Testimonies

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I find that more often than not I am a disappointment to God.

I mean he has called me out of the world to embrace the person and destiny for which He made me, a prophetic writer of His words, visions, and dreams to His people. He has given me a flaming pen for a sword, and for a shield and armor, He has given me a keen intellect, a clean and pure heart, a snarky1 disposition, and the same authority and power Jesus gave to His original twelve disciples. And He, God, has assured me over and over again that a room is being prepared for me in His house, that His promises to take care of all my needs are true. All I have to do is step out, in faith, and into the place and person He has made for me.

And yet for one reason or another, mostly a fear of rejection, I find myself taking the call that God has put on my life or using the gifts he has given me using them in a half-ass way, self-serving way. Rather than spilling the most intimate and messy details of my life and walk with Jesus or speaking clearly the words, visions, and dreams that God has given me, I find that I dumb things down or soften the edges so the word will be more acceptable or more “religiously correct” or so people won’t hate me for saying them.

In essences I take the extraordinary that God has given me and make it ordinary.

I trade flaming words of truth and passion that inspire revolution for mundane words that promote the status quo. And end up with: a pile of feel good comments by “religious” folks, and God pissed off at me.

The better question is what does God end up with: unfed sheep, frustration, and a need to discipline one of his beloved children.

I look around at the people I have been called to feed - to encourage, correct, inspirer, and love - and I see them starving because I took the hearty and filling multi-grain bread of Life that God gave me to pass out and I traded it for the limp and nutrition-less white bread of dead the world peddles.

And in the end, I feel guilty, make up excuses, and try to hide from God. I do take some comfort in the fact that God would not be angry with me, if he didn’t care about me. And that he knows what is best for me and that is all he really wants in my life. But it is a thin comfort and it doesn’t change the fact that he is angry with me, and that I have disappointed him.

I can just see him in heaven. Throwing his hands up and asking, "What is it going to take for Taylor to trust me and step into the destiny I have for him?"


I can imagine his frustration, because I am equally frustrated with myself, at my half-assed behavior.


I sit in front of my computer writing this on the edge of tears, saddened by my disobedience to God. Saddened by the fact that there are that many more lost and confused people in the world because I didn’t do or say what I need to say. Saddened by that fact that I can just died to myself – get myself out of the way – and do what God has asked me to do. Saddened as I consider the blessing that I am missing out on and I am blocking other’s from receiving.

Yet, I fear that if I really do let go of myself that there really is nothing at the center. That I am just an empty husk of a person with no soul and no worth; that I am nothing. I know deep down that is not true. I know deep down I am a beloved child of God whom he has chosen to be a part of the work of spreading his kingdom. But I am afraid embrace that truth.

I am tired of living with one foot in the world and one in God’s Kingdom.


Oh God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit, today I renounce my place in the world and I renounce myself. I stand before you naked and empty. All I want in life is you, and by your grace and with your help today and each day going forward, I will only live for you. I know I can’t do this alone or on my own. I need you to help me, guide me, break me, mold me, to build my faith and trust, and rebuild me more than ever before. Help me Jesus. I love you! Thank you.

God, I want to be in the only place where I am truly blessed, and that place is in the person and destiny you made for me. Thank you for calling me. Amen.


Footnotes:

1. Snarky is an adjective that describes a witty mannerism, personality, or behavior that is a combination of sarcasm and cynicism. Usually accepted as a complimentary term. Snark is sometimes mistaken for a snotty or arrogant attitude. – source UrbanDictionary.com

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