Women
Spiritual Autobiography
By Jackie O’Neal
The renowned Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung once wrote: “Life begins at forty.”
I feel my own life is a testament to Jung’s notion.
Why? At forty, I married my wonderful husband, Mason O’Neal
and inherited a beautiful family consisting of ten new
children which included my mother-in-law, beloved and now
deceased since April 8, 2006. Father Harvey of St. Augustine’s
parish in NYC spoke these kind words about her in his
beautiful Eulogy: “Hattie lived her life close to the altar.”
He was referring to her many years of service on St.
Augustine’s Altar Guild and her work maintaining clergy
vestments and Church linens at Trinity Church in NYC.
I mention this personal reflection here to answer the
question: Where was God during my marriage to Mason? God was
strongly operating in my life at that time and I came to
understand God’s unconditional love through living with my new
family and enjoying the close family relationships, but
especially learning to be more loving by the example of my
loving mother-in-law and husband. Being with these two
beautiful people, I learned to relax and be happy.
In addition, I believe I was inspired by Hattie to also live
my life “close to the altar” as she did. I have realized her
influence upon me very strongly after her death, as I had a
chance to reflect more, particularly on Father Harvey’s
words: “she lived her life close to the altar.”
My life began at forty in the sense that I was confirmed in the
Episcopal Church during my early 40’s as well.
In my early adulthood, I had the misfortune of two early
divorces which I will elaborate upon later in this narrative.
My thirties were a period of self-actualization and continued
growth as I developed my career as a teacher and finished my
Post graduate studies at Sarah Lawrence College’s Writing
Program. I also struggled as a single mother. I say struggled
because I attempted to be both Mother and father to my son.
Later, I learned it was an impossible task to undertake.
Only God posses the qualities to be our Father and Mother as
St. Julian teaches us: “As truly God is our Father, so truly
God is our Mother.”
A human mother cannot encompass the wisdom and insight that the
unenviable role of mother and father requires, hence by
combining some of the rigidity of my own parents with nurturing
and protection that came naturally, this did not produce the
best balance, or help me to be a tranquil mother. Why? I was
overwhelmed trying to be all things to my son. And he too,
was overwhelmed equally with my drive to do and be everything
all at once.
Luckily, I was young and resilient and had enough time to
bounce back and learn to do my part only and allow others to
help. I was doubly fortunate to marry Mason when my son was 23
and allow Mason to take on the role of father. Since then my
need to have all the right answers and do all the right things
in connection with family, has been greatly alleviated. I
enjoy now the collaboration we share as parents to 11
children. Since I did not have positive early marriages, this
element was missing during my early years.
Let me now move on and elaborate. I have been asked to
-
write my lifestory to reflect on the key events of my life
seeking to explain and understand the total picture. In
addition, considering the questions: Where was God? What have
I learned through the hardships or some of the difficulties
and the triumphs as well.
Were there times I was shutting God out? How has my image of
God changed? How will my marriage be used as a witness to the
Church?
I would like to begin by reminding you again that I have been
married to Mason O’Neal for the last 8 years. When I married
Mason, he was the father of ten children, so he embraced my
son, Shem as his 11th child. We are now a loving and blended
family brought together by God’s love.
I am the mother of 11 children. The oldest is 44 and the
youngest is 18. When I married Mason, we lived together with 3
of Mason’s boys and my son- that equals 4 sons- they are all my
sons. I raised those four boys- the rest of the children were
already grown and living on their own. I usually proudly
discuss my four sons: Matthew, Michael, Kirk and Shem. I
directly influenced and raised them, lived with them, went
through ups and downs with them and we have grown very close
over the years. As far as my son Kirk is concerned, I am the
only mother he has since his mother passed away when he was
five. Where was God? I believe the Lord brought all these
beautiful children ages 18-44 into my life to show me concrete
examples of His love and to allow me to care for others each
and every day. In addition, to serve Him in the role of
mother. I also have been given the great honor of being a
grandmother of 20. The family is growing. I know the Lord
wanted me to put my mothering skills to work in my family. God
was instrumental in orchestrating my unique and wonderful
position as a mother of a large family- a true matriarch!
