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You've gone out of your way for someone. Perhaps to lend a helping hand, perhaps to loan them money. But the helping hand is not shown appreciation, and the money is never repaid. They even get to the point where they expect you to pick up the tab, and conveniently forget their wallet, among other things. They have taken advantage of your generosity. How do you deal with this situation?
Giving isn't wrong, but the world is, unfortunately, filled with people who will see your good will as something to be taken advantage of, rather than appreciated, to the extent where it not only becomes harmful to you, but also to them. As the Bible says in Psalm 37:21, "The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously." When you give, it's because you want to, and ultimately, so that people can help themselves. This doesn't include taking advantage or mooching.
I have a friend -- we'll call her Anna -- who took on a roommate -- we'll call him Mark --who was supposed to maintain his job, help clean around the house, supposed to get food stamps and help with food. He had to be browbeaten into doing these things, and still, sometimes, he didn't do them at all. Mark was supposed to pay his keep every month, but it was always piecemeal never in full when Anna needed it to be. The last two months, he didn't pay her at all, and was asked to leave. Anna still tried to get the money owed, but Mark never acknowledged her requests. Mark had taken complete advantage of Anna's generosity.
One of the sharpest tools in the manipulator's toolbox is guilt, and they have it honed to a razor's edge. They have a host of reasons why you should continue being endlessly generous, from making you feel ashamed for not sharing your good fortune, to questioning whether you really are, in fact, the good friend that they thought you were. They'll lay on the guilt about all the rewards you've reaped for your hard work, and will even feel entitled to it. They'll turn the tables and lay blame on you for being tightfisted with your money.
If they didn't start taking advantage of your generosity from the beginning of the relationship, you may have unintentionally trained them to be this way. When you endlessly give to a manipulator, your generosity becomes a habit -- for them -- and they expect you to keep endlessly giving. In a sense, you've conditioned them to always receiving -- but never giving -- because you do it continuously. You must realize you have no obligation to those who never provide for themselves.
If this person can get you to feel guilty, they're booked on a free ride. Guilt trips often sound like this: "If you really cared about me, you'd do me this favor," "If you were more understanding, you'd help me out," and the ace in the hole, "If you were a true friend, you'd lend me the money."
Another tactic for inducing a guilt trip is telling you what you wouldn't do, such as, "I knew you'd never start dating him without telling me first." This implies that you won't make a single decision without obtaining the manipulator's opinion first. This behavior is used to send you into the realm of "should," instead of standing up for your own personal values.
Another form of manipulation of your generosity is an all-encompassing assumption statement communicating that they don't take you seriously or treat you as a whole person. Instead, they try superimposing how they'd like you to behave -- so that it benefits them, not you. They'll say things like, "I wish you'd understand how difficult it is for me, after all the things I've done for you." The trick in the assumption statement is that there is no question asked, because it causes the user to lose control of a situation.
In the arsenal of the user are also mind games of what they claim other people would do in the same situation. "Dick, Jane and Sally are the type of people who would gladly give me the money," is a statement that makes you appear stingy compared to just about everyone else -- even if you have a history of generosity. It implies that other people would act more appropriately than you -- and even that you're a bad person. Don't cave to this kind of trickery.
When a manipulator claims everything is unfair and pretends they're falling to pieces, they're really trying to play upon your sympathy. They'll exude a sense of helplessness to convince you to rescue them. They may have other people they can go to, but they choose you because your generosity is easy to take advantage of. They may say things like, "You're the only one I have to turn to for this money," or "I have no one else to turn to for this money but you." Beware of this form of using your generosity -- and your sympathy -- to their advantage.
Then there are the manipulators who'll resort to emotional outbursts in order to play dirty with your emotions. Because you're a generous person, you possibly are also a sensitive person, and instead of appreciating that sensitivity, the manipulator will perceive it as a weakness to use to their advantage. They may resort to a sob story, crying, bullying, or even throwing a tantrum to demonstrate how needy they supposedly are, and how insensitive you are to those needs. They're testing your boundaries, and may end up pushing them more in their favor that you would have liked, out of a sense of guilt.
