Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Chillax (04/03/14)
-
TITLE: A Calming Effect | Previous Challenge Entry
By Deborah Sampson
04/10/14 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Grace looked at her friend closely, “Carol, can’t you see that there is nothing to do but wait?”
“I can’t do this, Grace. I need to be doing something, and I am going to begin with asking good ole Kevin where he was when this happened.”
“Carol you need to chill out!” Grace stood and almost toppled over the small table beside her. “You have to get yourself together, girl. You can’t charge in there like a bull in a china shop.”
Carol glared at her friend, but slowly her expression turned into the sweetest smile. “You are so right Gracie, honey works better to get info from a suspect. And that is exactly what I am going to do, care to come with me?” Carol grab her car keys and purse and was headed out the door. There was not much choice but for Grace but to follow.
***************
Carol slowed the car as she reached the stop sign. What would she say to Kevin? He seemed like the most likely to know who wrote the message on the side of her garage. She couldn’t get the words out of her mind. It read- Jesus ain’t real- Shut your mouth girl, Or else!) Whoever it is sounds really mad. She tried to rack her brain on whom she would have talked to about Jesus. The Verse in John 14:27 kept running through her mind. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Carol and Grace pulled up to Kevin’s house. They both exited the car at the same time. Good, Kevin was here. They walked up the uneven sidewalk and onto porch where Carol rang the bell.
Kevin opened the door. Looking at Carol and then at Grace. What do you two want?” There was no warmth in his words and the glare he gave them put a chill in the air.
But Carol wouldn’t back down. “I know you know about the garbage that was written on my garage, and I know you know who did it. I want you to tell me now, before I go to the police.”
“Get real; I don’t have to tell you anything. It seems to me that your mouth has got you into trouble again. I told you that you can’t go around talking about your religion without consequences. “But I ain’t afraid to tell you who wrote it. It was me. I am sick of your high and mighty attitude and your life, as if you haven’t done your fair share of things in the past.”
“Ah, Kevin can we come in and talk with you? I think I owe you an apology and I need to set some things straight.”
Kevin eyed them both before he motioned them both to come into the house.
“Your right, Kevin, I had done some things in my past that wasn’t cool, and I hurt some people during that time, but after I gave my heart to the Lord, I changed. That’s when I met Gracie. It was then I started going to Grace’s church which was about the time you started coming there too, right?”
“I remember, you couldn’t stop smiling and talking about your salvation and how much it meant to you. But you didn’t have to go home to a family like mine and everything I tried to tell them they threw it back in my face, and acted like I had a disease. I felt so lost and alone.”
“Did you try and talk to Pastor Mike, Kevin? You can’t do it on your own.”
“I did.” He told me I needed the Lord in my life, I could then overcome all things. I didn’t understand all this, I up and left. I wished I had stayed.”
“Kevin, would you like to do it now?” Grace asked him. “Believe me it works.” She smiled at the forlorn looking guy in front of her.
“I’ll give it a try,” half smiling to the two of them, as they bowed their heads.
A few minutes later, Kevin knew he had found Jesus too.
***********
The next day, laughing together as friends, they repainted Carol’s garage.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
Thanks for this wonderful story.
God bless~
1. You told the story. It would be more effective to show the story. Add feelings to the characters.
Carol sighed is generic. Perhaps, with frustration seeping deep within, Carol breathed a huge sigh of disgust.
2. Passive language rather than active language.
Good, Kevin was here.
Perhaps, a sense of relief sweeps over Carol when realizing Kevin in home.
You stayed with the theme. We have all been at the starting point and learn from others comments. Keep writing and work on the active, action wording - this will excite your readers to keep going to the last word.
It reads:
when realizing Kevin in home
It should read:
when realizing Kevin is home
In the fifth paragraph I think you meant "Carol grabbed"... "and headed". And in the next sentence one "but" is needed but you have two.
If you were to develop this into a longer short story, you might relate what Carol and Grace said to convince Kevin the Jesus was real and was in fact both LORD and Christ. When he accepted this as true, Kevin may shown his repentance by wanting to repaint the garage. All of you then might have gone back to the preacher where Kevin could have been baptized for the forgiveness of his sin.
You have a good starter for a short story.