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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Green (10/22/09)
Headlights directly in front of me. Trees to my left, and a vast canyon to my right. I have driven this road many times from Salida to Cotopaxie, Colorado, but never had I been expecting this. The logging truck swerved trying to miss hitting directly, but couldn’t turn fast enough. I slammed on my brakes, but what came next horrified me. Time seemed to stop. I heard the sound of crushing metal, and the sound of my baby girl screaming the back seat. Tires squealed on the wet road, and then, black. I jerked open my eyes expecting to see the mangled little body of my baby girl, but what I saw was quite different. Stars shot past me. I was flying through time and space. I looked down and all around, but saw nothing but a vast universe. Then, as soon as it began it was all over. I found my self next to a pond of an enormous size.
“Welcome.” Came a rich voice from behind me. I turned to see who it was that spoke and standing before me was a man dressed like a king. “Let us walk along side the pool.” He said. I knew in that instant I was standing in the presence of the Lord. He took my arm with his and we walked beside the green pool, like emeralds, shining in the sunlight, and starlight.
I thought, trying to find something to say. “Is my daughter here?” I asked the Lord, looking into his beautiful eyes.
“Not yet, but she will be. She will live and marry, and then, when my Father calls her home, you will join her.” It was a simple answer, but a simple question as well. I could think of nothing else to say, so we just walked. The field to our right was large, with a beautiful green forest on the far side. The smell gave me a pleasure I had not felt before. One of a peace that I had never had before.
“Is this heaven?” I asked Jesus, knowing that it must be, but not at all what was described to me from the Holy Word of God.
“No, it is not your time. Come and see.” He said, leading me by then hand to the green pool. “Look.” He outstretched His hand towards to pool.
I gazed in, seeing nothing at first, but then I could see into the night in Colorado. Paramedics and Firemen surrounded the Bronco II that I had been driving, pulling out a little girl. I recognized her immediately as Sarah, my beloved daughter. I saw the truck driver talking to the police, crying as he constantly looked over at a stretcher. On the stretcher I saw the body of a man; it was my body. “Is this what is happening right now?” I asked as I saw paramedics trying to revive my limp body.
“It is.” Jesus replied. “And now, it is your time to return. I will be waiting for you, for when my Father calls you home.” Jesus said, walking up to me and giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, starting to cry, when I woke up looking into the faces of three paramedics standing in the dark. I looked over at the truck driver, who seemed relieved that I was alive, and then to my little Sarah who was being taken to the hospital. That was all that I remember of that night, and of my walk with Jesus by the green pool.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Mark Bell
10/30/09
gripping. very real. you transitioned well from short sharp and quick in the opening to slow and easy going language in the middle. I'm not sure if I hope this was just a story or that you really had such an experience. nice job.
Marie Fink
10/30/09
Wow. This story had me riveted; I wanted more. Keep writing. It was comforting as a reader to know that the little daughter would grow up and be married. It's also comforting to know that, "When my father calls her home," will be her time as with all of us.
Laura Manley
10/31/09
This was a very interesting story. It would have been easier to read had you used double spaces between paragraphs. Also, I'm not sure it is possible to "squeal" tires on a wet road. Be sure to proofread carefullly to catch any words that might have been left out. Good story. Laura
Jan Ackerson
10/31/09
Good job with the pacing, especially in the beginning, with the deliberate fragments.

Be careful of cliches like "time seemed to stop"--many, many accidents have been described exactly that same way. As a good writer (and you ARE a good writer), you need to come up with fresh ways of expressing familiar situations.

This was well-done and reassuring.
Dan Blankenship
11/04/09
Good story. I dind't want to stop reading and I enjoyed every word.

May God keep you creating such treasures in His name.

Sincerely,
Dan Blankenship