Despite all of their external bravado, manipulators are actually very weak people who seek situations where they can be the one in power and in control. They will display more care and affection toward you than anyone else in order to attain your trust and assure that you're comfortable with them. This tactic makes you become dependent upon them, ensuring that you will give in to whatever they later demand.
Another manipulator's mind game is that they get you to the point where you're so accustomed to doing what they tell you to do that you willingly and agreeably do anything they ask of you, no matter how outrageous the demands.
One of the lowest tactics on the user's totem pole is utilizing love as a bargaining device. This type of manipulator may employ phrases such as, "If you loved me, you'd lend me the money," "I know you love me, so you'll give me this loan," and "Because I love you, I know you'll give me the money I need." These statements aren't based upon love at all. They're merely meant to trick you into doing what the manipulator wants from you -- again, playing upon your sense of guilt -- and misguided loyalty.
This type of behavior can happen between married couples, as well as between friends. When this form of trickery is used, the manipulator will try to make you feel indebted to them -- that you owe them something, and that if you don't provide it, you're somehow lacking in character.
When a manipulator has sucked your generosity dry, they will leave you and move on to another unsuspecting target. It's an unfortunate situation, but they're doing you a favor by getting out of your life.
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Other younger brother is very good and balanced relationship too. Money is never an isue.
However.......The brother 3 years older than I am......is a disaster. He has wife who works and two daughters, but he is terrible terrible with money but wants the good life. So.....who does he call up and cry to with such and such problem at least 3 times in the past? His younger brother, me!! He is terrible and manipulative as heck. The classic......Tries to appear and come across to others as the Nice/Sweet/Caring guy. But underneath it when he wants his way.......it is all an act. Nice Exterior......extremely insensitive mean manipulative interior. Parents gave him almost everything he wanted and mom/dad never held him accountable. All 7 of us children were blessed by our parents..........but the two older brothers sort of learned maladaptive behaviors to continue it later in life................we other 5 built on what good we had.......The two older seem to at times find ways to build on what others have in life........They want more than they can carry the load on their own backs.
............The real nightmare that still bothers me a lot now, about 5 years after he did it, I live out of the US a lot of the year but still had a condominium in CT. When mom and sister died, I tried to do a good thing for the entire family and offered that brother and his wife use of my condo for a week in the summer just so long as they paid for percentage of the monthly electric bill.
....Okay, for starters............he keeps calling me up complaining that the air conditioning ( he was staying in August) was not cool enough for his liking. He gets use of very nice condo........but rather than behave like a well-mannered house guest........He bitches and moans to me like I am the front desk receptionist at a hotel. Horrendously rude and inconsiderate......
.....Very disruptive of the rest of my daily life. I told them if they were not satisfied with the accommodations?.......then the two of them should just leave and get the heck out of my condo. They should go to a hotel or anywhere else.....I am not interested in trying to be generous any longer.
......Because I told them where the door keys are kept hidden out back......I told him so he could get in during initial invitation. I thought I could trust him.
...........About a year later I was back home for awhile in my own condominium and went up into my attic. I start sort of just poking around some of the storage items I keep up there such as Christmas decorations, etc.
I move one box out of the way and notice a medium-sized electronic keyboard. I think to myself Wow, where did this come from? I wonder if maybe the previous owners left it up there when they moved.
Then I find another electronic keyboard, then some winter boots that were not mine. Plus some other stuff hidden behind storage items.
Then? I find a guitar and guitar case under one of my beds.......
How did all this stuff be hidden in my own home when none of it was mine? The musician brother hid all his stuff in my condo before he left..........He wanted free storage for his stuff..............I obviously figured out his plan was........when He knew that I would be out of the country again......................He or friend of his would go to my condo, get the door key hidden out back that I trusted telling him about.................He would sneak back inside condo and gather all his personal belongings he had hidden...........He would do a Breaking and Entering crime against his own brother.
When I confronted him on this his behavior became even worse. It is the type of stuff that would turn your stomach........but unfortunately true. So, so, so abusive and manipulative. He is a Con Man.
He got emotionally close enough to me to induce me to telling him that I had taken the guitar and case to keep at a very close personal friends house.
Then Pat, went through all past email strings because sometimes I included the friend in the emails.
Then, Pat went through all the old emails and located the friends email address. Then, all on his own without asking me anything at all, Pat emails the friend and talks friend into bringing Pat the guitar.
