Humor
I think I’ve figured out the problem of our nation’s highways: they are full of cars. And it’s not the cars themselves that is the real problem, but the nut behind the wheel of these cars. Actually, after taking an unofficial poll, I’ve discovered the following: There are no bad drivers in the us highways today. Everyone I’ve asked thinks of themselves as safe drivers. So why are there so many accidents on the roads? This is one of the Great Mysteries.
As I drive along the highways, I notice a number of cars left by the side of the road. It occurred to me that by carefully observing which cars were on the side of the road, I could tell which type of car most often left their driver stranded, and which ones appeared the least on the side of the road. This would aid in getting the most dependable car and avoiding the pitfalls of getting “bad cars”. I’ll let you know at the end of the article which car I found through this method was most dependable.
Something else I found out from my “unofficial poll”: Everyone goes Just The Right Speed, and any one else who goes slower is a “Moron” and anyone else who goes faster is a “Maniac”. This is universal with everyone I’ve ever been a passenger with, no matter what their median speed is.
Drivers have an obsession with going fast, which always puzzles me. Especially when it involves traffic lights. I will watch with fascination as a driver will push a car to go as fast as possible when up ahead is a steady, unyielding red light, and then they stomp on the break at the last possible moment. Why do people only do this with cars? You never see this in an office building, where people run as fast as thy can to the next door and wait for it to open, and then tear off like crazy for the next one and then stand there for a while again. Or zip in and out of a hallway full of people, jumping lanes and cutting people off, trying to get just one more person ahead at the shoe store. They’ll be downright polite about it. Why is this behavior only happen with cars?
Some people think its because people feel more anonymous in a car, or that the car is an extension of their personality that only shows itself when they get behind the wheel. Personally, I think it’s because carmakers install a “Moron Chip” in cars that makes people think and act like lobotomized turnips instead of rational beings. Well, maybe that’s being too harsh. Turnips shouldn’t be characterized that way, even lobotomized ones.
The curious thing about “going fast” in a car isn’t so much the speed factor – it is the illusion of going faster by passing other cars. I’ve observed this behavior quite often in my travels. A car will act like they are carrying mortally wounded people to a hospital in an effort to get passed another car, but left to their own devices, they’d be happy to go at a slower rate. It’s just getting ahead of that next car, and the next car, and the next car that gives the impression of actually getting someplace faster.
With this understanding, I’ve attempted to help people feel like they are going faster by purposefully slowing down in front of cars that are gaining on me. After they have passed me and settled in the lane ahead, I’ll speed up and pass up the car, and then brake again once I’m ahead of them in order to give them the opportunity to pass me up once more. This way they’ll feel like they’ve passed a lot of cars on their journey and are getting to their destination in record time. I’ve noticed how this affects individuals after the dozenth time or so of my “service” that I’m providing -- they get very animated, excited, and sometimes make inexplicable gestures at me as I pass them with a hearty smile and a “thumbs-up”.
I have my own theory of how to solve rude people in traffic. For every five years of “Non-rude” driving, a person is issued their own heat-seeking missile to side mount on the side of their car (or a “Pop-up” variety at ten years), which they can use at their discretion. If someone cuts them off in traffic, or is rude to them, they can just fire it off and the missile will go right up the offender’s tail pipe. People will think twice before doing something careless if there’s the possibility the person may retaliate in a decisive and sanctioned manner. And there is nothing more satisfying than sending off your heat-seeking retribution to someone who thinks that just because they’ve served in front of you and ducked around the corner that they can get away with it. Yes sir…
And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Which car is the most dependable and leaves the least number of it’s type on the side of the road? (drum roll please…) The answer is:
Green ones.
I went out and had mine painted green yesterday. I feel so much better. In fact I felt so confident I cancelled my AAA emergency roadside membership. Wonder if my insurance will go down?
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Soooo…you were that guy that keep passing me, huh? Made me late for dinner; what with being stopped by the police for passing on the double yellow lines. Cool…you rock, guy!
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