Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Pen and Paper (07/17/14)
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TITLE: Thank God not all Muslim's are Terrorists | Previous Challenge Entry
By Graham Insley
07/23/14 -
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The storm turned and stomped from the room, leaving Peter to shake in fear as hopelessness filled his soul.
Blinking and turning his head from side to side, the slightly graying man was trying to say a loud "NO!" -- as if it could just change the situation. Maybe God could just teleport them all home, or spring the locks on the doors and let them walk out of here.
Thinking of the locks made Peter look at them. This was an old building and the locks were old too... just maybe...
The door jumped off its hinges as Aalim stormed back into the room. "You will write a confession. You will deny your Jesus or more children will die."
Peter's neck nearly snapped as he jerked up to look at his captor.
"Ha. So now you take notice. It is true. Five minutes ago I killed your youngest son. Who will be next? Your other son... or your daughter?"
The grieving father flew out of his chair with his hands reaching for the terrorist's throat. Stepping aside quickly, the much younger thug slammed his fist into the other's midriff. Air burst out of the Englishman as he crumbled to the floor.
"One hour. If confession remains unwritten, another one dies."
Loneliness and despair engulfed an already struggling mind.
Knowing that time was now also an enemy, desperation drew sanity back into focus.
The lock?
Looking into the old fashioned shaped key hole, Peter saw the key was in the lock from the other side. Quickly inspired from old movies, he raced back to the desk.
Slipping the large sheet of writing paper under the door, he pulled the ink tube from the pen. It took some jiggling and determination, but eventually he was rewarded by the sound of the key falling on the other side of the door.
A huge sigh of relief escaped his lips when he pulled the sheet of paper, and the key, back under the door. Praying that no-one was on the other side he gathered pen and paper and opened the door a crack, and then fully.
He was greeted by a hallway with doors down both sides. A sound caught his attention; he knew that child's cry. Joy leaped as he ran to the door. He wrote a quick message, "be very quiet", and slipped it half under the door. When it disappeared he unlocked the door and stepped inside.
The terrorist had lied, his family were all safe and now he needed to get them out of here.
Whispering he gave them instructions and led them back into the hall. At the end of the hall was a fire escape and in no time at all they were on the street, but lost.
First thing is distance. Peter hurried his family down the street and round several corners before he stopped to gather his thoughts.
His requests to a street vendor for direction were confounded by the language barrier -- so he quickly pulled out the pen and paper again. Drawing a childish picture of a house he added the Union Jack flag above the house's door.
Thank God not all Muslim's are terrorists. The Egyptian's toothless mouth smiled as he pointed straight down the street, held up three fingers and pointed left, two more fingers and pointed right. He then made the universal 'thumbs up' signal.
Peter lost no more time and raced his family for the British Embassy.
Three months later, in a very expensive frame, hanging above his fireplace at home is the simple drawing of a childish house. Glued to the side of the frame is a pen and underneath it is a plague which reads:
"The pen is mightier than the sword. To God be the glory"
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Very well done.
Good writing, nicely done.
God bless~
To be honest, I'm not crazy about the title, and that might be my only red ink. The reason being is that I was constantly looking in the story for that justification for the title and when he walked up to the vendor on the street, I said to myself "Aha! Here's where it comes in." So it took some of the suspense out of it for me, knowing that he was going to be helped.
Other than that, I thought it was an excellent story and very creative.
The pen is mightier than the sword. I liked that a lot. I also, am not warmed to the title.
Great job of a story, though.
I enjoyed this lovely adventure story - thought you told it quite well and I loved the creative way in which you introduced the writing theme. I'm afraid I did not like your title either. An excellent beginning – certainly aroused my interest. The line that stood out for me from the entire story was: “Knowing that time was now also an enemy, desperation drew sanity back into focus.” Well Done!
You are a master storyteller!
A bit of red ink-only because I know you have thick skin and because I am unqualified to apply red to anyone's writing.
You wrote "led them back into the hall. At the end of the hall"
Perhaps "led them back into the hall. At the end of the corridor" would have flowed better.
I believe you could choose a better title too. This piece is way too good. How about - The Click of the Pen, The Scrape of the Paper or Just Maybe? or Child's Cry or even Deny or Die.
It's fun to play with titles. You really did write a fantastic piece. Just watch those word repetitions and silly typos. Super awesome!
I also loved how the pen was used both as a weapon against the man by the enemy but also as a tool to help set him free. Very cool!
I think the title definitely grabs the reader's attention. I had a hard time getting the correlation to the title at first, but honestly I don't put a lot of emphasis on titles. They are important as hooks to draw in readers, but don't matter much if you have a strong story which you definitely do. Great job!