That Pat, could not have ever, ever, ever been more opposite of what I thought brotherhood and manhood are about.
Rather than Having My Back........like I was clearly trying to do by offering him and trusting him to stay at my condo while I was away..
He....Goes Behind MY Back..........Not just one time hiding all his stuff for later break in retrieval.........I foil that part of his plan.................But then? He suckers me in again with his false sincerity.....enough to find out where the guitar was...........And Then, He goes behind my back once again to find friends email address in prior emails.
He language and so much more where so abusive and psychological torture. He finally after getting what he was after.......sent an email apology.......But never ever tried to ask me what he could do to make it up to me....
He did the Apology just so he would look good in front of other family. For a fact, if I had not uncovered what he had hidden in my attic......He would have eventually snuck back in and would have lived that lie for the rest of our lives................He would have been so pleased with himself for putting it over on his younger brother.
I have been extremely upset ever since and told others in family that I would never ever interact with Pat again for the rest of my life.
Oldest brother Ed did something extremely hurtful too. My sister Monica who died two months after my mother did in 2017 ( both had huge genetic brain ceasures with the past few years and eventually did not survive. When my mom died, I think it was too much for my sister in her conditions...........so I think that was the final straw that ended my sisters will to live..........she wanted to join her mother in heaven).
Monica is two years older than me. She was about 60 when she died and I was age 58. My closest age relative in my life. I make furniture and things for a hobby and used to like to make things and give to people as gifts.
Monica and I had a true sibling brother/sister love relationship forged over the many years out of respect admiration, and appreciation.
In my late teens I built Monica cedar chest for storing whatever she wanted to put into and keep.
She really liked it and meant a lot to her all of her life. It was extremely significant to me as well as the relationship between us. The Cedar Chest was symbolic......plus highly practical use....
Then what happens when she died? Brother in law does everything a great guy like him does and the most convenient thing he could do after sister died and he sold their house.....
He gets the chest to oldest brother Ed in Maine. What does Ed proceed to do? He says he is just keeping it for himself to use. He refused to even thank me for making it for her, money I spent on it, fact I poured my Heart and Soul into it to make my sisters life just a little bit happier.
I 100 percent believe the appropriate behavior was for Ed to say Thank You to me for all I did for our deceased sister...............and then simply honor my rightful request to have the cedar chest I made, for that sister, put into my possession.
All Ed would have to do is put the chest in his car sometime when he travels south from Maine and drop it of to me or somewhere.....or send it via a shipping service such as UPS...........
But will he ??? No!!!..........He says it is for him!!!!
Absolute terrible two people. I also bend way over backwards buying Ed other things. He also stole at least 3 very significant gifts to me from my parents when younger. They gave me a rowboat, a chainsaw, replica steam engine for Christmas and birthday.
When Ed , who is 5 years older than me, graduated from college, without ever asking me or anyone else he took rowboat, chainsaw, steam engine, plus other items with him to Maine....
He is an out and out arrogant, entitled, dishonest, abusive bully.
He still has steam engine but believes it is never up to him for him to return it to me.
The two older brothers have just gorged themselves on my own generosity. They have used the heck out of my emotions, my hard work, my earning and giving healthy love, respect, and more.
I feel awful, awful, awful, awful, awful and not a single thing I can do about anything. They have created a scenario where I am completely defenseless. They have created the scenario that they do whatever the heck they want to..
I gave my heart and soul to my brothers and sisters. Two oldest brothers have feasted on in since mom and sister died.
Also, I have Bipolar Disorder.................What they did has really, really made my depression worse now. I thought me trying to do some extra kind things for them on top of my usual right after mom and sister died so as to lift everyones spirits.....
But...........they exploited the heck out of it all.
I have totally removed myself from everyone at this point. Even from my father who is 92 and a very good man. In light of what has happened.......in my heart of hearts I no longer have any true love emotions left for any of them...
I need my own Love, Caring, Affection energies to pour back into myself rather than sucked out constantly.
I know some other people in life who truly are deserving and always grateful. They are my people of choice now.
Very truthfully and honestly ( I wish I was lying to you about this),
Frank Spencer
June 24, 2023