Testimonies
One day in spring Carrie asked, “Mom, will you go to heaven when you die?”
“I hope so,” I answered a little agitated. This was her first year in school and I wondered what they were teaching my two little girls. It wasn’t only her question but also the Bible songs they had started to sing that irritated me. Although I had decided to put them in a Christian school because I didn’t want them to believe in evolution, I did not want them to become religious fanatics. I began to contemplate placing them in public school close to home.
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In the summer the girls often asked to ride on the big truck with their dad when he delivered road machines locally.
On the 14th of July, Jenny decided to spend the weekend with her grandparents while Carrie stayed at home. Something plagued Carrie on Saturday evening. She became somber and withdrew. I saw her sit in a corner, holding her head.
“What’s wrong, honey?”
“I don’t know, Mom, I’m afraid. I feel like something is wrong,” she said.
I held her and assured her nothing was wrong and she calmed down. But she was not her usual self. Sunday was a quiet day and by late afternoon, she became more agitated and fearful. She finally walked around holding her head. I asked her again what was wrong.
“I worry about Jenny. It feels like she is going to drown in Grandpa’s pool,” she said.
“Jenny is a good swimmer, she won’t drown. Here,” I handed her a phone. “Call her and you’ll see that she’s all right.”
Carrie felt somewhat relieved to hear her sister’s voice, and in the evening, Jenny came home.
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On Monday morning the two girls went off with their dad in the big truck to deliver a machine, and by 9 am, a terrible accident took Carrie’s life.
Sorrow and grief became our daily bread as the three of us grappled with our tragedy. Carrie’s dad had been charged with the accident, and his guilt feelings and self-loathing reflected on and tore at our marriage. The church that connected to the school sent a pastor to our home to comfort us and explain that Carrie now resided in heaven. He explained how we could also make sure of our salvation. In our desperation we prayed the sinner’s prayer and on the following Sunday, six of us, including my parents and brother, were baptized.
We attended church regularly, supported by our new church family, and I became involved in the evangelistic outreach in the church. Through my testimony people came to Christ, and the more I worked in the church, the more hopeless my home-life felt. We never spoke Carrie’s name because we couldn’t bear to face our sorrow and we didn’t have the ability to comfort each other.
The gulf of separation widened with time, culminating in a short vacation at a friend’s home where we both realized simultaneously that our marriage had come to an end.
On mornings when I took Jenny to school, I invariably stopped by at the cemetery and emptied myself of my tears. Carrie’s words echoed in my heart. Was I sure I was going to heaven? No!I knew getting baptized wasn’t going to get me there, I had been baptized as an infant and it did nothing for me. All that kept me from wanting to commit suicide was the thought of Jenny and my husband: they needed me.
Then came the morning!
I was coming home from driving Jenny to school. The eastern sky hung heavy with scattered clouds but a bright spot promised that the sun would break through. My heart felt heavier than usual until I couldn’t contain my feelings. “God, I don’t want any more of this, not the good nor the bad, I give it to you. Take my life, I don’t want any more of it.” My heart found rest in an unspoken promise of something good.
At that moment the sun broke through in its full glory and streams of light flowed over the land. I was taken a back to the memory of sunlight streaming through the old Cathedral windows of my childhood church. Peace flooded my heart as I drove home.
My salvation happened in a moment, like a new-born infant, I was born again that morning into the eternal family of God. As with any infant, the nurturing and protection had already been established in the church and as I grew, I began to understand the word of God, and to apply it to the healing of my wounded heart.
Ph. 1:6 "Being confidant of this very thing, that he which has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Amen."
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