Poetry
He was found walking down a broken street
With power he skated across a straight line crescendo beat
The sky by now had darkened, no silver lining
But deep inside a voice screamed i will come out of hiding
There in a beautiful garden he turned to the love of this world
While he shuttered in pain to the dove, the pain of this world
If only he could have done it through a barbell plate
But no his sacrifice required death was his chosen fate
As the Lilly's danced, so did the thorns too
He would run to death for the flower, or dry thorns like you too
With warmth depleting from his hand he laid down
Giving his last moment to a town while his mother fearfully frowned
In his mind he began to plead, would they see?
For each and every single man, Jesus died for me?
Here's my kiss he proclaimed while the dagger aimed
You are my thorn, my Lilly that today I shall not blame
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-The main reason it felt abstract was because your word choice didn't lead me to realize the subject matter was the crucifixion until stanza 4. "Sacrifice" was the big tip-off, followed by "death" to confirm. I imagine the average Christian won't associate "broken street" or "come out of hiding" with Jesus. It has me wondering what purpose those first two stanzas had. The first lines of a poem dictate to the audience how they should feel so they can more properly understand your words that follow; sorrow or a sense of solemnity, I'd say, is what you were going for ("broken street"), but "skated across...crescendo beat" give me an image of an American teenage male, skating to loud music so he can block out the noise of the world. You see? The sorrowful "broken street" feeling is lost.
-I'd strongly suggest choosing a different word than "Chocolate" in the title. It makes me think of Valentine's Day--the time when you wrote it, I know--it evokes the right emotion if you're married or in a relationship, but if you're not.... I also think of indulgence, like, 'chocolate indulgence.' You don't want your audience thinking about indulging themselves while reading about Jesus as He's dying 'for' our indulgences?
+Stanza 5 had my favorite image: "As the Lilly's danced, so did the thorns too". I imagined the lilies (correct spelling) as the angels dancing that salvation was being created, and the thorns were the Romans, Jews and demons dancing that the Son of God was being killed.
+After making the connection in stanza 4, the rest of your poem was easy to follow. I'm undecided as to whether or not I want to be disappointed by this. It was a thrill trying to figure out what you were describing from your images, but those images ought to apply to something so I can understand them and be edified. 'Kid-friendly,' I used that term before to describe your writing and it applies again. And since learning how old you are in Christ, I can see why your pieces have felt that way. I encourage you to continue writing poetry, especially while your faith is still young. As it ages, you'll want to look back and see glimpses of the path God led your understanding along.