In The News

Oregon to Implement Hold Your Breath Mandate in New Effort to Fight COVID

by Andrew Tuttle
12/09/21
For Sale
Author requests article critique

  Message Writer
  Hire Writer

Tweet

The following is a piece of satire in similar vein as The Babylon Bee and The Onion. The mandate is not true, and all quotes are made up, but in today’s world it’s not too farfetched, is it?

The State of Oregon plans to enact a “hold your breath” mandate to help curb the coronavirus and related variants.

Gov. Kate Brown held a process conference Thursday announcing the new initiative requiring Oregonians to “hold their breath” when passing by others while indoors and “if you feel like it” when crossing paths outdoors.

“We think the next best effort to combat the threat of coronavirus is for Oregonians to hold their breath when passing by others or coming alongside people when indoors,” Brown, a democrat said. “Along with masks, holding your breath fully prevents you from expelling the virus when others are near.”

The Oregon Health Authority recently announced an effort to make the indoor mask mandate permanent in the state and said the “hold your breath” mandate would very likely end the pandemic in Oregon. A spokesperson with the OHA said holding your breath is the latest and boldest attempt at fighting back against the pandemic as it fully contains any virus particles masks don’t stop.

“We predict other states to follow our lead,” said Brown, who was widely ridiculed last year for waiting on a pandemic action plan until California Gov. Gavin Newsom and/or Washington Gov. Jay Inslee made statements of their own. She routinely enacted similar if not the exact same steps within 48 hours.

Brown, who self-identifies as a member of the LGBTQ community after a drunken make-out session with a college co-ed in the 1980s, was recently seen maskless and openly breathing at the LGBTQ Victory Fund gala in Washington D.C. where she was the “featured guest.” Her husband of nearly 25 years was not seen. Brown encouraged all Oregonians to begin breathing exercises at home to successfully comply with the mandate.

“The mandate requires holding your breath while passing one, two, five, seven people,” Brown said. “Therefore, while grocery shopping you must hold your breath in the aisles for however many people are present.”

Brown demonstrated the “Hold Your Breath” mandate by walking a short length then desperately sucked in air only to have her mask obstruct the life-saving oxygen. She violently ripped off her mask, nearly heaving as she gasped for breath and admitted she had some work to do.

Those eating at restaurants would have to hold their breath until seated at which time they could breathe normally and remove their masks to eat and drink. Restaurant owners will need to figure out how to get staff to hold their breath when taking orders and bringing food to tables.  

The mandate was received by some as more government overreach but fully embraced by others. In downtown Portland, residents and visitors indicated they already hold their breath, outside anyway.

“Portland stinks,” said 20-year resident Amber Crawly. “I’m not saying that figuratively. It literally smells like urine and feces because of all the homeless. I hold my breath all the time.”

Outside Portland was a different story.

“Hold your breath mandate?” said Rex Sohegan of Canby, a growing suburb about 25 miles south of Portland. “Has she (Brown) gone mad? I’m not holding my breath for anybody.”

Oregon’s “Hold Your Breath” mandate is effective immediately and residents who catch others breathing near them are encouraged to call law enforcement. First time violators of the “Hold Your Breath” mandate can expect hefty fines and repeat offenders face lengthy prison sentences.