Encouragement
This is my story, my testimony, written for your encouragement of how I learned that not only I can get up after falling from the ministry, but also after getting up, how I can walk with God. To my amazement God is taking the broken pieces of my life and putting them together as a useful vessel for His glory and my joy.
I’m in the process of recovering from my fall. My rebellion caused a lot of damage to my life and the lives of the ones I love. As a result, my life to some degree will always be in the process of restoration. Now I live my life recovering from my fall by His mercy and grace. The only way I can live in recovery is to live daily in His presence.
It is a traumatic experience to fall from ministry. In fact, I am convinced it is hell this side of the grave. It is a living death. Living in rebellion is a life lived separated from God in darkness, almost completely void of His goodness and blessing. However, God does not entirely abandon us in our rebellion. By allowing us to reap the error of our ways and through the relentless ministry of the Holy Spirit, God continues to woo us toward repentance. In the process of getting up from my fall, I am coming to know God and His forgiveness, mercy, and grace intimately. Knowing God is unquestionably Heaven this side of the grave. I am learning to live a more excellent life of faith that is wrapped up in His love. Thank You Lord!
Through the restoration of my life, the Lord is encouraging people unto saving faith, and others in their walk of faith. “But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life,” (1 Timothy 1:16 NLT). If God can forgive and restore such a one as me, my friend, He can forgive and restore your life, as well. Through God’s grace, His best is yet come in our lives. Be encouraged, and Get Up! God Is Not Finished With You!
Only in recent years is the Church coming to accept that God can restore the life and the ministry of a fallen church leader. According to God’s Word those in leadership of His Church should be held to a higher standard. In his Word, the Lord states the qualifications and life standards for His leaders. Also, well stated in His Word are the honest observations of the lives of God’s leaders. In the lives of many of God’s leaders, He reveals the strengths and accomplishments and weaknesses and failures of their lives. Some of God’s leaders never recover from their fall. However, those who repented were restored. Their lives become powerful messages of the Great God we serve and who saves us. Amen!
When the Lord puts a life back together, He does it in a miraculous way that brings glory to His name. In the same way, Jesus heals the lame or blind, He heals our lives. By faith, He renews our lives and makes us whole. “He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake,” (Psalms 23:3).
The Lord’s Greater Work in Our Lives
The night before His death Jesus told the Apostles, “He who believes in Me… greater works than these he will do,” (John 14:12). Jesus declared this after He had raised people from the dead. The greater works He is speaking of is the raising of the spiritually dead unto eternal life. The Apostle Paul said it like this, “For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son,” (Colossians 1:13).
Jesus raised the physical dead before He died on the cross and we, through the power of the Gospel after His death on the cross, proclaim the message that raises the spiritually dead unto eternal life. By spiritually dead I mean those who are separated from God by sin. “Even when we were dead in our transgressions, he made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),” (Ephesians 2:5). Which is the greater work, to raise someone physically from the dead only to die again? Or is it a greater work to raise us from the dominion of darkness, eternal death, to the Kingdom of His Son, eternal life, never to die again? The greater works are salvation, and the resulting changed lives of salvation. At the point of salvation we are changed from death to life. By grace through faith we are saved. The Apostle Paul writes, “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast,” (Ephesians 2:8, 9). However, salvation does not end there. Paul also adds in the next verse; “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them,” (Ephesians 2:10). Salvation is an ongoing, greater work. God is in a continuous process of changing the dark human soul from the inside out. “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him,” (Philippians 2:13 NLT).
