Humor

The Gratiest Writer, Yours Truly

by Jim Newton 
02/17/22
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     The fiction Christian military suspense novel, Short in Height, Tall in Courage, the story of God's African Special Forces Unit, that I have recently completed is 90,002 words (accuracy is demanded). I will not tell you how much love and care I put into each word or tell you how I sweated and fretted over each word. I will tell you that you should never write a novel or any other book expecting to become fabulously wealthy or to expect everyone to see it as the most remarkable novel ever. You should expect to spend many hours and many dollars while, most likely, never recovering any of that investment in time and money. You will suffer great anxiety waiting weeks or months to hear "no." The initial enthusiasm will melt into a puddle on some editor's desk. That editor may shove your sweat and investment into a 55-gallon garbage bag at some point to catch up for Monday morning. If you didn't pay the $10,000 plus to have your book edited professionally, arrivederci. If not burned during the office party, your query letter will wind up in a quarry. If you did not spend time and money at a regional writer's convention and introduce yourself to an agent or publishing house editor, hasta la vista bambino.

     But...a big but! Your book may just rumble past an editor at just the moment he or she found out they paid the last payment on their car's ten-year note, or the literary agent just hung up talking to a publisher asking for a book just like yours by a first-time author like yourself. Don't give up, but don't lose your sense of humor either. Remember, those agents and editors have feelings, too. They get impatient, angry, and ulcers from books not breaking even. 

     Before you put the proposal or query letter in the mailbox, buy a big bottle of Tums. Pour half the bottle into the mailer for the editors, and keep the other half for yourself for the trying days ahead. Most of all, be prayed up before you even write the book, but, at least, before you mail it. Remember, nothing is impossible for God, but don't take advantage of him by writing un-Christian garbage. Keep in mind that Christian writing means no explicit sex, violence, or cursing. In other words, do not write something similar to Carnal Knowledge and call it Christian scholastic theology.

     Over the centuries, many men have set out to rule the world. They had initial success but had no game plan to finish and consolidate their gains into lasting and workable entities to build future victories. Even Alexander the Great, in my thinking, fell far short as to a game plan.

     Develop your game plan in advance of publishing. Pray for the courage to cold-call radio stations, book chains, local bookstores, and blast the social media with your face and words. 

     The last seven years, it has been so difficult for me to sit quietly by as the Nobel Prize for Literature is handed to my competition, or else they misspelled my name. Write to your talents. Winston Churchill would not have been successful in writing Tips to Successful Peace Protesting or Auto Mechanics for Liberals.

     One cold winter's day, I walked alone while deep in thought about the day's problems. I fell, breaking my leg and arm. Add to that, the ambulance arrived on the now dark road and ran over me. The police were right behind them. The policemen jumped out of the car, firing at what they thought was the burglar, who the 911 operator thought was the other reason for the call due to his sneezing partway through. The neighbor wasn't wounded fatally, but his new toupee' was a total loss. Good night.

     Write because you love it, and you'll never be a failure. Love you all!