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Llama Lession 14 Llama Engineering and Applied Physics
by David Ian
04/06/09
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“Cabana Boy! This gate is locked!”

Princess Llama Ruby stamped her dainty foot impatiently, her fluffy pouffed top mop of hair falling perfectly around her face and eyes, as it does inherently for all self-styled Princess Llamas.

“Cabana Boy!” She stomped again.

“Uh, is that me?” Mr. George Llama peered around the shed corner. Mr. George is the stud in this particular pen of llamas, though “stud” is a more honorary title, seeing as he hasn’t shown much of an interest in any of the females with which he is penned. This is due mostly to an overwhelming obsession with all the females in the other stud’s pen. This is the “Principle of Unattainable Desire” which we covered in Llama Lesson #7, in which the prospects always look better in another llama stud’s pen, to the ultimate exclusion of one’s own.
Now, as for Mr. George and his females, “Gentle Caretaker” would be a more accurate title, although Princess Ruby calls him neither. Alternatively he is Cabana Boy, Pool Boy, Cabin Boy, Towel Boy or any other servitudinous name she may devise.

“Cabana Boy! Attend to us!”

“Ummm, us?”

“We have decided We want to go out today!”

“We have?”

Princess Ruby again huffed her impatience. “That is what We have decided.”

“When did we decide that?”

“Silly! “We” did not decide this. We did.”

“Ummmm.”

Princess Ruby Llama rolled her eyes in exasperation.

“When We say “We”, We mean “We”, not you and us.”

“Right. Uh, so you want to get out Miss Ruby?”

“That’s Princess Ruby to you. Yes. And We are locked inside this pen, and We want out. Make it so.”

“Uh, Okay.”

I was under the illusion that my clever fence building skills were more than a match for our docile llamas, but that was before Llama Engineering and Applied Physics came into play, and I found myself grieving with the Philosopher: and to the toil at which I had taken such pains, behold! all was vanity (1). It is now obvious that it is because they choose not to apply themselves that they stay within their pens. Of this arrangement that God has instilled in our fluffy fauna, I am now convinced.

Mr. George is a classic example. Easy going in a “Surfer-Dude” type manner, he would appear to be “dead-weight dumb” while plodding around the pen. The fact that he is content wherever he is (with exception to the females in the other stud’s pen) shows his advanced theology for life: My God will fully supply whatever you need, in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus(2).

The exception is when Princess Ruby exerts her will upon him. Then the path of least resistance is just to do as she says rather than take the huffing that would follow. So, on this particular day, Mr. George set his formidable, if rarely exercised, intellect against the laws of physics that surrounded him.

“Hmmmmm,” he stood, looking at the gate. “It would appear the gate designer is using a bungee cord and the principle of elasticity, lashing the cord around one post and attaching it to the lock mechanism on the gate. The cord has been stretched and secured, the elastic memory in the cord contracts to hold the gate shut.

Mr. George pondered some more.

“It stands to reason, then, that if enough force were pressed against the gate, the elasticity would expand instead of contracting, creating sufficient space between the gate and the post for egress. Hmmmm. Now where am I gonna find sufficient force?”

“CABANA BOY!”

“Yes, Miss er, Princess Ruby?”

“The Entourage wishes to go out, as well!”

“All the ladies? Okay, fine. Line up girls.” I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.(3)

And so Mr. George, using Mass x Velocity to create Momentum, albeit more mass than his molasses speed, put his chest to the gate, exerting his Force, and, actually doing some Work, pushed it forward, creating a space wide enough for Princess Ruby and her “Entourage” to prance out into the open fields.

“Well, they’re going, I might as well too,” and Mr. George plodded into the field as well.

And so Princess Ruby Llama got her whim, and Mr. George Llama got a quiet day grazing in the sun. That’s today’s Llama Engineering and Applied Physics Lesson for locked gates. Next time, we will discuss Llama Random Chaos Motion in the face of Confined Human Herding Theory.


(1) Ecclesiastes 2:11 NAB

(2) Philippians 4:19. NAB

(3) Philippians 4:13 NAB

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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