Salvation is an ongoing greater work
The Apostle Paul’s life is an example of the greater works Jesus talked about in John 14:12, of a saved life that is changed forever. Paul not only meets the Lord on the road to Damascus, but he is baptized and commissioned within three days. The Book of Acts reveals the unfolding of his life as a result of his salvation. His new life brings glory to God in completing the task of delivering the message God had given him. The message God gave Paul is “to open their eyes, so they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God. Then they will receive forgiveness for their sins and be given a place among God's people, who are set apart by faith in Me,” (Acts 26:18). God not only gives Paul this message, but empowers him to preach it. "So, having obtained help from God, I stand to this day testifying both to small and great, stating nothing but what the Prophets and Moses had said was going to take place,” (Acts 26:22). Paul's new life now has a greater purpose and meaning. After bringing Paul out of the darkness of persecuting the Church, Jesus, who is the risen Christ, brought him to the Light. The message that God bestowed to Paul was what God had done for him. Jesus opened Paul’s eyes and turned him from darkness to light. This message now had greater power because it was not only God’s message to the world but Paul’s life became its living example. The work of saving and changing Paul’s life was to God’s glory. Now Paul’s life becomes a living testimony of what God can do to change lives. “And immediately he began preaching about Jesus in the synagogues, saying, "He is indeed the Son of God!" All who heard him were amazed. "Isn't this the same man who caused such devastation among Jesus' followers in Jerusalem?" they asked. "And didn't he come here to arrest them and take them in chains to the leading priests?" (Acts 9:20, 21)?
In Paul’s defense to King Agrippa, Paul uses his changed life as evidence that the Lord Jesus was raised from the dead. First Paul explains to King Agrippa about his life before meeting the resurrected Lord Jesus. "Why is it considered incredible among you people if God does raise the dead? So then, I thought to myself that I had to do many things hostile to the name of Jesus of Nazareth. And this is just what I did in Jerusalem; not only did I lock up many of the saints in prisons, having received authority from the chief priests, but also when they were being put to death I cast my vote against them. And as I punished them often in all the synagogues, I tried to force them to blaspheme; and being furiously enraged at them, I kept pursuing them even to foreign cities,” (Acts 26:8-11). Then Paul presents his changed life as the result of meeting the resurrected Lord as proof of the resurrection. "So, King Agrippa, I did not prove to be disobedient to the heavenly vision, but kept declaring both to those of Damascus first, and also at Jerusalem and then throughout all the region of Judea, and even to the Gentiles, that they should repent and turn to God, performing deeds appropriate to repentance. For this reason, some Jews seized me in the temple and tried to put me to death. So, having obtained help from God, I stand to this day testifying both to small and great, stating nothing but what the Prophets and Moses said was going to take place; that the Christ was to suffer, and that by reason of His resurrection from the dead He would be the first to proclaim light both to the Jewish people and to the Gentiles," (Acts 26:19-23).
Whether we are a new Christ follower or a mature Christ follower, God is in the process changing our lives. Our failures are not the end of our lives and ministries, but a continuous process of turning us from darkness to light. Each time He turns us to repentance and heals us, He deepens a better understanding of His love, mercy, and grace within our souls. This better understanding of God becomes a richer message of the Gospel and is evidenced by our lives. In the cutting away of each dark part of our lives, a greater Light prevails. God is continuing the greater works of salvation by changing us from the inside out.
My Fall
My fall was at the beginning of my ministry. I had been saved for a long time. I graduated from Bible College and knew the scriptures well. I was an interim preacher for about a year before the sin in my life had totally overtaken me. I could no longer hide the sin from the Church and my family. My inner struggle was no longer hidden but out in the open. Now in the open, I used this situation to go all the way with the darkness that had overwhelmed my heart. Part of me said that my hope to be God’s servant is destroyed, so why struggle any longer. However, looking back, I now think this was actually the excuse I needed to break free from the Light and embrace the darkness. I used blame; it is my wife’s fault, and God’s fault that I am here because they let me down. I thought they justified my fall. The truth is I was forsaking my life ambition, my family and friends. Solomon said this state of heart is evil and insanity, “This is an evil in all that is done under the sun, that there is one fate for all men. Furthermore, the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives…” (Ecclesiastes 9:3).
