Fiction

FIRST EVER CHURCH IN HELL: KING LUCIFER ALLOTS LAND AND FACILTIES

by P Koshy
12/06/19
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Last month, the Reformed World Church (RWC) opened its first ever parish in Hell, setting a records of sorts. It is for the first time that any Church in the world accepted Hell’s special offer scheme and opened a center there. In an extraordinary gesture, King Lucifer graciously offered and promised more land, if need be, and allotted additional space along with premium entertainment platforms, for fun and to chill out.

 These special entertainment platforms, known as CHILL-OUT BARS, currently few in number, are meant for visiting leaders and dignitaries of the Reformed World Church. These bars have facilities for celibate professionals of RWC to relax, have fun and find some quiet time for a few times  every year.

 Media and social media were filled with stories about this new development. Particularly because the church and Hell are traditionally considered to be rivals, spying on each other, building weapons to destroy each other and looking for ways to undermine each other’s clout.

 To coincide with the inauguration and consecration of the newly created church building, the supreme commander of RWC, along with his handpicked bishops, visited Hell. King Lucifer went personally and received them. Following this, there was a majestic reception and public meeting, during which both the King and the Supreme Commander of RWC addressed the gathering.

 The King while addressing the public meeting congratulated the commander for accepting his offer and setting up a parish in Hell. “Millions of men and women will get an opportunity to practice Christianity in a different manner”, King Lucifer said.

 During the visit, eight memoranda of understanding (MoUs) were signed, signaling deeper partnership and cooperation between the church and hell. With the new MoUs, for the first time, RWCs across the earth are being opened up for the high priests of King Lucifer in all matters of common interest. Also, special invitees from Hell’s supreme council will be allowed to attend Church General Body meetings each year. More details and the full text of each MoUs are expected to be uploaded in the websites of both Hell and RWC in the coming weeks. 

 There was a round-table discussion on faith, spirituality and divinity, which was attended by leading scholars and theologians from both sides. Various issues of faith and theology were discussed, among other topics on the agenda.

 During the discussion, both the Supreme Commander and King Lucifer agreed to share information, data and best practices with regard to managing faith workers, speakers, influencers, the priests and high-priests from both sides.

 Aspects such as how to tackle deception, dissenting voices, rebel activities and sharing information and data on such activities, too, came up during the round table discussion. The Supreme Commander expressed fears about such activities and the influence of a certain senior bishop, for which King Lucifer offered all support.

 Yet another issue raised during the round table was the rights of gays and lesbians.  King Lucifer offered all cooperation on this matter and promised to share best practices being followed in Hell since time immemorial. While participating in a discussion on families and marriages, King Lucifer condemned and questioned all such traditional institutions. From the church side, Director of Faith and Theological Commission, Rev. Fr. Dr. Prof. Christian Thomas, refused to comment and said, “our theological position is not evolved on it”.  

 In honour of the visiting RWA delegation led by its supreme commander, King Lucifer threw a party from 6 pm Saturday till morning 8 am Sunday. Invitees included people from all walks of life. Episcopes (bishops) and high priests of King Lucifer danced as the Supreme Commander and the King of Hell watched. 

 Supreme Commander observed that it’s important for everyone to chill out. Church administration has been quite stressful. Managing a church involves a lot of petty quarrels and attending every day matters though enjoyable, has been quite exhausting and stressful for anyone. It needs lots of energy.

 “Chill-out bars for our church administrators and dignitaries will go a long way in helping the much needed nerve and muscle relaxation, though it’s just four to five times in a year” quipped a bishop who refused to reveal his identity. He said, “Revealing his identity can be disastrous as orthodox and traditional minded members can cause trouble when I reach my diocese”. 

 Another bishop said, we have no families,  we are all Sanyasis of eastern tradition, often it’s  quite difficult to chill out in that tradition, as our Church practices  demands simple monastery kind of living in an ashram. Living with little facilities and practicing celibacy and leading a life without much needs is quite difficult today for bishops.

 Therefore, “such fun-filled occasions are needed for us too”.

 We are personally indebted to King Lucifer, another church administrator said.

 An accompanying delegate, a senior political leader, noted that times are changing. Churches too should change and transform. Their outlook needs to be fresh. So, why not some fun and  entertainment? He asked. There is nothing wrong as long as everything is within limits.’ 

 On the occasion, the King presented the Supreme Commander with the most expensive luxury car.  Other accompanying guests, the bishops too, were gifted with smaller SUVs.

 However, a bishop said, seeking anonymity: “It is unfair to give gifts of different value to spiritual leaders. “The Supreme Commander and I are of the same caliber, power and authority, I should also have got the same luxury car. But for the moment, I will not comment anything in public, this will be discussed in our next meeting, which will commence immediately after we reach.”

 General secretary of Global Church Council, world’s largest ecumenical body,  said “setting up a parish in hell is an innovative move  and will open our minds for creativity and can contribute in transforming Hell”. He congratulated RWC commander.

 (P. Koshy