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THE OPENING
Alaska is cold this time of year. So they say. I don't let it bother me none.
This is a beautiful land! How did it come to be? How did anything come to be? Oh well, some things you just ain't meant to know.
I used to enjoy the company of other people. But when I reached back to pull one last knife out of my back, I decided that I'd had enough. I knew a lot about prospecting and living off the land from my old man. He was mostly a trapper. He wasn't overly affectionate toward my brother and me but he taught us what we needed to know to stay alive. And that's a lot. I guess.
Ma died when I was young. Or run off. Who knows? Who cares? I left town one night to visit a girl I'd met at a dance. I was right smitten' with her. But when I went to look her up it turns out she'd run off to get married to some rich man in California. One of those mail-order romances, they told me. The look on her father's face was one of relief. He had other mouths to feed and the cash would help. When I mentioned the girl's name the look on her mother's face was as sad as any I've ever seen. What was her name? Danged if I can recall. But anyhow, when I got back to town I found out my brother had been killed by a drunk who wandered out of a saloon and just started blastin'. Tom got in the way. A hero's death from what I hear. Tom was trying to get to the drunk before he shot some woman or kid. Now he's dead, and I sure do miss him. They lynched the drunk. Saved me the trouble of slittin' his cursed throat.
Paps had already been dead for several years. I was real alone. A couple of friends here and there but not real ones, if you know what I mean.
It's quiet out here. Still. Peaceful. Too peaceful sometimes. But I've gotten pretty used to that. You get that way after a while. I don't need nobody and nobody don't need me. Hey, that sounds like some song they'd play down at the honky-tonk, don't it? But who's ever gonna listen to any song that I'd write? The wolves, maybe. Right before they chewed up my worthless bones.
This is a funny winter. The ice ain't right. Too soft in some spots. You gotta walk real careful or you could get tricked. Old Paps fell in once and got trapped under the ice. He used to scare me and Tom half out of our wits when he'd tell us about it. "Don't you ever fall in, boys. It almost killed me. I got out but I didn't have half a tick to spare. I don't know how I found that opening but I thought, "Oh God, I'm gonna die down here," and I reached up and there it was. The opening." That was about the only time I ever heard Paps mention God. He never cursed Him like a lot of men do but he never talked about Him either. It was kind of like, "You go about Your business God and I'll go about mine." Until the end, that is.
Paps was fixin' to die. He was lyin' in that hotel room coughin' up blood and hurtin' so bad that it made you wanna' cry just to look at him but the doctor said there was nothin' more could be done and it was all about up anyway. The doc didn't even hang around. Just me and Tom was there. And the hotel-keeper's wife. She was the closest thing I ever knew to an angel, if'n there was such things. She cooled his brow and cleaned up by him and tried to comfort him. I guess her husband just gave up on yellin' at her to get the other work done, 'cause she just said, "No, this time I got something more important to do." More important to do! What was Pa to her? She didn't know him from a prairie dog. Those people had just moved to town a few months before. She sat by Paps and asked him if he wanted to hear her read from the Bible. I didn't even know what one looked like. Though I'd heard about 'em somewhere. Paps must have heard about 'em too 'cause he shook his head up and down, real sincere like. It wasn't just that nice lady, it was somethin' else, somethin' in my Pa that wanted to hear from that Book. The room got real quiet. "The Lord is my Shepherd," . . . beautiful words. I never heard nothin' like it. Pa started cryin'. I thought I was gonna fall out when I saw that. I'd never seen Paps cryin' before. Then she started readin' other stuff about Jesus and a cross and Him a dyin' and doin' it for Paps and gettin' his name written in some book and oh, all kinds of stuff, I can't remember the half of it. Tom was listenin' to all this too. Real hard. I saw him wipin' at his eyes more than once. But Pa! What was goin' on? He was cryin' like a baby. The toughest man I ever knew. I never saw him back down from nothin', man or beast, and this lady had him a sobbin' like an old woman at a funeral. Then she asked Pa if he was ready to go. If he was ready to move on to the next world. I'll never forget what Paps said 'cause it took me so much by surprise. He said, "I am now Ma'am. I just asked this Jesus of yours to help me get there." "Then He has," she said. "Then He has."
Pa didn't last long after that but when he went he looked more peaceful than I know I ever saw him look. And the lady looked at me and Tom and said, "It's all right boys, your Pappy's in heaven." Then Tom started bawlin' and thanked the lady and she left. I thought it was all crazy, I didn't know what to make of it. All I knew was, I missed my Pa.
Oh man, that's the biggest rabbit I've seen in two weeks. I gotta quit daydreamin' and get me a clear shot. If I run over yonder just a bit I'll be able to . . . Oh God, God in heaven, I forgot about the ice. Oh God, Paps warned me, how could I be so stupid? Can't hardly breathe, man I sucked down a lot a' water, I can't even think straight. I gotta get outta here fast. I can't breathe! Oh God, I'm sorry. Oh God, please help me. Somebody help me. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus . . .
I don't know what happened next. I was layin' up on the bank. There wasn't no humans around and there wasn't no human tracks. I sure didn't pull myself outta there. I guess I just gotta figure that Jesus saved me. I kept callin' His Name, then I passed out. He must have sent angels or somethin'. That lady said somethin' to Paps about how He came to save us all. Now I'm beginnin' to understand. I've heard tell about miracles, I didn't know I was gonna end up bein' one. I walked for miles after that, soakin' wet and half dead but I knew where I was goin' and nothin' was gonna stop me from gettin' there. And I finally did. My new friends tell me it was by the grace of God, whatever that is. It was a church that I knew about but I'd stayed clear of. There was singin' goin' on. I could hear it a long ways off. I stumbled towards the door. That singin' was so sweet, I could more than just hear it. I could taste it. I could feel it deep inside of me. Somethin' about, "Saved a wretch like me." I went in and they looked like they'd seen a ghost. A bunch of 'em came to help me and a few others just kept right on singin' and shoutin' and carryin' on to beat the band. See, they knew who I was, they couldn't believe I'd walked in a church, half dead or not. They got me heated up by the stove and some lady brought me some soup. And I looked up and this time it was her who was cryin'. It was the lady from the hotel. Then it was like a dam burst inside of me and I weeped out all the bad stuff and the poison from my life and I let a whole lot of good stuff start comin' in. 'Cause they told me all about the One who saved me in that lake but He saved me another time too. When He hung on that cross. I think I'm gonna like my new friends. They sure love this Jesus fella.
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