Christian Living

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I am humbled when I consider how poorly I have loved others. Not to say that I have not cared for their well being, sometimes with all of my heart. When I have seen another going down a wrong path, I have prayed intently and looked for times to speak to them. But I notice that often my focus was not to truly love, it was to get them to change. Now, what I speak of here in this article, is not related to my role as a therapist in the counseling process. It is more based on my personal experiences with those outside the counseling room, in hopes that you can relate to what I am talking about.

First, let me clarify…I continue to believe very strongly in our role to awaken and guide one another into better paths through life. But when it is the main reason for connecting with people, we can easily lose sight of respecting another. And we can miss out on the power of genuine care. I now believe that simple love must be the priority. And we must examine ourselves to see if it really is for us.

I was once told, “I don’t want a mentor, I want a friend.” I never forgot those words. They opened my eyes to the desires of our hearts, which are acceptance and unconditional love. They helped me see that truly helping another comes not from advising them, but from addressing their deeper needs for genuine connecting.


Our Motivations Matter

If we approach a relationship with the mission to change the other person, we can come from a place of arrogance. We can become pushy or obsessive in trying to be someone’s savior. The person can become irritated or no longer want to talk to us. We become burdened and drained. Even if approached gently, when our priority is to fix someone, we misunderstand love and view the other as a project, rather than a valuable child of God.

You see, even as Christians our old self can still easily get in the way and influence even good actions. We may start with a sincere place of caring for someone, but if we are not careful this care becomes mixed with fear, frustration, impatience, and the desire to control the other person. We can lost sight of God's presence in them and become focused on getting them to see what we see, etc. That can be a difficult place for us. And we must really look within to see if that is taking place.

You see, our motivations matter to God. We may be doing good things on the outside like spreading His Word, talking about HIm, etc. but if we are doing it from a place of arrogance or any negative feeling that is opposing to HIs nature, then we have tainted to some degree the power and beauty of those good things. That is why many people will end up being turned away from God rather than turned toward Him, if they are approached the wrong way by those of us who are not examining our motives and seeking to love and respect, as the ultimate starting and continuing place.

Learning how to reach others as God would, requires that we be sensitive to the still, small voice of the Spirit within, and be softened to listen to His instruction; just as we would want someone else to be open to listening to us. We must ask for God to show us what He wants us to see, and to guide us along the way - keeping in mind that we are all a work in progress through our lives.

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When another’s actions become the focus, we do not understand what is most important to God. We show our own inner beliefs that he cares more about what we do or don’t do, than about us. But God’s main purpose is not to monitor us. It is to simply love. As we simply love, we send the message that actions do not make up who we are. We show others that they are lovable simply because God chose them as his children.

There is great value in just being present with someone through their pains...even in openly listening as someone talks about struggles they are not yet willing to give up. That can be a very tough place for us, especially when we genuinely see and want more for them. But in that place, we again must start with loving them right where they are. Oftentimes what we need most of all is to be understood, for someone to listen and be patient with us. When offering this to each other, we can experience a comforting glimpse of God.

Sadly, many of us have come from life experiences where love was lacking or distorted. We carry with us burdens that tells we are not worthy. What we need from here is a new experience. One where whatever we have to offer, wounds and all, is enough. One where nothing is asked of us, and we are still met with the love we have so needed.

We cannot change what has happened in someone’s life. We also may have nothing to say or do that can immediately take away their grief or anger. And it can be very difficult to sit with someone in the mess. I have felt helpless when I cannot make someone feel better. But we are asked to sit in that uncomfortable spot and wait with them. A friend of mine has sincerely thanked me for just being there for him. It was nice to know that though I could do nothing to take away the pain, simply being present was somehow enough. Take the story of Job. As Job cries out in anguish over his life circumstances, the best thing that his friends do for him, is sit by him. It is this that shows their love.

We can fail to realize that showing care is constructive. We may think that it is not as constructive say, as giving someone advice. But it is. And oftentimes, it is more so. You see, love offers a new experience - an experience that can do what words cannot. Love alone is healing, motivating. It delivers hope. It can refresh and us encourage us toward good.

It is simple love that creates change.

But what about this - doesn’t real love mean telling someone something even if they don’t want to hear it? Yes, it does. There are times for this sort of action; God-given times. And we must pray about God bringing us those opportunities and to be prepared to take them when He does. But I also venture to say that we are asked to simply love more than we often realize. We are the ones who may make it more complicated because we battle with feeling afraid, arrogant or impatient.


God’s Abilities and Our Limitations

First of all, we should be careful to assume that we know what is best for someone else. Only God is wise enough to always know what someone really needs.

We are asked to “consider ourselves with sober judgment,” assuming that just as we can teach another, so they can teach us. As one person struggles, so we struggle likewise, even if in different areas. We must watch to address feelings that we are better than another person. In fact, even this example of pride shows that we are not. We are all children of God along the same path of continual redemption.

God can use us naturally if we calm ourselves to simply love. From there he can bring the opportunities to help another, if it is what he desires. But we must first love; and then lean on God’s wisdom, power and care.

When we experience the desire to watch someone develop, let it become heartfelt words in prayer. We cannot trust in ourselves to always know what to do or how to do it. We should not think we can change a person’s heart. But we can lean our trust on God’s abilities, and wait on him to heal and mold others deep within; in the best ways possible.

Let us leave the transformation up to the One who specializes in it. God is truly and deeply, capable of all things. He is a God of miracles. And He has done them billions of times before; it's easy for Him. And He can be more than trusted with those we love.


It Changes Us

Loving another person can be one of the easiest things to do, in that it does not require us to strategize and plan our every move to produce change. However, as many of us have experienced, it can also be one of the most difficult.

People are not always lovable to us. We are not always lovable to others. When we are met with resistance, lack of appreciation, and outright mean behavior, we understandably want to give up and feel we do not deserve to be treated this way. I have been there. At the same time, we cannot begin to judge another person’s actions as if we are free from sin ourselves.

God invites us to look beyond the surface, to see as He does. To see the wounds, and know that he or she is doing the best they know how to do. Sometimes people simply do not have the capacity to behave differenlty at this point.

God also asks that we do not define others by their sin, just as we are not defined by ours. He invites us to see what He does in us... that lovely, unalterable glimpse of who that person was made to be, as being already in them. He calls us to hope in who they are, and where they are going.

Every time we dare to love, every time we dare to push past our feelings of entitlement, take in a deep breath and attempthumility, we are being formed. And God knows we need it.

May we continually ask God for the ability to see and feel more like Him.

It comes down to this –What would we want?

We all want to be respected and believed in. We would not want someone to view us as a person in need of change or repair; but as a beloved, capable person of God. As we go through life, do we not want someone who will listen with compassion while reserving judgment? Someone who will be quick to encourage and have hope?

Let us love as we would want to be loved.

God does not push Himself on us, and his kindness is what draws us most to him. He is gentle, walking with us in understanding and patience; while ever trusting in the reality of who we are.

We can do the same. We can simply love.



“Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)

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