I’m happy to say, I deal with many situations all the time:
graduations (three of my grandchildren are now in college: Sean
at Purdue University, Assantua at The University of
Pennsylvania, and Nicole at The University of Indiana) new
births, marriages and so forth. I joined a service where I
can send out cards online because we have events just about
every month and it helps us stay organized and not leave anyone
out. Just recently, two of my daughter-in-laws had a
birthday on the same day! I feel Mason and I have done an
outstanding job with our family because first of all, Mason is
a trained therapist and this helps to iron out any problems
when they occur in the form of misunderstanding s and so
forth. I am highly organized and probably run my family like a
business using tools I pick up like the Send Out Cards that
helps me reach out more expediently. I also set up a family
toll free number should anyone get stranded somewhere without a
cell phone and need to get a hold of us. I originally set it
up when my mother-in-law fell ill so the rest of the family
located in four different time zones, could get updates easily
and I wanted to save them money too. We believe in staying
touch, so I love to find new ways to do that in the most
expedient way possible. In large families, these kinds of
actions are important and I have to say, I enjoy working with
large groups. I come well trained with my experiences as a
classroom teacher teaching a roster of 150 students for nearly
10 years. I believe it must have been my training ground.
The Lord provided many early experiences for me to prepare for
my life’s work as the mother of many.
I am expected here to reflect on the difficulties I may have
encountered in raising four boys as I said earlier- the sons
that lived with us; Matthew, Kirk and Michael. I learned never
to give up no matter how hopeless a situation may seem. There
is always hope and light ahead. I learned not get stuck and
move on fast. Sometimes the boys did not all get along, but
with enough pep talks and nurturing eventually, they learned
to be more tolerant of any “creative differences” they may have
had. I’ve learned to be present in the lives of my children
to offer input when needed, or help them get over rough spots.
For instance, my sons always needed my input in being more
organized and they learned from to stay on top of things, not
give up.
Now, returning to my early marriages, I had two of them- one of
them – the first resulted in the birth of my son, Shem. The
first marriage gave me family. The second marriage was an
attempt to form a new family after my first divorce. As a
young, dedicated, hardworking parent, I wanted to find a
suitable father figure for my son. That hardship taught me to
persevere and not lose hope. I did not lose hope because I
re-married at age forty and finally settled into a beautiful
marriage. I felt God was actively leading me forward
inspiring me to continue to work hard and accomplish my goals
in finishing my Post-graduate work, and continuing my teaching
practice.
I enjoyed caring for my young family, but sadly my first
husband had a serious substance abuse problem and refused to
get help. I was devastated, but needed to move forward for the
sake of my son and my sanity. I experienced God as a friend
throughout it all- someone I could talk to, ventilate even if I
had to. My earlier images in childhood may have been more of
a faraway and inaccessible God- up in Heaven somewhere, but
that image has radically changed for me as I see God as a dear
friend I can talk to about everything in my life.
I’ve been to asked to explain how my marriage will serve as a
witness to the Church. I’d like to clarify something very
important you need to know- in case you are under the
impression that my marriage is interracial. I did a lot of
research on this at The Schomburg Center in Harlem, NYC and
explored my African roots through research and many documents
and books I read. I even ran into Al Sharpton while I was
there! It was very exciting. I learned through my research
that many of the ports in Argentina { my birthplace} were huge
slaves ports which brought in slaves from Nigeria. I did an
extensive amount of research to learn that I am a descendant of
Nigerian slaves that were brought to Buenos Aires. I have
established my African roots and identify very strongly with
African-American life and culture.
My marriage can serve as a witness of hope, love and strong
family values to the Church. We are a loving, dedicated
couple and empathetic with families and many diverse cultural
groups by virtue of the composition of our family’s ethnic
identity. Some of my children and grandchildren are Muslim.
I believe God is a creative God- who gave me many gifts and a
creative approach to my life.
I’ve learned to appreciate the diversity of God’s people.
Genetically, I represent the world- African, European and
Indigenous roots. To me, the total picture encompasses seeing
and appreciating the family of man.
Amen+
Jackie O’Neal
[email protected]
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