I had crossed back over the line. I knew God and then walked away from God knowingly and willingly. Peter said this, “And when people escape from the wickedness of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up and enslaved by sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life. They prove the truth of this proverb: ‘A dog returns to its vomit.’ And another says, ‘A washed pig returns to the mud,’" (2Peter 2:20-22).
How I Fell
I had reached a point where I was feeding my flesh a regular diet and had stopped feeding my spirit. My prayer life was diminished to a want list. I mostly complained to God in my prayers. Sometimes I asked for forgiveness, but more often not, I began to blame God for things going wrong in my life. I read His Word for sermons and lessons only. I had stopped communing with God through prayer and His Word. The voice of the Holy Spirit talking to me about repentance began to fade. My conscience was being seared. My flesh was lit up with passion. My heart and soul had become the devil’s playground. I’m sure Satan and his henchman had determined that they had taken me out. And as my sin found me out and became apparent for all to see, they must have cheered thinking I would no longer be one of God servants. Certainly, I was in agreement with them at the time. My life as a Christ follower and leader in His Church was over. But my future surprise was to learn God was not finished with me and HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!
God Was Not Finished
My life does not end here. Thank You Lord that You will not let us go. In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Roman Church, written after he had murdered and persecuted Jesus Christ’s Church and then was saved by grace, he now proclaims with power and authority, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord,” (Romans 8:38, 39 NLT).
Recovering From My Fall
I had not been plucked from His love. However, by allowing me to fall and reap the severe consequences of my rebellion, God was preparing me and getting me ready to do His best work in me. In His preparation for my recovery, there was still one more thing God needed to do to make me ready for His restoration. God needed to break me. He needed to break my heart. He needed me to understand that sin is death, and how terrifying death can be. Death is separation from Him. I was learning how unbearable life without God could be. God wanted me to return to my knees. I needed to come to the point where I would cry out, “I need You, my Savior! I cannot endure this life any longer. Please save me O God!” But before my cry to God could be sincere and genuine, I needed to be wholly broken. I needed to be prepared for what God calls the circumcision of the heart. “…circumcision is that which is of the heart, by the Spirit…” (Romans 2:29). "Moreover the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” (Deuteronomy 30:6). I needed to be prepared for the Spirit’s circumcision of my heart. Listen to this verse. It is a look at God’s open-heart circumcision. "Come, let us return to the LORD. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us,” (Hosea 6:1). That is right, it says, “He tore us… He wounded us.” He does this, so He can heal us.
Consider the sin going on at the Corinthian Church. “It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father's wife,” (1Corinthians 5:1). This Corinthian man was openly and blatantly in sin, immorality. Paul says it was immorality that even the Gentiles do not do. This man apparently had an immoral relationship with his father’s wife. Paul’s solution was first to get the man out of the Church. Second, was to do what I think Hosea is talking about, to tear and wound him hoping that the man would be healed. Acting in the authority of our Lord Jesus, here is Paul’s solution, “In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus,” (1Corinthians 5:4, 5). For me also, I needed to reap the error of my way. It was as though God had said to Satan about me, as long as he is in rebellion, do what you want with him until he REPENTS!
My Repentance
My repentance came at age 49. In 13 years of rebellion I was divorced 3 times. My daughters were seriously hurt by a father who let them down. My employers and my church had lost their trust in me. The pain became intolerable. My consumption of alcohol and drugs could no longer mask the tremendous emptiness and disappointment of my life. Totally broken, and under the extreme burden of grief and guilt, I came to my knees before the Lord. I prayed, “Lord, my sorrow, guilt and pain are too much to suffer. Can you help me, please? Lord, if only I can find a little happiness and joy in this life I would be so thankful.” My heart had been torn and my wounds were deep. The circumcision of my heart was in progress. Now God could begin to heal my life.
