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Those who know me well are familiar with my daily battle, but I've never “confessed” it publicly before. And it’s not easy to say it now. But in order to tell this story, I have to start at the beginning – with the thorn in my flesh.
Everyone knows what “a thorn in the flesh” means. Even a person who hasn't read the Bible or heard the story of Paul’s testimony from chains has surely heard the saying. Wikipedia calls the phrase “a colloquialism used to describe a chronic infirmity, annoyance, or trouble in one's life.”
Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 12:8, that he besought God three times, begging Him to remove the thorn from his flesh.
I don’t know what Paul’s thorn was, but mine has a name: clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. And I think I must have prayed three bazillion times for God to remove it.
But like Paul, God’s answer to me was never “Yes.”
Years ago, during one of my quiet times with God, I read 2 Corinthians 12 for the umpteenth time, and I started “seeing the light.” I put myself in Paul’s shoes and truly opened my mind to the possibility that God’s answer was, “No.” Perhaps, like Paul, I would bear this thorn for the rest of my life. And if so, then why?
That was the moment my prayers started changing. I stopped tearfully pleading with God, “TAKE IT AWAY,” and started asking Him, “What is your purpose in this for me? What do you want me to learn? How shall I use this for your Kingdom and your Glory?”
Okay, fast-forward ==> over mountaintops ==> sliding headlong into gullies ==> repeat ==> year after year ==> ad nauseum ==> to my current valley. And it’s a doozey . . . ==> ==> ==>
I've been treading through a valley for quite some time now. I’m keeping my head above water by timely reminders from the Spirit inside me to look up and keep my eyes on Jesus. I know what it is to have joy in my heart and still be unhappy. The valley isn't a fun place--there’s not much happiness here.
Our revival preacher last week mentioned Paul and his thorn in the flesh, and I traveled back to that “aha” moment again. I realized I had forgotten the point Paul was making when he told us about his affliction.
Paul didn't want us to remember his pain. He wanted us to remember his joy in humble submission to God’s will. He wanted us to know WHY God didn't remove the one thing that made Paul weak.
God didn't tell Paul, “No, you'll just have to endure this suffering.”
God encouraged him: “My grace is sufficient for you,” and helped him understand why: “My power is made perfect in weakness.”
And today, God spoke to me, in this dark hour of my soul, reassuring me that I don’t need to be perfect--because HE is. In fact, the more perfectly I try to perform, the less powerful HIS presence in me is. So, without weakness, His power in me isn't—can’t be—perfect.
'Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
- 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10 (NIV)
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Nicely written. Thank you for sharing the Lord's Truth in your experience.
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