Marriage
Parents Should Avoid Even Constructive Criticism of Each Other in Front of Their Children
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Parents Should Avoid Even Constructive Criticism of Each Other in Front of Their Children
By Dan Blankenship
© 2006 Dan Blankenship
Having been married for eighteen years, I have learned a little bit about what works and what doesn’t work when trying to keep a marriage strong. Arguing, or as some might call it, loud discussions, in front of the children does nothing to strengthen a marriage or parenting skills.
Yes, arguing in front of the children is not always avoidable. There are going to be disagreements that come when removing the children from earshot is not feasible, such as when the family is on a road trip or in an unfamiliar location. But on most occasions, discussing serious issues that can cause emotional flare ups should be done without the children in the room.
Children, especially children ten and under, are still developing the simple interpersonal skills needed to carry on a conversation, relay their point of view on any given subject, and make a general argument in favor of their perspective. The last thing they need to learn from their parents is that anger and criticism should be part of their debating strategy.
Now, I am well aware that another solution to this problem is for parents to never criticize each other or raise their voices. Excuse me for saying this out loud, but exactly what planet are you living on? Spouses have disagreements, and they can get loud, and they can get ugly. That is only disputable in a very small number of homes throughout the world, and this column is not for that group anyway. This column is being written for those who think belittling each other in front of the children has no affect on the little ones. I am here to tell you it does.
My children are now teenagers, and as we discuss the past sixteen years, some of the memories that are most imbedded in their minds are the times their parents argued in front of them. They remember arguments that I have long since forgotten about, which is not something I am proud of.
Proverbs 1:5-6 (NIV) says: “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance – for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.” And as God’s wisdom becomes a bit clearer in my life, I believe I am commanded by the scriptures to share such information with others.
In the same way Paul, Silas and Timothy shared their lives with the people of Thessalonica (see 1 Thessalonians 2:8 NIV) in order to advance the Kingdom of Heaven, so should all men and women share the Godly wisdom that has been shown to them. Sharing wisdom and advice with others demonstrates our love for our spiritual family.
So while the advice I offer parents is the result of my own shortcomings and quite an embarrassing lesson, I feel that to not sound a warning to other parents would be a rejection of God’s direct commandment to love my neighbor. Just because I learned an important lesson the hard way, I do not feel that others need to make the same mistake.
Marriage is a huge commitment for two individuals to make. The child does not get to choose his parents. And that child should not have to be subjected to verbal sparring matches between the two most important people in his life.
I recommend that when parents see a “serious” conversation in the works, a location away from the children should be decided upon. Take the kids to grandmas, let them play in the backyard, or allow them to visit a friend. This may even give couples time to cool off before a discussion takes place.
The next step is to realize that constructive criticism can be delivered without the harshness it is usually packaged in. And trust me, I used to wrap that gift in fancy paper before I realized the long term effects of such a delivery.
Marriage is tough work. Don’t drag children into the tidal waves that crash on our doorsteps now and then. And use Godly wisdom whenever it is offered.
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"Marriage is a huge commitment for two individuals to make. The child does not get to choose his parents. And that child should not have to be subjected to verbal sparring matches between the two most important people in his life. " --- Amen and amen! Thanks. Thomas
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