Circumcision and Healing of My Heart
The Lord heard my prayer. In Bible College, I had memorized substantial portions of God’s Word, but now after years of rebellion and sin, I could only remember one partial verse and one whole verse. The partial verse, “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit,” (Hebrews 4:12a). The whole verse, “…for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God,” (1Peter 1:23). God’s word is living and is active in my soul and spirit. The two-edge sword of the God’s word would do its work of circumcision. I think God had left me these two verses, so He could begin the circumcision of my heart and healing at the time that I would be ready. The Holy Spirit was now speaking to me again loud and clear, telling me His Word will heal me. I began listening to God through His Word and the Holy Spirit. I also began talking to my Creator through prayer. If He made me, He could fix me; at least I hoped and prayed this to be true.
Becoming My Lord and God
I remained faithful in reading His Word and talking with my Lord. He was no longer just the Lord, but my Lord now. I read the Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes often. These books taught me about the heart of God. The book of Psalms unveils the heart of David talking to God. David shared everything; his sorrows and joys, doubts and trust, cries for help, and praises for God’s rescues. Psalms also taught me God’s heart as He responded to David. I became like David sharing everything, and I started learning how to listen to God for His responses. The book of Proverbs is God’s standard, or ruler, by which I began to measure the actions and thoughts of my life. The book of Ecclesiastes is my reminder to stay on God’s path. All is folly except to know God. I also began to systematically read the Word from start to finish. This time by reading God’s Word, I read and listened. I had no agenda of reading a certain number of verses or chapters per day. I only read to hear and understand. “Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance,” (Proverbs 1:5 NLT).
Our New Relationship
It was at this time that the Lord shared through His Word, speaking to my heart about what would be the essence of our new relationship. And, of all places, this life-changing message came out of the Genesis genealogies. Usually, I would quickly scan through them because they were so boring, but this time I was reading and listening. Genesis says, “Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters. So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years,” (Genesis 5:22, 23). Enoch walked with God. He only lived 365 years compared to everyone else living about 700-900 years. In comparison to his generation, his life was short. But, the quality of his life must have been unequaled. The NLT Bible puts it this way, “Enoch lived in close fellowship with God.” Now at about age 50 I lived most of my life in ruin. I wanted to live the rest of my life in a worthwhile and close fellowship with God. I am learning to walk with God. Daily my life grows in greater intimacy with my Creator. My friends, life is hard but through walking with God in the valleys and mountaintops, I am discovering my Redeemer. “Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God,” (Ephesians 3:17-19). Noah was another person who the Bible says walked with God. The result of Noah walking with God changed the world significantly and forever!
God Restoring My Life
Two years later the Lord started talking to me about going back to Church. I resisted, but He was talking; I was listening, and I needed to go. I worked up the courage to start going back to Church. I went to a local community church because I was too embarrassed to go back to the church that originally trained me for ministry. I went to an evening service and sat in the back. I wanted to be able to make a quick exit to avoid the anticipated probing questions that I was not prepared to answer. I did not want to explain that I was once in the ministry, and now my life is in ruins.
To my surprise, at the end of the message the pastor started talking about communion. I wanted to run out the door, but as he talked of the cross and shedding of the Lord’s blood for me, all I could do was weep. While glued to my chair and weeping, the emblems came to me. I shared in the Lord’s sacrifice of dying on the cross for me and for my rebellion. Never did it mean so much to me as it did in that moment. Since that day, I cry easily. I went from tough guy to humble guy. To this day I’m still broken, but I am restored and I walk by His grace only through his mercy. I went home humbled and grateful. My prayer that night was “Lord, You arranged that for me, thank You. You are an awesome God!”
A few months later my wife and I started looking for a church we both could attend. We found another community church, River Rock Church, in Camas, Washington. They had a new pastor, Kelly Backstrom. I took him to coffee to describe who I was, Damaged Goods. As I began to explain Kelly stopped me. He said he had found Christ when he was in a youth center for boys, also known as a reformatory for boys. Kelly also explained how he had once been in ministry and then had fallen. God had restored Kelly’s life and ministry. I wondered, is there hope for me too? Could God restore such a one as me?
