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Instead of disagreeing with my mother, I left home. Adding up over the years were too many things I didn’t agree with and couldn’t talk about. Alternatively, I would try talking about them and it would become an argument. So I kept it inside. I bottled it up!
I wasn’t taught how to handle disagreement nor did I know that the Bible taught us how to handle disagreement. What I had noticed is that whenever I disagreed with someone’s opinion they would become angry and it would often result in an argument. I didn’t like arguing so I would just not say anything. I kept my opinions to myself and in effect ran away from having a confrontation.
It was a pattern developing. That experience taught me that the best way to handle disagreements was to run (bury my head in the sand). That was my understanding. Otherwise, I would be at risk of disrespecting my elders/ leaders and losing friends or becoming an estranged family member/relative.
Over the years I concluded that running is not the best option. It leads to a life of isolation. And feeling lonely when you are part of such a wide network of people just didn’t seem right. I began to evaluate. I looked at how I saw things happening around me and recognised what worked and what didn’t.
I have stopped running. I found the answer and I began to have healthy conversations with those whose arguments I disagreed with. I have now learnt to agree to disagree and continue on my journey. I have peace within and I love it that way. There is a joy I never knew before. It is overflowing within my heart and it spills over in my voice and leaves a smile on my face.
This joy is a consequence of the love of Christ within me which ignites the peace I now feel and finds me being more patient with those who have not yet discovered true love which brings the peace they long for. I now pray for those individuals and wait on the Lord to complete the work He started in them as He continue to work on the lacking areas in my life.
So how do we deal with disagreements?
- Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself; and discover not a secret to another. — Proverbs 25:9
The first part of the verse is making us aware that the first thing we must do is go to the individual that we have an issue with. It is for us to discuss that issue with the person concerned and try to come to an understanding/agreement. The person is then given an opportunity to justify their case or make amends. The second part of the verse confirms this in stating that we should not go to anyone, other than the individual in question and share that problem, otherwise we move into the category of a troublemaker or gossiper as stated in Proverbs 16:28 which states, ‘A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends.’
When we practise this principle outlined in Proverbs 25:9, I believe it is the beginning of understanding the verses that says, ‘love covers all’ (Proverbs 10:12 and 1 Peter 4:8) as well as the beginning of understanding how to deal with conflict.
This method I believe works in any relationship. However, there are specific instructions when correcting a fellow believer which includes the above and how to deal with the situation should that individual refuse to be corrected:
- “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. — Matthew 18:15-16
I believe that is self-explanatory so I won’t try to add to that. However, I would like to point out that in treating the believer as a pagan does not mean to cut them off and have nothing to do with them as I’ve often heard some people suggest. What it refers to is stated in verses 21-35 of the said chapter which then brings the unbeliever back into the equation. Therefore, point 3 gives further instructions on how to deal with disagreement with the unbeliever:
- Forgive! Forgive! Forgive!... Not once, twice or three times then stop but recurring…see Matthew 18:21-35 below, relating the story of the ‘Unforgiving Debtor’ quoted from the New Living Translation:
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone[i] who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven![j]
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him.
24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.[k]
25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.[l] He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened.
32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me.
33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’
34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters[m] from your heart.”
_____________________________________________________________
***Notes as per Bible Gateway dot com:
h.18:20 Greek gather together in my name.
i.18:21 Greek my brother.
j.18:22 Or seventy-seven times.
k.18:24 Greek 10,000 talents [375 tons or 340 metric tons of silver].
l.18:28 Greek 100 denarii. A denarius was equivalent to a laborer’s full day’s wage.
m.18:35 Greek your brother.
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