Illness

Hypo or The Journal of a Hypothyroid Male - Part Four A Post-Diagnosis Journal 2013

by Carl Halling
10/21/15
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To a Christian Source

4/4/13

Please, please pray for me for thyroid disease (hypothyroidism); severe sleeping difficulties; depressive issues; sporadic low spirits, tiredness, lack of energy, lightheadedness/dizziness; possible raised blood sugar levels; enlarged prostate and related issues; skin problems (rash/tinea cruris). Thank you and bless you.

To a Friend

03/10/2013

I'm just emerging from a horrific experience involving an allergic reaction (to what I have no idea), which caused my left forearm to burn a deep red; at one point it seemed like I was itching virtually from head to toe, it was maddening. I was originally prescribed anti-histamines. Then the arm swelled, and I was told some infection had set in, and was put on antibiotics, with a steroid cream helping to heal the burning skin. The arm is starting to respond at long last; so as I say I may be fine for the 7th; but another Monday would be safer. I'm so sorry. I seem to be beset by health crises don't I after about a half century of near-unbroken good health. I do feel a certain sense  of  not being terribly robust; and it may  be  my past catching up on me at last. So...I was just wondering if next Monday has been confirmed or not; of course it all depends on how quickly I heal, which God willing I will...

To a Christian Source

5/11/2013

Dear friends, I'm struggling with the concept of God's forgiveness; and sometimes feel I'm too “bad” to be forgiven (until proven otherwise): Indeed I'm writing this in a mood of concern for my recent behaviour. For some time now I've had many problems. Including health problems such as - occurring at various times - hypothyroidism and probable attendant symptoms such as depression, mood swings, lack of energy, lightheadedness and debilitating sleep difficulties, suspected enlarged prostate  and attendant discomfort,  skin  problems including discoid eczema,  itchy  allergic hives-like skin complaint, including at one stage infection requiring antibiotics, tinea cruris. I also suffer from social withdrawal, and consequent financial difficulties. I'm periodically prone to moods of deep regret and even at times desperation over my health difficulties, and perceived lack of success in life. Yet strangely for the most part, I'm subject to cheerful hopefulness, gaining enormous strength from my Christian faith, and can be bouncy and happy go lucky for absolutely ages. While these moods are prominent, I'm also prone to sudden changes of mood, and descents into melancholia...often occasioned by ill health. I struggle to stay well, being subject to all manner of minor issues, stemming from insomnia, anxiety and other setbacks, and can often feel run down, sickly and fluey, even weak and shivery. At times such as these I fear terribly for my health; I can be a terrible baby and coward. I  can  cry out in  rage  and  despair; not to anyone, just out into the air as it were. And afterwards, I feel so desperately and deeply saddened that time and time again despite not meaning to, I take it out on God, the person most likely to be hurt by transports of rage and pain. My question is: Can God forgive? I so often feel no; that I've gone too far, and these feeling occasion me sorrow; so: does repentance truly bring forgiveness? Or can a person become too “bad” for hope. Thank you.

To a Christian Source

6/11/13

Regarding your essay on negative thoughts, it barely occurred to me that it was a common Christian problem; I've always felt so guilty about them, and solitary. I find myself struggling with my thoughts, and being in some sense dominated by them. It's not uncommon for a negative and destructive thought to slip into my mind, although I immediately regret and disown it. I might have a thousand positive thoughts, but it's this one negative one that will prevail. Try as hard as I might, I'm unable to neutralise it, and it seems to assume a force all of its own; so that I have a sense I'm no longer in control of my eyes. I claim responsibility for the situation, even though I've gone to colossal lengths to deny, refute the thought, as well as  the fleeting feelings  behind  it. This situation isn't rare,  but  incredibly common, and it's contributed to a strong reclusive tendency in my case. I feel it's the Enemy behind this “thought question” of mine, and although I endlessly pray for it to be resolved, it remains a source of torment for me. It seems I can't help but be destructive, even while the most well-meaning of men, and yet one endlessly harassed by - if not negative thoughts - then the possibility of their appearing, and assuming a life of their own. It feels reassuring to realise the extent of the battle for our thoughts. And that there might be a solution.

To a Christian Source

17/12/2013

1.

Dear Pastor, I'm struggling with the concept of God's forgiveness; and sometimes feel I'm too “bad” to be forgiven (until proven otherwise): Indeed I'm writing this in a mood of concern for my recent behaviour. For some time now I've had many problems. Including health problems such as - occurring at various times - hypothyroidism and probable attendant symptoms such as lack of energy, light-headedness and debilitating sleep difficulties, suspected enlarged prostate and attendant discomfort, skin problems including discoid eczema, itchy allergic hives-like skin complaint, including at one stage infection requiring antibiotics, tinea cruris, and most recently, a longdrawnoutcold.Yetstrangelyforthe most part, I'm subject to cheerful hopefulness, gaining enormous strength from my Christian faith. Yet, if I was honest, I have a drastically limited capacity for physical suffering: I can cry out in rage and despair when sick; I take it out on God, the person most likely to be hurt, and say awful things. My question is: Can God forgive? I so often feel no; that I've gone too far: does repentance truly bring forgiveness? Or can a person become too “bad” for hope, I mean in the light of such concepts as the Unforgivable Sin. Thank you.

2

Thanks so much for your reply to my question, I really appreciate it, it's a joy to hear from you. I'm delighted you've seen my Face Book and Blogster pages, and have enjoyed them. I'll definitely be taking a look at your Blog, and Face Book page; and a closer look at your main site too. Re. being too “bad” to be forgiven, I feel that way sometimes, and it's more often than not related to the physical conditions I mentioned in my last email. You make a very interesting indeed fascinating point about the connection between my health problems and my behaviour: I've often thought that maybe the main source of my health problems, my thyroid disease, has at  least  partly come about as a result of my behaviour. I had many warning signs about losing self-control and so on, but I ignored them and have paid the price. But I do believe God can heal. Yes, taking it out on God comes as a result of my sufferings. I have a very weak capacity for physical suffering, and get mad at God when it gets particularly bad. I seem to have become obsessed by them, and made some kind of idol out of trying to stay physically well. Which isn't good. But I feel very cheered by what you say about repentance, that it's never too late to repent. So this is what I'll do; and trust that God will forgive me, although sometimes I wonder how He can. You've been a great help, believe me, it's always a joy when a fellow Christian takes the trouble to reach out: many Christians today are isolated what with the internet and so on, as well as physical sickness &c., and I believe online prayer, fellowship and so on to be a very precious ministry. Thanks again, God bless.