Kelly’s testimony was encouraging because he was now the lead pastor at River Rock Church. God turned Kelly’s life around. I decided to put myself under Kelly’s authority, and let him be my pastor and shepherd. Peter’s instructions were, “You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,” (1Peter 5:5, 6). I was not young in years, but I had become young in the Lord again. I was learning about my Lord and what He means to my new life. Paul’s instructions to the Ephesians’ elders were "Be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock, among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to shepherd the church of God which He purchased with His own blood,” (Acts 20:28). I now had God’s living Word and the Holy Spirit talking and breathing life into me, and one of God’s shepherds to mentor me. Along the way, the Lord brought more shepherds to help mentor me. I carried within my heart, and still do, humility caused by the reality of how wicked I became. Now, all of God’s provisions to bring about His circumcision and healing of my heart were in place.
Continuing with Healing
The process of the circumcision of my heart is continuous even to this day. Currently, I am in the Philippines starting new churches for our Lord. I have been commissioned and sent by the elder’s of River Rock Church to accomplish this work, Lord willing. God has confirmed by His power and favor this ministry in the Philippines. Still, I work under Pastor Kelly and the elders of River Rock Church, and am a fellow elder/pastor working in concert with them. I daily seek forgiveness from my Lord. I spend time on my face before His Throne of Grace. “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need,” (Hebrews 4:16). I read, listen, and gain an understanding of His Word. Each day I thank Him for this precious gift of life He has given me. I thank Him for my family and health. I thank Him for all His provisions and kindness in my life. But most importantly, I thank Him for forgiving me and restoring me. It is because of His awesome love for me that I give my life back to Him as a sacrifice and offering. “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith,” (Romans 12:11-3). I thank Him for the privilege of allowing me to work in His Church, in His name, and in His authority. I love Him because He loves me. My Lord, my God and my Friend, my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ! Thank You Lord for allowing me to walk with You through this amazing life. Amen!
Psalm 30 A Psalm; a Song at the Dedication of the House.
A Psalm of David.
I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up, And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.
Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Now as for me, I said in my prosperity, "I will never be moved."
O LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong; You hid Your face, I was dismayed.
To You, O LORD, I called, And to the Lord I made supplication:
"What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?
"Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper."
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Ordained to Serve Destine to Fall
I have assumed we are Christians in this article. When I talk about God’s power to save and His relentless pursuit of us, I am talking with those who are Christian and have fallen (backsliders). I’m writing about my experience and interaction with God as one who has fallen from the ministry and restored. The Lord saved me out of my rebellion and has restored me wholly to the ministry. I hope to encourage those who are in this struggle. If you are a Christian or church leader on the road to rebellion, are in rebellion, or are praying that the Lord would help you out of rebellion, this article is written for you. If you are a church leader and considering helping a fallen church leader, then this is for you, as well. This is for anyone who struggles in their walk with the Lord. I will share my life openly with you. I hope those trained in psychology may gain insight by observing my life. I pray my life may be a blessing for whoever reads my story. I write my story to bring glory to God. It is The Lord God Almighty, My Lord and Savior, through the power of The Holy Spirit who loves me, rescues and restores me from my fall. Amen.
It is my experience that God does not give up on us. However, there are some who fall into rebellion and never recover. If they never recover it is not because God is not able, but that they are unwilling. As you read this and if God pricks your heart, He is talking to you. Be encouraged, God can deliver you. The Lord is mighty to save! “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing," (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV). God is relentless in His pursuit for His children. “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance,” (2Peter 3:9). My life is different from most. I have seen many come to the Lord, and they all grow in the Lord through various difficulties, but not with the degree of difficulty my life has been. Yet, in spite of the degree of difficulty and rebellion my life was, the Lord has restored me. Thank You Lord!
My life is marked with encounters with God. After each encounter with God, I have a period of rebellion or forgetfulness of who I am. “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was,” (James 1:23, 24). Most of my encounters with the Lord are significant and I think needed for the salvation of my soul. Complete surrender to the Lord did not come easily for me. There were many strongholds and powerful forces of darkness in my life. These came on me early in my childhood. “There are strong schemes of the devil, powerful forces, world forces of darkness, and spiritual forces of wickedness are at work in the battle for our souls,” (Ephesians 6:12b, 13 Paraphrased by me). “And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest we were by nature deserving of wrath,” (Ephesians 2:1-3). Once saved, these powerful forces don’t go away easily. I have talked with many Christians and pastors whose addictions hang on even after the point of salvation. The battle of the flesh and the dark forces are well talked about throughout the Bible. The Apostle Paul speaks of this in detail in Romans Chapters 7, and 8.
Ordained to Serve
My earliest memories are of God. I was 3 or 4 years old, and I can remember praying with my grandma on my mother’s side. Grandma also had a daughter, Aunt Pamie, who was 6 months older than me. My grandma taught us the prayer, “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep”. I remember she taught us the song, “Jesus Loves the Little Children”. She also taught us that we have a guardian angel that keeps watch over us.
At age 7, my grandma and mother took me to see The Ten Commandments movie, by Cecile B DeMille. At that time it was still in theaters. The movie was at a theater in Long Beach, CA. At the end of the movie, I walked out and stood on a large rock of an ocean jetty near the theater. This was my first significant moment with God. I had tunnel vision of the rocks, ocean, and sky. It all was exceptionally bright, and tunnel focused. I felt one on one with the Lord. I talked with God in a child-like faith, and asked Him if He would use my life as He used Moses. I specifically remembered the heroism and faith of Moses, played by Charlton Heston, before he parted the Red Sea. I could remember that in the movie Moses said, "Fear not!... Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord!"i This was the picture in my mind as I prayed that the Lord might use me in a mighty way like Moses. For several years every night I prayed God would use my life like he used Moses. There are a few times in my life I felt an extraordinary presents of God and this was one of them.
The next time I had this experience was when Aunt Pamie died at age 9. I was walking to school, praying and crying because God had taken her to heaven and I missed her. As I looked into the sky, I had the same experience of the tunnel vision and bright clouds almost close enough to touch, except I heard or felt God saying that Pamie was okay and not to miss her. Since then, my brother, father, and step-father have passed away, and I have not mourned them. I only rejoice knowing they are with the Lord.
Grandma graduated from L.I.F.E. Bible College of the Four Square Church and was ordained. She, like me, had problems with immorality and drinking. Because of Grandma’s drinking, Mother asked her to leave our lives. The last time I saw my Grandma was at about age 10. She gave me a Bible and said something about this book will be your life. I would find God in it. She said this was the most important book of my life. Grandma talked to me about being first-born male. “(As it is written in the Law of the Lord, ‘EVERY firstborn MALE THAT OPENS THE WOMB SHALL BE CALLED HOLY TO THE LORD’),” (Luke 2:23). Then she prayed for me to follow God. It was late at night, and she woke me, so it is the best I remember it. This was the last time my mother or I saw my grandma. I pray Grandma returned to the Lord, and finished her life strong in His service. I pray I finish my life strong for the Lord, too.
Looking back, I believe my grandma ordained me to serve the Lord, and my prayer to God was to use my life for something special, like He used Moses. I also believe that because of my family’s life style of immorality and drinking, I was destined to fall.
Destined to Fall
There were strongholds and world forces of darkness that came to grip my life early on. “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds,” (2Corinthians 10:4). The strongholds of drugs and immorality where established early in my life and fortified over time. The Lord was going to have to do a mighty work by His divine power to demolish these strongholds, and free my life from them.
Unfortunately, my memory of the early experiences with God faded with the passing of time. After Grandma disappeared there was no one to encourage me in my faith. My mother believed in God but was not active in her faith until after she retired. Mother was divorced when I was two. My step dad, who loved my younger brother and me dearly, was also immoral and drank heavily. My step dad was in the military and was gone most of my teen years. I did not come to know my biological father until I was 50 years old. I don’t know the details of his life, except he drank daily. The strongholds of immorality, drinking and drugs, were imbedded thoroughly in my family, and in me. These were also reinforced with the world forces of darkness of the American 1960’s.
My next connection with God was in my mid-teens. By this time, I had already had sexual experiences and was weekend drinking. A teacher had also sexually molested me. My high school friend, Don, started taking me to a Christian youth group. My life now was lived double-minded. I listen intently to the church teachers. I worshiped God at the meetings. Then the next day I would live my life with sex and drinking. “For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways,” (James 1:7, 8). Unstable… that was the best way to describe my life until age 49. Whenever God was mentioned I was respectful, but I went on living my life as if God did not exist. I never lost my belief in God. He just made no difference in my behavior. James says, “You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder,” (James 1:19).
I was a teen in the late 1960’s during the Hippy Movement. Sex, drugs and rock an’ roll was one of the mantras. Another mantra was make love, not war. The sexual revolution was tuned in, turned on and so was I. I was introduced to drugs at age 21. This is where I met my first wife. We hit the parties together. It wasn’t long before she got pregnant. I was age 23 when we got married. We soon had our first child. We still partied. We were extremely irresponsible. At age 27, we hit a bottom. My wife left me and took both daughters with her. I was alone reaping consequences of my life. I believe the Holy Spirit hit me hard with guilt and remorse. "And He (the Holy Spirit), when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment,” (John 16:8). Sin and judgment filled my mind. There I sat alone in my living room, crying uncontrollably. I cried out to God. My heart was breaking that I may never see my two daughters again. Finally, I lay on the floor face down. I was praying that God might help my situation. I asked Him to forgive me. Then suddenly, I saw a bright light. It was late at night, my eyes were closed, and yet it was bright as day. I opened my eyes, and my room was lighted up like the brightest of lights. I sensed the presence of God. This did not last long, but I was unexpectedly aware of God again. There was no communication this time. I was only aware of His presence.
Extremely Doubled-Minded
After the experience in my living room, I called my friend, Leroy, who had just found God. Leroy and his wife, Dodi, were like second parents to my brother, Greg, and me. Just months before, Leroy went from ridiculing God and the Jesus freaks on a regular bases, to praising God with almost every sentence uttered from his mouth. Leroy had an overnight conversion much like the Apostle Paul. His conversion was instant and significant. Leroy was well known, and people took notice that he was a remarkably changed man. Leroy moved to a small city outside of Boise, Idaho, and bought a farm to get his kids out of the big city and its influence. At that time Leroy’s kids, our friends, and I were into drinking, drugs, and parties. Leroy hoped a small town environment would be a better influence. When Leroy answered my phone call, he was hosting a Bible study in his home. I told Leroy about my situation and that my wife and kids had left me. I also told him about the experience I had in my living room with God. Leroy said sell what you can’t fit in your truck and move here. He said he would help me start over with God. I did exactly that. A few weeks later I showed up at Leroy’s house. Again, he was in the middle of a Bible study. I met Leroy’s new Christian friends. The leader of the study was Ron. Ron was the local Four Square Church pastor. He was Four Square Church just like my Grandma. Ron led me closer to God and a new commitment. A few months later, my brother Greg discovered Boise Bible College. We entered immediately. God had indeed paved the way to getting us into college and paying for college. I graduated with a BA in Bible. I also lost contact with Pastor Ron.
