Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Shopping (03/01/07)
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TITLE: A Long Day | Previous Challenge Entry
By Cathy Le Feuvre
03/05/07 -
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Gone was the excitement of the early morning as the crowd arrived and took its place. The hot sun beating on the tops of heads had long since defeated all but the most optimistic. A small voice broke the silence.
“Are we there yet, Mama ?”
“Not yet. But soon!”
“But when? I’m hungry!”
“Soon!”
Another slight shuffle forward.
Deborah looked down at her bare feet, caked in dust from the long walk and the waiting. Ahead of her the line of people stood patiently, heads bowed as if in prayer.
“Cover your head, Mary!” she pulled her daughter’s slipped scarf over her dark hair.
“But it’s hot, Mama!”
“The scarf will keep you cool. See, I have mine on? And I’m covering David’s head as well!”
In her arms her baby son lay sleeping. Beads of sweat on his brow showed he was also suffering in the heat but at least he was sleeping through it.
Another slight shuffle forward. One more person had done their ‘shopping’ for the day and was headed home.
Shopping.
Remember shopping? The market had heaved with juicy fruits, stalls laden with lush green vegetables, yams and maize, fresh coconut juice straight from the shell, green bananas, mango and sweet lychees.
Sitting cross-legged on a straw mat on the corner of Market Square, old Mama Saul had struck hard bargains. Three eggs for a pound? Or six? Five? Let’s settle on four! Four eggs in exchange for a pound sack of maize meal. A good deal!
Mid afternoon and a murmur floated up the line.
“What’s happening, Esther?” Deborah asked her neighbor.
“I’m not sure. Something. Wait. No, it can’t be?”
“What? What?” shouted a man behind them.
“Someone’s saying they’ve run out already.”
“Run out? What do you mean?”
Deborah’s heart sank. Please God. Not again.
“No. Wait! It’s fine. Someone’s just fainted! That’s all.”
“So there IS food?” the man’s voice echoed down the line.
The crowd sighed with relief, and shuffled forward.
“Must be. We’re still moving!”
“Mama, you’re hurting me!” Deborah looked down at Mary and realized that she was crushing the life out of her daughter’s small hand.
“Sorry. But remember Mary. Remember what I told you? If everyone starts to push forward you have to grab Mama’s hand and hold on really tightly. Remember?”
“Yes, Mama. Like that other time?”
“Like that other time, Mary. That’s right.”
There had been eggs in those days, eggs to barter with for Old Mama Saul’s sacks of meal. There had been chicken and goats and milk, and fields of corn enough to eat and store for the rainy season. What rain they had known! Heavy rain, that cooled the hot earth, rain that lasted for weeks and made rivers through the village. Rivers, which fed the fields and filled up the well.
Remember the well? How many hours had they spent drawing on the thick rope, hauling urns of clean clear water onto their heads, chatting and gossiping while the children sloshed in small puddles. Puddles. Remember puddles?
Another slight shuffle forward.
The depot was in sight. From the back of a large truck, five men were ladling scoops of meal and milk.
Another day. They would survive another day. She would have meal and milk to take home to her family. If they left immediately, after taking a little water from the bowser, they might be home before dark.
Tomorrow, perhaps, there would be rain and soon there would be green fields once more and fat goats and cows with udders heavy with milk.
“Are we nearly there yet?”
“Yes Mary, nearly there. Stay close!”
“Stay close!”
A small hand clung to the supermarket trolley piled high with boxes of cereal, cartons of milk, blueberry muffins, bread, joints of meat, frozen vegetables.
The mother sighed. She would be at least ten minutes getting to the checkout. She would hardly have time to unpack the groceries before her Bible Group would arrive for cake and coffee.
Cake. Should it be chocolate? Or fruit cake? Perhaps one of both!
What was it today? Matthew 15? A familiar story, the feeding of the five thousand. Or was it four thousand? She should check!
Jesus said: “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry.”(Matt 15 NIV)
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I'm afraid I'm left a bit puzzled by the ending - sorry to be obtuse.
Fantastic potential here - I can't see you in Level 1 for long.
You have a great imagination and ability to put in on paper. Keep writing and God bless.
I was a little uncertain about the setting for the main part of the story (wasn't sure if it was set in biblical times, or some other time in the past, or in the present). It was only when they reached the truck that I was able to bring it closer to the present. The supermarket scene brought it completely into today, but obviously in a different part of the world. Perhaps it would have helped to make the setting and time a little clearer at the beginning, so the reader doesn't end up being distracted trying to work that out.
Also, as some others have commented, the switch to the supermarket was a really sharp shift of gears. It needed something to either bridge into that, or very simply, just use this * * * to divide the two sections. That way, the reader will finder it easier to shift gears with you.
Only saying this because I see such potential. You're a very good writer, and I'm sure you'll do well as you keep honing your skill and rising to the Challenge.
With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator and Editor, FaithWriters' Magazine)