22&24, Colossians 3:18, and First Peter 3:1). In addition, there is a stern warning given to the man in Colossians 3:19. "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." 
     Let me back up to the First Peter passage before going any further. It is in the context of being married to an unbelieving husband. Here the word "submit" has more to do with having a "gentle and quiet spirit" that can draw the husband toward God. It is much better, though, to not marry an unbeliever in the first place as stated in Second Corinthians 6:14, to "not be unequally yoked together." Here is a picture of cattle or horses pulling together. A believer and an unbeliver could be pulling in two different directions instead of working together in harmony. That does not mean that marriages between two believers do not have problems. The point, however, is that submission in First Peter has a different meaning. 
     The husband needs to take the lead in a properly functioning marriage. This does not mean the wife is of lesser value, but that the woman compliments the man. In Genesis 2:18 we read that God created the woman to be a "suitable helper for man." This implies that the man should take the lead. The question, then, is how is the woman a suitable helper for man? 
     Men and women use different sides of their brains more than the other. Men use the left side more, which deals with logic, reasoning, and problem solving. Women use predominately the right side, which includes language, creativity, facial expression, and emotions. So, women provide a good balance to the man when it comes to making decisions, or discussing situations. The husband would be wise to balance out his logic and reasoning by asking the wife how she feels about it. 
     If the husband is loving and cherishing the wife, loving her in an unconditional and sacrificial way, and being sensitive to her emotions, to the best of his ability, why would a wife not want to submit to him? Submitting in this context is not a "yes sir, no sir" kind of thing. It is not always going along with the man's desires. It does not mean the man makes all the decisions. There would be a willingness of the wife to let the husband take the lead because she knows he has her best interests and emotions in mind. He is loving and cherishing her. Proverbs 31:10-11 says, "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain."