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And God saw that it was
good. [Genesis 1:12]
***********************
Place: Heaven.
Time: Some blessed, merciful
time in the hopefully near
future.
Characters: the author, and
a soul named Sam.
__________________________
"I'm leaving for Earth
today, JULIE!
The Father told me!"
"Oh, really? Well.......
good....LUCK! Did He tell
you what you were gonna
be? Where you're gonna
live? What you're gonna
look like? Is your family
gonna be the Brady Bunch, or
totally dysfunctional?
That's all really
important, ya know."
"What's a bradeebuncha, JULIE?
You think I should ask the Father,
all this?"
"Well....from my experience,
a little foreknowledge is
worth the price of gold."
"Gold? You mean the stuff
in our sidewalks?"
"Oy vey! Are you clueless!
I better not say anything
more, Sam. I shouldn't have
opened my big mouth. Just
be careful of other humans,
and watch your back."
"Watch my....BACK? What
does that mean?"
"Oh, Lord. Just forget
it. Just forget everything
I said, Sam. You'll do
fine. Your assignment on
Earth is only gonna last
about 70 years or so. It's
not really that long, although
sometimes it seems like
a lifetime...ha, ha!"
"It will be wonderful, Julie!
The Father is going to be
with me, the whole TIME!"
"Yeah. But, Sam, on Earth
you can't see Him, or
hear Him, at all. And you
forget about bein' up Here.
It's all a weird, kind'a
elusive, rather VAGUE
feeling....most the humans
you meet are gonna make
fun of you if you talk
about Him, too much."
"But...why, Julie?
WHY?"
"Cuz. Just cuz. Trust me.
It's a whole different
place, down there. Most of
the time you're gonna feel
like the Father's off on
planet Pluto, or somethin'.
And by the time you're a
grown-up human, chances
are you'll be distrusting
Him, making fun of Him,
or even hating Him."
"Never, Julie!
Never!"
"Yeah. Well. Whatever.
Once you're smacked on the
butt by the doctor, you're
gonna suddenly develop
some weird amnesia about
Heaven: it happens to all
a' us."
"Who's gonna smack me on the BUTT?
What's amneeshshshaah, JULIE?
And, what about PRAYER? Isn't
that gonna be really, really
IMPORTANT?"
"Yeah, Sam! But prayer doesn't
really cut the mustard down THERE!"
"What's a...muss'taadah?"
"SAM! Are you LISTENING?
Listen. Prayer's good and all, but
like I said, on Earth you can't
hear what God says, anyway! Half
the time you pray, all you get is a
big lead balloon falling back on your
head. On Earth, prayers are like
balloons: a couple will reach Heaven,
but most will just drift back down
to Earth. Listen, all I'm
tellin' you is to watch your
back, trust other humans about
as far as you can throw 'em,
and just think about your
education, and a good job.
And, learn how to balance
your checkbook. And, how to
do your taxes. And, how to
change your windshield wiper
fluid. Oh, and never drive
over one of those orange
cone things in the road.
And enjoy pizza as much as you
can before turning 45. After
45, all it does is give you
heartburn, and then there's
MORE doctors. Oh. I almost forgot;
if you ever get bit three times
by a fire ant inside your belly button,
don't pour 4 bottles of
Calamine Lotion into it."
"What's a...belly BUTTON?
What's a PEEZZAHAZ, and
why does it make your HEART
burn up?"
"God! I can't believe
how clueless Earth bound
humans are! It's amazing
any of us survive past the
first five years!"
"But all I want to do
is focus on my Earth
assignment, and love
the FATHER!"
"Listen, Sam. You're gonna
FORGET all that stuff.
Most of your life, you're
just gonna have this weird
feeling that you're supposed
to be doin' SOMETHING...
but you just can't figure
out WHAT. Half the time
you spend just tryin' to
avoid trouble, and dentists."
"What's a den'niss?"
"Oy vey! Listen, Sam.
The best advice I can give
you is: brush and floss
your teeth at least 3 times
a day, never drink, smoke,
take drugs, or think about sex,
and, always have a job, don't
go to Walmart whatever you
do....and......oh, yeah,
and stay away from stray
cats, and homeless dogs;
you'll end up payin' for the
veterinarian's grandkids' college
education."
"What's a BETTERNARIAN, Julie?
Why are dogs HOMELESS,
on Earth?"
"Cuz they are, Sam. Oh,
and I almost forgot. If
somebody comes up to you,
and asks you if you want to
be saved, just say "Yeah.",
and don't argue with them.
It'll save you a lotta trouble,
not to make a pun, or anything."
"What's a PUNDT?
But, Julie! You still haven't
told me what a DENNISS
is...? It sounds very
IMPORTANT!"
"Just STAY away from 'em!
And, by all means....don't
eat any processed SUGAR!
It will ruin your whole TIME
there on Earth! BELIEVE me!"
"Okay, Julie. If you
say so. What's it called:
CHHHHHUHH...GHAR?"
"Yeah! Just remember!
No sugar, and no sex! And
you'll be just fine!"
"What's ssssss'eaxx?"
"Oy, my God! How can
He let us go to Earth...
and be so CLUELESS?"
"But....don't I get to
take the Lord's Book
with me to Earth, Julie?
Isn't that the manual
we're supposed to read
the whole TIME?"
"No, Sam! You don't get
to take ANYTHING! You
might not even SEE a
manual, or be able to
READ one, for YEARS!
And by the time you CAN
read it, you don't WANT to!"
"But, WHY?"
"Cuz! On Earth most
people think it's stupid,
and not worth reading at all!
They mostly use it for a doorstop,
or somethin'!"
"What's a darsssstopah?"
"Oy vey z'mir. Listen.
Just stay away from
three things: sugar, sex,
and DENTISTS. You'll
be payin' up the wazoo,
believe me."
"Julie?"
"What."
"What's a WAHT'SUU?"
******************************
Then LORD God formed man of
dust from the ground,
and breathed into his nostils
the breath of life, and
man became a living being.
[Genesis 2:7]
What three pieces of advice would you give to a new
soul? Be very specific.
Copyright 2014.
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