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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Willingness (02/21/05)
The antiseptic chill hovered in the air like an evil threat.

My body shivered in fear. The icy truth immobilized me each time I witnessed my little boy’s agony. I twisted my hands feeling hopeless and angry as I squirmed and paced the room. The cancerous disease hungered to seize my son’s last breath.

Waves of unrelenting anxiety sapped my strength. Each breath I took equaled one less there would be for my son. The end was near. In my despair, I tried to bargain with God—unwilling to let my boy go.

“You are not taking my son!” I stammered through uncontrollable sobs.

“I’m not willing or able to let him go — Take me…”

In mid-sentence, I shielded my face in shame for my tone of voice with God.

I sat frozen, as if waiting for punishment.

My son’s bedside monitor taunted me like a demon waiting to snatch its prey. With cruel insensitivity, the blips and bleeps kept me alert to his deterioration while the truth on the screen announced my son’s destiny. With burning eyes and a heavy heart, I turned to my heavenly Father and begged.

Through his labored gasps and half-closed eyes, my little one searched for my hand. As his father, he waited for me to restore him—just as I always did when he was sick.

The excruciating reality was that I would have to disappoint him this time—it tore at my soul. I could not diminish his pain or make him better. That fact made my emotions spiral out of control and they crashed in a heap of despair. Painful shards severed my last thread of hope and I expelled a muffled wail through my shaking hands as they covered my mouth.

As I lay waiting for death’s cold grip to steal my son, he slipped farther from me. Peace came only from the image of his loving Father at heaven’s gate. Despite my desire to keep him alive, it meant nothing — I could do nothing. He was in God’s hands and it was time for me to willingly surrender him to the only One capable of restoration. Ashamed of my sin, I finally recognized God’s strength above my own.

It tortured me to watch those last moments, but his pain was mine to share and I would endure it with him. As an emotional battle raged within, nothing equaled the horror of witnessing my child’s agony. I could take it no more. Suddenly, through God’s grace, he blessed me with a willingness to let him go. My battle within was over.

“Daddy, I www…ant it to stop. Pleeeea…se make it stop.”

Drenched in pain-induced sweat, I helplessly took his limp hand in mine; my eyes bled tears of deep suffering. Although God was always in control, I finally released the desperate hold I had on my son. I looked at him with unconditional love as I let him go. I took his head and cradled it in my arms; my body was wracked with indescribable pain as my own head lay close to his precious face, listening to his last breath.

In my mourning, I allowed my own Father to quell my pain. Through surrender, I was confronted with the truth of my weakness and humanity. I suddenly realized I could do nothing without Him.

My Father knows the pain and distress of my heart. He witnessed the agony of His own beloved son when He sent Jesus to experience the unthinkable long ago.

Jesus’ own labored gasps and half-closed eyes searched for His father too; only His hands were not free to search for Him. They remained helplessly affixed to His cross by death’s ruthless grasp.

As I lay close to my son’s precious face listening to his last breath, death’s cold grip was finally gone. The breath of new life was suddenly my son’s forever.

Finally at peace, I was never more willing to let him go. He then lay cradled in his heavenly Father’s arms.

“Thy Will Be Done.”
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This article has been read 2022 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Deborah Bauers
02/28/05
I'm wondering if this is written from personal experience? I am right there with you, my friend. I, too, have lost a child and reading this takes me back twenty years ago to my daughter's bedside. Bless you! May He refine you through the fire of your afflication and bring you forth full of no hope and unconditional faith in His love. Thanks for sharing something so personal.
Deborah Bauers
02/28/05
Please excuse the typo in my comment above. Make certain that you delete the "no" in front of the word "hope". God is a God of hope!
Judy Anderson
03/01/05
May God continue to also hold you in His everlasting arms. What a testimony of your faith to be able to let go with peace. Your testimony will continue to bless others. Thank you.
Deborah Parker
03/02/05
lETTING GO IS THE HARDEST THING. BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN AND TOUCHING TO THE COLDEST HEART.
Dave Wagner
03/03/05
Good grief. Reading this was like getting kicked in the stomach. It grabbed me by the throat and didn't let go till near the end. For some reason that I can't place yet, it seemed to lose some strength near the very end...re-reading it gives me no answer as to why, so I can offer no suggestions. Logically, it seems perfectly executed...but still.

In any case, this one is masterfully done. I suppose I'm a bit biased since I am the father of a youngster, and have contemplated just such a scenario before, wondering how I would ever handle it. Also reminds me of that Mark Schulz song "He's My Son."

Thanks for posting this. Its strength is undeniable.
Barbara Thompson Young
03/03/05
Top of the line writing!
Joanne Malley
03/03/05
To my readers...FYI, this is a work of fiction--didn't want to mislead anyone. I felt bad that some people thought it was true. I used the Challenge as a challenge for me to do something different; to stretch my writing abilities with a very dramatic piece.
Blessings all-
Joanne
Debbie OConnor
03/06/05
Ohhh. This was so painful and beautiful at the same time. I had a hard time reading to the end. A very well told story. I felt the pain and the release. And I loved the conclusion. Great job.
Lynda Lee Schab 
03/07/05
I am speechless and in tears. This is a gut-wrenching piece that is superbly written and very much deserving of its first place win.
Brilliant!
Love, Lynda
Corinne Smelker 
03/08/05
I can see why this won first place - well done Jo - it was so believable.