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There are many businesses that have a sign on their front desk that says, "We do not validate." Just like those businesses, people could benefit from hanging the same sign around their neck for people who seek validation from others. Validation should not come from external sources, but from within ourselves. This way, we're tapping into the Divine -- that direct connection within ourselves that we have with God, and His loving assessment of us.
Why do we feel the need to get feedback about ourselves from others? It makes us think that what we say and do matters. It makes us think that others hear us, see us and think about us. It makes us feel acknowledged and appreciated.
But this way, like an eager puppy dog, we're always chasing after others for approval, and we never can seem to get enough. Sure, it's great to be accepted and valued by others. But we also need to give validation to ourselves.
When you appreciate your good qualities, you're not being a narcissist. When you appreciate your accomplishments, you're not being selfish or self-centered. If you don't validate yourself, you'll develop a tendency to discredit the validation that you do receive from others.
You may tell yourself, "Oh, she's just saying that to be nice, but she doesn't really mean that about me." You may also come across as being so hungry for validation that you'll appear overly needy. People will feel pressured by you to notice and express appreciation for every little thing you say and do.
Prior to seeking that external validation, question what you're hoping that that person will tell you and, instead, tell it to yourself. When you seek validation from others, you really aren't looking for advice or an opinion. You actually want them to confirm that you haven't done anything wrong -- or if you did, you're not a bad person for doing it. You want someone else to recognize the best in you and believe in you, in order to bolster your own feelings about yourself.
But before you pick up that phone or approach that person, first give yourself what you're seeking from them. Your aim isn't to halt reaching out to others, but to first be there for yourself. Then, what they say will be far more powerful if you already believe what they're saying.
People often believe they're valuing themselves when, in fact, they're really judging themselves. So you need to notice how much and how often you judge yourself instead of valuing yourself. Notice your feelings, your compassion, your acts of kindness to others and deliberately begin to value them.
When you judge yourself, you're actually doing the exact opposite of validating yourself. You're creating impossibly high standards to attain, as well as generating inner turmoil and insecurity.
Judging yourself is a type of control to force yourself to do and say certain things certain ways so that others will validate you. It will inevitably leave you feeling stuck and helpless. It's not being authentic. Even if this works, you'll continue to feel negatively about yourself as long as you're judging yourself. By validating yourself rather than judging, the validation of others will be like the cherry on the icing.
When validating yourself, remember to salute what you don't do, as well as what you do. Acknowledge that you didn't buy the expensive item that tempted you, because you knew you had to put the money toward a bill instead. Acknowledge that, if you're on a diet, you had a salad for lunch instead of a greasy burger. Acknowledge that you bit your tongue during a conversation when you were tempted to make a sarcastic remark. Validate the don'ts as well as the do's.
Often, when we harbor negative emotions about ourselves, we feel the need to punish ourselves. Ironically, it feels natural to feel bad about feeling bad. We blame ourselves and stunt our inner growth. However, when we do this, we compound our problems because we feel bad not only about one thing, but about two: the original incident, along with the pain we're inflicting upon ourselves.
If you're feeling depressed or down on yourself, determine what your mind, body and spirit need. What will comfort you, make you feel more stable, more fit, more balanced? When you take your needs into consideration, you emphasize to yourself that they are important, despite whatever you did or didn't previously do.
Feelings are actually a form of information, alerting you to when you're damaging yourself with self-judgments, and when others are indifferent to you and distanced from you. As you attune yourself to your emotions and validate the information they're conveying to you, your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem will escalate.
As you learn to trust that inner knowing provided to you by your connection with the Divine, rather than giving power to other people's thoughts and opinions, you'll feel a deeper sense of inner power and peace of mind.
When you see yourself through the eyes of this Higher Self, it will be infinitely more validating than seeing yourself through the eyes of your ego-centered, wounded self. Tune in to the wisdom of the Divine within you to determine what is and isn't loving action toward yourself and others. Loving action toward yourself could include things such as eating well, getting adequate sleep, exercising and forging a balance between work and fun.
You can use this little trick to remind yourself to give yourself validation. Pretend that your feelings are an actual child. If you wanted to raise that child to feel secure, cared about and validated, how would you treat them? Maybe it will even remind you of how you wish you'd been treated as a child. Treat yourself this way, and you will become self-validating, and less reliant upon others for that validation.
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