Testimonies

How I met God

by Adriaan Beeslaar
08/15/16
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Growing up without guidance, a slave to rejection I had no one to talk to, I didn’t have a hand reaching out, picking me up from the ground after the world knocked me down. I lived by the fixed thought that it’s everyone for themselves.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, which made it difficult for me to hold a job or have healthy relationships with people in my life. Stress and depression took hold of me, luckily I had a girlfriend somehow. She became my escape, my happy place for a while. When my life was falling apart she was the glue keeping it together. One night in 2013 I just dropped her off after a date and on the way back she texted me we should break up. Not being able to afford the medication I couldn’t deal with my emotions and I drove as fast as my car could go, right into a trench. With the thought of killing myself.

I woke up to a flashing red light as I laid in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My mother sitting over me, crying and broken.  After two days in the hospital, a detective came to ask about the accident and he said I was going so fast that I ramped over most of the trench and that saved my life.

Confused I kept thinking how can I be alive, speed kills and this time it was speeding that kept me alive. I told everyone it was an accident, I was the only one that knew the real reason behind my crash. Months passed and in a way things just got worse, I had no money, no happy place and no dream in life. Honestly, I felt like I wasn’t meant to be here. I felt like I’m taking up space. I started to look for acceptance and closure in night clubs and bars. Being drunk and fighting random people was how I tried filling the void in me.

In 2015 I was down and out, I was in the lowest place of my life. Everyone had given up on me, thinking I’m a lost cause. And in the pain and darkness, she came back, the same girl who broke my heart came back and made me believe she came to save my life, to take me out of the black hole. She built me up and made me see hope when there was nothing to see. She even helped me look for work. Everything was just perfect.

Not much later the usual fights started to happen again, I got paranoid and stressed about the smallest of things. It was a late Tuesday afternoon, we just had a huge argument and I got tired of it so I said to her that I know we’re fighting but I love you and I know we’ll get through this. Her reply was like the knife through my heart. She replied I should leave her alone because I’m sick and I’ll never get better...

I dropped my phone and turned my radio on and played Simple Plan’s Perfect on repeat. I grabbed every pill I could get my hands on, I overdosed and slit my wrists with a broken razor. I was losing consciousness, but just before I blacked out my phone rang and without knowing I picked it up and answered it. It was a friend just wanting to randomly phone me and hear how I’m doing. Over the phone, he noticed something is wrong. He phoned my mother and rushed to the house and they found me passed out in a pool of blood. They took me to the hospital right away and I was in a coma for three days. When I finally woke up, I woke up to people around me in tears. That made me think that no one is really ever alone and that everyone has someone who cares about them.

Life was awkward and weird afterward, I couldn’t lie to the people in my life because this time, it’s clear I tried to commit suicide.  It was in December 2015 when I was sitting at home being bored when a friend phoned me and invited me to his home cell for worship and bible study. Having nothing to do I went with him. That night I met Jesus Christ the mighty son of God! I understood that failing twice at suicide is clearly God’s way of telling me that His plan for me isn’t over yet. And from that day on my life has just been amazing as I now know what is true love, God’s love for us.