Short Stories

GARY LEE MILTON TAKES A DOG

by Jim Newton 
11/05/20
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     This story is stress relief. There are times when you need that stress relief in life to write without fear of protocol, to write for pure pleasure, and do not worry about sense, senselessness, or sensibility. Take the words as they flow from your mind.

     Dogs? No sir, not my cup-of-tea. My friends, family, and nosey strangers told me to get a dog to relieve the loneliness and stress of being a bachelor at such an advanced age, thirty-two. Gee, thanks for the compliment. I rejected all their insane offers of free dogs. Some people even had the nerve to leave dogs unannounced and tethered to my front door. In my own way, I politely told them that I would rather hit my big toe with a hammer than to have a dog. I became a vile animal-abuser in some people's eyes due to my snide remarks and rejection of pet ownership. I had no animals, didn't want any animals. I became very bothered and quite obnoxious to people when they brought up the "pet question." They became just as obnoxious back to me. PETA even paid a visit to my home one evening - with three police officers in tow. I explained to them that I owned no pets. Their answer was, "Well, Mr. Kraft, how did you dispose of the abused creatures?" It took no little effort to dispose of PETA and the chuckling Policemen.

     Finally, I reached the limit of my tolerance. My neighbor and best friend, Randy T. Tandy, told me to go to the animal shelter and get the biggest, meanest dog in there. Randy looks as though he had fallen asleep on a park bench, and someone had graffitied him from head to toe. He has lived next door for four years and had three wives in the interim. He mentioned recently his plans to marry his new sweetheart. Oh, boy, how I need to get Randy to church, but he has this ludicrous fear of losing his independence and reputation by joining a church.  I decided, we'll work on it. Some of his replies leave me speechless and wondering. I told him that I wasn't coming to biker night with him at that sports bar anymore if he didn't come to church with me. He laughed and said, "Gary Lee Milton, If you didn't wear that suit and tie and drink sweet tea, you might make some friends there. But you don't have a motorcycle. So, I guess it doesn't matter."

     The next day, I walked out of the animal shelter with a spayed Rottweiler and a paper I had been coerced into signing promising to love and care for this dog with my very life if necessary. I threw the paper in the trash as I walked by. Dog ownership had begun.

     I immediately accomplished some of my dog ownership goals. On my daily walks in the park, people with pets gave me all the room on the walking path I had ever desired. This huge, slobbering behemoth cleared the path with his looks. The panic on people's faces was worth the hassle of putting up with this dog. Whenever a friend came by with their pet to see my new dog that I had described on the phone as being what I thought was a chihuahua. They never brought their pets to visit again. Rarely was a dog eaten - not even for a snack.

     Randy Tandy, dropped by one evening to borrow something as was his usual. "Gary Lee, that dog is taking over your house. Why do you let him sleep on the couch? If he gets fleas, they'll be all over that couch. Gary Lee, let me give you some advice about pet ownership. keep them tied up in the back yard. That mutt will be sleeping in your bed before you know it. Oh, he already is. It's your life, but it's my neighborhood - too."

     "That doesn't make sense, Randy - sorry, Tandy."

     "Well, if I had wanted it to make sense, I would have changed the words."

     The slobber kept my pillows soaked. I had no clue how to housebreak a dog. Overfeeding him came easy. Soon, he was too fat and lazy to chase or simply to scare other dogs with his fading-fierce looks. Randy Tandy said he looks like an over-stuffed black and tan beanbag.

     Soon, even my Mother and Father quit visiting me. They said that evil dog won't let us sit on the couch or any other comfortable furniture, and your house smells like dog poop and urine. "And whose idea was the dog, Mother, dear?"

     I spent thousands of dollars hiring someone to housebreak that dog, re-carpet my house, buy new furniture, new sheets, and new pillowcases, and a doggie-dietician to help my dog lose weight. After all that, I ended up giving the dog away to my neighbor, Randy Tandy. He thanked me for the first-class trained and slimmed-down dog. Randy Tandy told me the dog would help him make better marriage decisions with his fierce looks. That still remains to be seen as Randy Tandy is contemplating number five.

     My family and friends never bring up pet ownership anymore. I like it that way. However, they are bringing all these strange women to my house and inviting them to get-togethers that I happen to be attending. I couldn't handle dog ownership. How am I supposed to handle marriage? God, you said there would be trials and tribulations, but you never said they would all come from family and friends.