Christian Living

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SPOUSAL BETRAYAL

A knife in the back. A kiss. Equally potent weapons of destruction. Unexpected, sudden and brutal. These elements define a betrayal. And the pages of history are littered with instances of them.

It is the nature of betrayal that it takes place in a context of accessibility and vulnerability. We do not feel betrayed by the stranger in the market place but by the one with whom we had sought to be naked and unashamed. This applies to the business partner or lifelong friend just as it does to the spousal relationship.

“Et tu, Brute?” – words spoken by Julius Caesar of Rome as he was betrayed by a trusted colleague. The stark pain engendered by this act was summed up in his words, “Et tu, Brute!” In other words, “Not you too Brutus. No, Anybody but you!”

There have been many a Brutus lurking in the shadows of the civilized world. From the Boardrooms of the corporate world to the back alleys of desperate criminals. From the palaces of Kings and Presidents to the humble hearths of grieving women. As they are confronted with the evidence of betrayal, they too cry, “ Et tu, Brute?”

One increasingly familiar scene of betrayal in the twenty-first century has been the marital home. As society increasingly relaxes its sanctions against extra-marital relationships, consciences have become increasingly unresponsive to the voice of God. People in high and low positions have opted out of marriage commitments seeking the sanctuary of someone who “makes them feel good about themselves.” And the betrayed spouse whispers, “Et tu, Brute?” After all, this only happens to other marriages. Not her Brutus. No, not her Brutus.

Popular opinion suggests that as a man becomes increasingly successful one of the things he seeks to change along with his car is the wife of his youth. “She hasn’t grown with me,” they declare.

Sections of the church, affected by the popular culture have sought justification in the Word in order to advise betrayed spouses why they should end the marriage relationship. “God doesn’t want His children hurting,” they say. Or “He doesn’t deserve your loyalty anymore. He has broken his vows of loyalty.”

The scourge of betrayal, however, does have an antidote. When our life’s main focus is to become conformed to the image of Christ, it becomes easier to allow God to use our spouse’s wrongdoing to forge a better vessel from our damaged pottery. When we shift our focus from our imperfect mate to our perfect Husband (“for your Maker is your husband”), it becomes easier to forgive, forgetting those things which are behind and moving forward. When our intent is not what our spouses can do for us but what we can do for our spouses ("esteeming each other above ourselves"), it becomes easier to embark on life’s principal project of gazing the more intently into His wonderful face.

Betrayal of trust given, betrayal of dreams dreamt and betrayal of hopes birthed at the beginning of marriage need not be the devastation experienced by those without God. Let us shift our focus from earth to heaven and cease to expect our earthly husbands to do God’s job. He is the One meant to make us “feel good about ourselves”. He is the One meant to carry our burdens. He is the one meant to encourage us at the end of a weary day. He is the one who provides and protects. The earthly builder builds in vain unless He builds the house. Our earthly husbands husband in vain unless He husbands the wife. Betrayal is not the end. It is the beginning.

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