Humor
I keep on hearing about "Hipsters" but they seem to still be an elusive bunch to spot. Maybe they've got some sort of "secret handshake" or something so hipsters know each other but can still move about among normal folk. It's not like hipsters wear name badges or anything so when you are walking down the street they have a nice tag that says, "Hi, I'm a Hipster", or like there are any zoos or anything where a hipster can be seen in their natural environs so you can know how to spot hipsters in the wilds.
How does one become a hipster, anyway? Is there some sort of club or painful initiation rite or do you have to have one or both parents who were hipsters? Is it a genetic thing, a heritage thing, or is it like some religious cult where you get brainwashed into being a hipster after going to one of their social "get-togethers" with some cute person you thought was normal but turned out to be some nefarious hipster recruiter? And is there any going back? I mean, is it a sort of "once a hipster, branded for life" kind of thing, or will they hunt you down and bring you "back into the fold" if you try to disavow your hipster oath, or whatever.
Or maybe hipsters are some kind of alien invasion or something like the "Pod People" and people close to you will suddenly just turn into hipsters if they fall asleep near a pod, or perhaps people just turn into hipsters when there's a full moon like werewolves and then pack up with other hipsters and go rampaging across the bar scene, waking up the next morning not knowing what they've done, who they've been with, and not understanding they've just spent the night being a hipster.
Science has been falling woefully short on giving us answers to the "hipster problem". I haven't seen a single study or experiment or panel discussion concerning hipsters, their origins, how they have mutated or evolved apart from man, any real hard data to explain hipsters to any degree. And what about these nature scientists, haven't they been studying hipsters in the wild, their migratory and feeding habits, or even shooting hipsters with tranquilizer darts and giving them radio frequency collars and attaching metal ID tags to them.
What are they hiding? Why are these men of science dragging their feet in explaining hipsters? Maybe they are part of some mad experiment gone horribly wrong, or worse, some mad experiment gone horribly right and scientist have unleashed hipsters out into the world to work their horrid ends upon an unsuspecting populace.
Okay, now for the tough questions. When will they start issuing hunting licenses so we can legally start thinning out the herds of hipsters? I mean, I've been doing it for months just to keep the populations down in my local area, but I run the risk of getting run in for "hipster poaching", even if I've been doing it on my own property. Imagine. It's time we legalized this sort of thing, now, before we are neck-deep in hipsters, or they have converted your entire neighborhood. Would you want your doctor or pharmacist to become a hipster? Would you want your local clergy or personal therapist to be a hipster? What if the president becomes a hipster?
Shoot me now.
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