The desires of my flesh were still strong. I kept them under control, but my mind and heart were still unstable. Somehow, I learned the Scriptures well but missed the power of God to help me change my life. The greater work of the Holy Spirit had not happened. Romans 8:13, 14 say it best, “For if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” I came to know the scripture but not the power to change my life. "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me,” (John 5:39). Jesus was criticizing the local religious leaders because they knew the scriptures, and they yet could not recognize Him. Jesus is the Messiah, the scriptures described. I was just like them. Somehow I had missed coming to know God in the midst of His Word. I became an expositor and a proponent of Biblical doctrine. My sermons were lessons of Biblical doctrine. I preached the Bible and not Christ. I had missed Christ and became religious. I taught religion, not Christ. I knew about Christ but did know Him personally. "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness,” (Matthew 23:27). My sermons and lessons were devoted, but on the inside I was full of all sorts of evil. My sexual desires battled within me, and there was only me to try to control them. “…holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power,” (2Timothy 3:5).
I don’t blame the Bible college. The professors are godly men. They did their best to help me. The problem was the un-reconciled, unstable, double-minded man’s fault: me. Even God could not get through to me at this time. I stayed clean from acting on my impulses during Bible college. However, shortly after college, I began to give in to them. My sexual lust and passion, addictions to alcohol and drugs where too strong for me. I did not know how to submit them to the Lord. The strongholds were powerful indeed. I was not ready for real repentance. The Lord’s greater work in me was yet to come.
Not long after college, I began the inevitable fall. If I were going to be truly saved and useful to God, He had to break me and remake me. He had to demolish the strongholds, (2Corinthians 10:4). The process of demolition was my fall that eventually led me to repentance. God was going to work through my fall to save me. That may sound strange, but only a repentant heart can turn to God and be saved. Like the Jews who suddenly realized they had killed their Messiah, and asked what shall we do, (Acts 2:37)? Only then could Peter say repent, (Acts 2:38)! I was going to have to understand the errors of my ways by reaping the consequences of them. It was in this way I would be turned to God with a repentant heart and ask, “what must I do?” It was only then the Holy Spirit could say to me, REPENT!
We are in spiritual warfare for the souls of mankind. These battles are fought in the spiritual realm. My flesh was corrupted, and well trained in fleshly gratification. The spiritual forces of darkness had their way with me. God had to teach me that I could only be free through Him, by Him, and because of Him! “…but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live,” (Romans 8:13b). “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him,” (Philippians 2:13 NLT).
In the last few years, I have helped many get free from the power of addiction. I use the scriptures, the Word of God. I use God’s Word to introduce them to the Lord God Almighty, Himself! I introduce them to the Mighty God who not only created them but saves them unto eternal life. I help them get filled with the Spirit of God, in such a way, there is no more room for the flesh. I led them to know The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, personally, and the indwelling and power them, Him.
“Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust, (2Peter 1:2-4).
i http://www.wavsource.com/movies/ten_commandments.htm
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
Reader Count & Comments
Date
The opinions expressed by authors do not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com. This is especially true with articles that
deal with personal healthcare and prophecy. We encourage the reader to make their own decision in consultation with God, His Word, and others as needed.
This article has been read 2065 times < Previous | Next >
Read more articles by Steven Ray Bragg or search for other articles by topic below.
This article has been read 2065 times < Previous | Next >
Search for articles on: (e.g. creation; holiness etc.)
Read more by clicking on a link:Free Reprints
Main Site Articles
Most Read Articles
Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles.
New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review.
NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL
God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You
...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them... 2 Cor 5:19
Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Acts 13:38
LEARN & TRUST JESUS HERE
FaithWriters offers Christian reading material for Christian readers. We offer Christian articles, Christian fiction, Christian non-fiction, Christian Bible studies, Christian poems, Christian articles for sale, free use Christian articles, Christian living articles, New Covenant Christian Bible Studies, Christian magazine articles and new Christian articles. We write for Jesus about God, the Bible, salvation, prayer and the word of God.