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Topic: Seasons (12/08/03)
TITLE: ONE OF LIFES HARDEST SEASONS By Ruth Napier 12/11/03 |
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There are many seasons that we all go through in our lives. Some are good and others are not.
I have a season that I'm facing and going through that I never dreamed I'd face this soon in my life. We are in the Christmas season right now which is a wonderful season. But the season I'm going through is so difficult that I am having a hard time even participating in Christmas.
I walk through the stores and I hear Elvis singing, "I'll Have A Blue Christmas Without You" on the speakers. I try very hard to block that song out when I hear it.
As I walk on I see little children all excited when they see Santa waving at them. I see smiles on faces with anticipation and the isles filled with boxes of gifts on carts ready to be put on the shelves. What a great time for everyone, but me.
You see, I lost my husband a few months back and I don't know how to handle Christmas this year. It will be the first Christmas without him. I don't want to have Christmas with him gone. We spent forty-one Christmas holidays together. How am I going to do this without him here?
As I go to different Malls and stores, I see tools in a gift pack that he would have liked. I see Christmas candy he liked and I cry. I see other women buying gifts for their husbands and I feel so alone. I wonder around not knowing what to do because I want to buy something for him, but he's not here anymore.
When I go by the flowers I think maybe I should buy him a pretty Poinsettias and take it to decorate his grave with, but I don't. Everything I see and think of is still about him.
I'm not putting up the tree this year. I can't bear to see it all sparkly and bright and no one to share it with. He would sit and watch me as I set it up and decorate it and help if I needed him to.
We have three sons, and they will be here to have dinner with me on Christmas day. There will be an empty place at the table but we will make conversation and try not to say anything about it.
We have one granddaughter Sarah (she's 6), and she was the apple of my husband's eye. He always called her "princess". She told me she misses Grandpa and cries sometimes when she thinks of him.
You that still have your mate; enjoy every Christmas with them as if it's your last, because it could be. I had no clue it would be this hard to live without him and that I would miss him so much and especially during the holidays.
This has got to be the worst season of my life that I've ever been in, but I know I will get through it one day and go on with my life. I'll never forget him and will always miss him, I'm sure.
But for this first year, it truly will be a blue Christmas with out him.
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