Seeking the Perfect Church (a fictional account we can all relate to, in one way or another)
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Seeking the Perfect Church
(a fictional account we can all relate to, in one way or another)
by Dan Blankenship
© 2007 Dan Blankenship
“Harold, sorry for calling so late, but I need to tell you about what happen tonight…at church. You ain’t gonna believe what Pastor Gatterson said ‘bout spanking kids.”
“Tom, it is after ten, can’t this wait till tomorrow?” Harold yawned into the phone.
“He said spankin’ kids ain’t the way we should be doing things today. Can you believe it? I ‘bout jumped out of the pew. Don’t he know ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ is what the Good Book says? I mean everyone knows that, right…right, Harold. He ought to know that, right?”
“Tom, please, do we have to go through this every Wednesday night? Why don’t you look for a new church?” Harold suggested.
“I been thinking ‘bout that…thinking real hard. And, well, I keep wondering if I’d find the right church.”
“The right church?”
“Yeah, I need to find a church with a Wednesday night service, and they got to only sing the old hymns. I also don’t want no youngsters runnin’ ‘round the sanctuary during service. They need to be in a classroom…big church ain’t where no one under twelve needs to be sittin’.”
“And they have to start off the service with the Lord’s Supper. That’s the right way to do it. And I don’t want to be badgered about joining any committees or focus groups or study groups. If people got that much time on their hands, they ain’t readin’ their Bible enough – simple as that.”
“Tom, are you hearing yourself? Wednesday night, old hymns only, no kids, Lord’s Supper first, no group involvement; you might as well buy some grape juice, some wafers, and watch one of those TV televangelists.”
“Excellent idea, Harold. I wonder if Pastor Gatterson would sell me one of those pews in the back, the ones nobody ever sits in. Why I bet one of those would fit in my living room…and….”
“Tom, I was kidding. The pastor is not going to sell you a…”
“And that religious store downtown, they got wafers…I can even pause my satellite feed, so if I got to run to the bathroom I won’t miss none of what the television preacher is saying, and I could send my tithes to…”
“Tom, can you stop for a moment?”
“Or maybe I could just collect the tithes for my own expenses…I mean I have to pay for the pew, the wafers, and upkeep of the living room…”
“Upkeep of the living room? Tom, have you lost your mind?”
“Harold, would you be interested in being a deacon here?’
“Okay, this is ridiculous! I’m going back to bed!”
“Oh, okay, Harold. Hey you still there?”
“Yes, Tom, I’m here for one more second, then my head is back on my pillow.”
“I just wanted to say thanks for finding me a new church. Well, that, and well…”
“Do you think I should pick out a name for my church and maybe apply for property tax exemption on my home?”
“Harold? You there? Hello? Hmmm…must of lost our connection.”
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