Marriage
A friend and I were talking recently about incompatibility in marriage, a definition of which as relates to relationships, according to dictionary.com, is "being unable to exist together in harmony." God created individuals for companionship, but not just any companionship. It is interesting that when Adam was created God said, "...i will make him a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18). Did you catch that? Two words are very important:suitable helper. The inspired scripture uses very choice wording. Incompatibility means one or both spouses can be an unsuitable hindrance.
Any good relationship will exhibit qualities portrayed in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. "Two are bettter than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm,but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart." This is the ideal in any relationship, and should be especially true in marriage, but the truth is that some marriages are much less than ideal. Two people are not supportive of each other, but work against one another.
A lack of compatibility is not an inability to communicate or deal with issues. Those things can be learned through counseling and practice. It is not caused by weaknesses and flaws in the other person like between any two imperfect people. It goes beyond that. The cause is two people who are so opposite in their views and mindsets that, instead of "iron sharpening iron" they are like two grates rubbing together, causing friction and resistance. There is no chance of agreement in certain matters. Working together in a mutually constructive way is not going to happen. A lot of this is caused by misconceptions of the roles of husband and wife. Possibly emotional baggage was brought into the relationship without the knowledge of the other spouse. Just becauses two people "fall in love" does not mean that they really know each other. And they might get married for the wrong reasons. There are also cases where one person cannot fulfill a dream because the other is not supportive or requires so much time attending to the emotional needs of the relationship. I know of a woman who was so controlled by her husband that, after he passed away, said she could finallly be herself.
The cold, hard truth is that, in some cases, two people simply do not belong together! Even Christians who both have a heart for God, may not be meant to be married. I also do not believe, however, the nonsense that there is only one right person to marry. There can be more than one "suitable helper," but a wrong person is one with whom there is absolutely no compatibility. It is, therefore, possible for one person to believe that he or she should have never married the other.
If you are in a marriage that I have described I am not advocating divorce. I believe that marriage is for life, as hard as it may be. It is, indeed, very unfortunate and sad, however, that a married couple finds out too late that they simply were not meant for one another. They have to make the best of a much less than ideal situation. There is hope, though. Even in an incompatible marriage there are positive things upon which to focus. Here are some:
1. Accept the differences and know the "sore spots." Don't go there in conversations.
2. Good communication can be learned through counseling and with practice. There are certain words to use and not use. Talk about the issues. Ask how the other person feels about things. Don't cast blame. Don't make generalities like, "You always..."
3. Identify common interests. What kind of things do you both like to do together?
4. Realize that anger and yelling at each other is not an option.
5. Help is available through trained people, reading books, etc.
(I sincerely hope that this article has been of practical help to some couples. If so, I would love for you to comment.)
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