Christian Living

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Just another crazy day.

There is so much to think about. Where I’m meant to be, how I’ll ever get there; I have so many doubts that even if God put up a neon sign, I think I’d question it. This unsettled resolve of who I’ll never be and what I haven’t done yet is like drowning in a cup of water; it can kill you , but only if you swallow it.

I think I’ll drive. Maybe take that 20 minute trip out to my friends house in the mountains. Maybe the focus on how fast I’m taking that 35mph turn while listening to whatever keeps me singing will let my thoughts chill out. The things I take for granted disgust me, interrupt my search for peace. I see real hurt and pain every day, it’s hard to view anything I feel as unselfish. Somehow hard to it see it as selfish, too.

Watching my best friend with her three kids and job and husband and everything else she does, helps me realize what life is about. Funny how the very things a single person spends a good deal of there life getting, aren’t answers to the questions or needs, but often another journey to take us to an end we cannot see. We both grew up in strict Baptist homes, both wrestle with grace and rules and pants and love. We’ll bring out the Bibles and the southern iced tea. I’ll cry and complain and cry because I complained, and she will do the same. We will turn it over to God, agree to pray more for the other. I’ll hug her kids and see their toys and listen to their stories. I’ll joke with her husband, grab my keys and head back into town.


And then the day won’t seem so bad. Travis Tritt’s ‘Great Day to be Alive’, will seem a little more like my life, Kid Rock’s, ‘Pictures‘ will seem a little less like my life and maybe I can break through to where God is. I know He is bigger than my frustrations (I thank Him everyday!), and bigger than my fears. But sometimes, He doesn’t seem bigger than me.

So on my way home I hit an old dirt road seldom used , open my Bible and let Christ drown out what anyone has told me. And I try to believe that one could love me so much. Especially God- He’s seen everything and knows the truth about me. And so I cry again. God tells me everyday how much He loves me. He loves me just as I am, but He will not leave me there. That disturbs and yet somehow comforts me; He will call it sin, and then it can be forgiven, I will lose my excuses, but also lose my guilt. And, at the end of every crazy day, I will hear and say, I love you.

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