Beyond the Shadow of Doubt | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Beyond the Shadow of Doubt | Previous Challenge Entry
By Gina Fifo
10/18/20
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Whenever I see or hear the word “revival” I conjure up images of a large tent, a traveling minister and shouts of “Amen!” as people are led to the Lord. Of course, I’ve only ever seen that kind of revival on television, never attended one myself. I’ve attended those held in a modern day church, usually in the summer time, with the Pastor preaching several nights in a row, leading the unsaved to salvation and the backslidden to a renewed relationship with Jesus.

I’m a pro at a different kind of revival – what I call a DIY (do-it-yourself) spiritual revival. Now, maybe you think a committed Christian shouldn’t have to be “revived”. I would beg to differ with you. If you never doubt your faith, how can you be so sure of it? Faith that is tested and survives is stronger. Or at least it is for me.

I wasn’t brought up in a Christian home. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with toxic parents. My initial religious indoctrination came from brief, periodic attendance of Catholic Schools. Then life experiences had me bordering on atheism (although fear gleaned from Catholicism kept me from declaring there is no God) to agnosticism – and finally, thankfully, salvation!

I’ve been buried under the rubble of life many times. I’ve been shackled by pain and heartache and endured times so dark that I could not find even a tiny beam of light on the horizon. Even now, after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I sometimes become so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, I inevitably fail to immediately pray. And in that moment, that brief interim, Satan strikes, boldly coming forth and loudly proclaiming that God has abandoned me.

The devil, of course, is the great Deceiver and the father of lies. In spite of knowing this, my human side lets its guard down. Doubt about God’s love for me begins to niggle in. It keeps me up at night. It taunts me during the day. I wrestle with the old beliefs that were embedded in me decades ago. The ones you can’t easily shake no matter how hard you try; the belief that if a bad thing befalls you, it’s because you deserve it. You’ve sinned. God isn’t happy with you. These teachings contradict God’s steadfast love, his forgiveness, mercy and grace, which at one point became the foundation of my faith.

Experience has proven that God doesn’t abandon us; he is waiting patiently for us to call on him, to trust him. Still, I too often wallow in my heartache, bemoan the hand I’ve been dealt and suffer in anxious silence for too long. Oh, I may cry out to God with a “why me” and even a “help me, Lord” – but that’s my human gut reaction, not a deep spiritual prayer of trust.

Feelings of unworthiness have me asking, “Who am I, that God should lift me from the throes of my despair?” It is then that I realize Satan has taken me hostage. And, I fight back. Forcing my fears and doubts aside, I breathe deeply and lean into the Lord. That’s when I hear it . . .

My heavenly Father’s voice speaks. He reaches down, lifts me up and tenderly whispers, “Who are you, my child? You are mine. Wholly Mine.”
My soul is revived.

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